Hope

Today, dear readers, we're going to talk about hope. According to the dictionary, hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. We all hope, every day. We hope we have a good day at work or school, we hope for that promotion or to ace an exam, we hope that our plans for the weekend come through. Hell, we even hope for little things too, like we hope we don't hit every red light through town (not that I have that issue here since my town has no traffic lights) and for big things like hoping we find that special someone.

Hope is a huge part of the human condition. Hope is, in my opinion, a huge reason why we, as a species, keep going. The power of hope is tremendous; hoping is a thought process, thoughts are things, things with great power. There are many quotes out there regarding hope, such as the following:

"Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars.” - J.R.R. Tolkien
“Where there's life there's hope, and need of vittles.” - J.R.R. Tolkien
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope." - Leia Skywalker
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vise versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them uminportant." - Eleventh Doctor 

So. What have we learned here? All the greats have showed us that hope is a thing, a great thing. 

You're probably sitting here, asking me why I'm talking about hope. It's a little different than my usual posts about things in my life or rants. Why the sudden change of atmosphere? Why the sudden positivity, optimism, and hopefulness? Well, my mom and I talked a lot this weekend, and she made me realize that my "no fucks to give" attitude and my lack of caring for anything is seeping into my life and affecting me. So I've decided that starting Monday, I would have a more positive and hopeful outcome on life. And then... I got stuck at my mom's house on Sunday night and couldn't get home because of a blizzard. Then there were tech issues at work on Monday morning. Then my car wouldn't start when I left and I didn't get home until late Monday night in mom's truck. Before I left, I slipped, sprained my ankle and threw myself into the stove before falling down. I had planned on taking Tuesday off because it was the year date of the day Chris and I separated; I knew that it was going a very bad day for me and work just wasn't an option. But instead I had to go pick up fuel line defreezer and drive back to Frost to get my truck. Came home with the intent of spending the day with my guys (Chris and Lance) and gaming but of fucking course, Sarah was there and I couldn't. So I was pissed off and upset and angry. I slept and got over it. So then I smashed my foot that I sprained later that night, and then ate week old leftovers and got food poisoning. Got an email from my boss Wednesday saying hours were cut and to come back Friday. And then, today, I found out that I (and the entire virtual team) have been laid off until the middle of February. 

So the week that I try to become hopeful and positive... is the week that the universe decides to give me the finger. Isn't that how it works though? It's really quite obnoxious and I've dealt with it the only way I know how (and by that I mean the only way I like to) - food. I devoured a whole box of cinnamon buns and a bag of powdered donuts. I know it's terrible. But it makes me feel better and if it helps me get through the bad week, then so be it.

But more than food, there is something else getting me through this week. Hope. Hope is getting me through. Hope that work will pick back up and I won't be temporarily unemployed. Hope that maybe I'll get a windfall to get me through this. Hope that I stop hurting myself (not likely, but it's a hope). Hope that mayhaps one day, in the near future, that I'll stop being single. Hope that one day, things will be better. 

And some times, it's just the smallest thing that gives us hope, that tiny glimmer that fills us with so much hope it feels like we're going to burst. Some times... that's all it takes. I had my glimmer today, and I've captured it in a jar and I'm gonna hold it tight to me. And every time I'm feeling down, I'm going to look at that jar with my glimmer of hope, and remember that things aren't that bad.

Epiphany

Today, I had an epiphany. Well, actually it was last night while my parents were watching Dexter and I was feeding my Pinterest habit. But either way. An epiphany happened. And it was the most glorious kind. Like... you know how you see in cartoons when this happens, you see this look of realization dawning on their face and they literally light up? 

Yeah, that's what should have happened last night. Because this shit is amazing. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before. And this all happened because of a pin I saw, which I will kindly post for you all. 

 

 
Now for those of you not versed in anime, these are clips from Full Metal Alchemist (or better known as FMA). Cliff Notes: It's a show about two children who practice alchemy (child prodigies, really) and who disobeyed one of the no no's of alchemy of not being able to bring back the dead. They tried to bring back their mother and the results were disastrous. The main rule of practicing alchemy is equivalent exchange - You cannot gain something without giving something. It must equal out. It's the rule of the universe, really. The kids ended up losing one of their bodies (his soul embodies a suit of armor) and an arm and a leg, which are later made of automail by another character, Winry, hence the names Full Metal Alchemist. (Hrm... that makes me think of something else... Chris named his new acquired kitten Winry. Oh universe, you are sneaky, indeed.)

Anyways. The point of this is the equivalent exchange bit, which essentially is what the picture is going over. If you think about it, it really is how the universe. Everything comes with a price (which just made me realize that's essentially Rumpelstiltskin from Once Upon a Time in invoking the rule of equivalent exchange all the time...). Nothing is ever free. You always have to give something or work for it or something. 

And it's funny, you would have thought that this would have smacked me before, since I am a fan of FMA and Chris and I used to ALWAYS joke about EE (for example, if he asked me to do something, I'd say what's the EE of it and some such; it was a big inside joke with us), but last night I was feeling particularly reflective. It's been nearly a year since Christopher and I went our ways. January 28 will mark the day to a year. So naturally I would be being reflective and thinking about everything the last year has brought me. And I have a friend that I'm trying to help through a crisis and it's giving me a lot of perspective as well. And of course, talking to mom always helps too (we went shopping in a town ~an hour away, so we had a long time to talk yesterday).

So. I'm browsing Pinterest and I see this pin. And I read it. And again. And again. It's hit me already, the first time I read it, but I feel the need to reaffirm what I'm reading as this realization is dawning over me. This whole thing... it's the universe enacting the rule of equivalent exchange. There are lessons that I've learned and they HAD to be painful for me to learn them, otherwise I wouldn't have understood the point. We all have them in our lives, lessons are meant to be painful so that the point is beaten into your head. I've had to make plenty of sacrifices, gods know I have, to get where I am. Losing everything, my cats, my home, my security, my partner and best friend, my other best friend, only to get most of them back at a later time. I had to sacrifice and give up those things to be able to work on me. I've endured the pain and yanno what? I have walked away from it. It creeps up on me from time to time and I give in, but only temporarily. I no longer let it rule my life. And finally, this has made me stronger on all fronts. 

I'm able to stand on my own financially (I stumble and fall sometimes, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on trucking), which was a huge thing for me. I'm me; I honestly don't think that I've ever been ME. For the longest time, I was striving to be what Kristie (my biological mother) and Barry (my step-dad) wanted me to be. And then I was trying to be what Bryant (my first long-term boyfriend) wanted me to be. And then I was trying to be what Christopher wanted me to be. Or what I -thought- he wanted me to be. He never wanted that. He never wanted the Ditto me. He wanted the original me (Yes, I just used a Pokemon reference, deal with it. /equip sunglasses). I've learned to deal with my melt downs and because such, I don't have them nearly as often. This usually consists of me curling up in bed with Amy and Rory (stuffed animals), a glass of wine, some sweets, and TV, usually of the BBC sort (fucking BBC...). I could keep going with all the growth that I've had, but it's really not necessary (random note: It took me YEARS to learn how to spell that word right, and it only happened within the last few years...). The point is here. 

I had to give up so many things to gain what I have. And... I have this sneaky suspicion the Powers That Be aren't finished with me yet... There's gotta be a grand present in the end for making it through, right?

-Insert Title Here-

Because I'm feeling so blah that I don't even have the will to make up a title.

What is wrong with people? I wish I understood how people can hurt someone so bad and they don't even realize they're doing it. How can they be so oblivious to the pain they inflict on the person that loves them the most? 

Say, for instance, a very good friend of yours, your best friend even, who you see online every single day suddenly isn't there one day... two days... three days. Doesn't respond to texts. You start to worry a great deal, right? So they get online for all of ten minutes, say that they're fine, and then leave again. No further explanation and then they're gone. Again. For another two days. And then they get on again. So you strike up a convo, laugh that they're alive, and make some joke about where they've been. And then they go AFK. For the entire rest of the night. No message of "Hey, gotta go, may or may not be back". Nothing. 

Don't you wish you could just grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and scream, "I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE DECENT AND JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF RUNNING OFF AND STAYING AWAY FOR DAYS AT A TIME!?" 

So by now you all know that this is not a for instance situation, but something that is actually happening. And I know this person and they're like me and live on the internet. So this is a very strange occurrence for them. And I am a worrier, a mother hen. When something seems amiss, I wish to know about it so I can help fix it and set things right. Except I can't do that when the person refuses to talk to me about it and gives me vague answers like "Life and work." 

And it fucking hurts. Because they're my best friend. And I hope (or at least in my delusional kingdom where I ride a unicorn, wear a tiara, and am about 10 sizes smaller) that I'm they're best friend too and that they feel like they can open up to me and just talk to me like I do them. Because when they don't, I feel bad for always venting and dumping my problems on them. I feel like our friendship isn't equal and I feel like a burden (which is actually a very common feeling for me), which then in turn makes me upset and depressed.

So much so I woke up this morning and started crying. And I can't stop. Which is making work very difficult, because I can't very well sell people internet when I'm sobbing. So I'm basically just keeping this flat, monotone voice in hopes that my sadness won't show through. Hoping that my boss doesn't decide that today is the day to monitor my calls. 

Helping Others + Personal Truths

I love helpings others. I do it all the time. I believe it's my purpose in life to help others. I've thought this for ten years and I will believe it until the day I die. It's a great feeling to have someone come to you of their own volition and ask for your help and your advice. And even if I don't succeed, I know that I tried.

(Just saying, this is the very saddest song ever. I've had it on repeat several times this week, including now.)

However... in doing this... it makes me think about a lot of my own issues, my issues that I try really hard to shove down and ignore, but always seem to find a way of springing back up like, "Surprise! Here I am! Thought you were rid of me, but I'm still here!" 

I have a friend who is having a lot of issues right  now, and because of them, he can't see, talk to, communicate, etc. with his wife all at. And it's killing him. He's so tore up about it and he asked me how to deal with it (I only assume because of my separation from Chris nearly a year ago. Wow... it's almost been an entire year...). And I told him how I deal with it - that I focus on making myself a better person, that I focus on things I love, that I cry and scream and shout and whimper when I'm sad whenever I need to and then I move on. That's how I've been coping with the loss of Christopher as my partner. And believe me, I cry a great deal in regards to him, more than I care to let on. It's very hard being his friend and keeping our boundaries; the other night I made homemade brownies and was so proud and then he messaged me and pulled me into Ventrilo just to talk, nothing else, just wanted to sit and talk. And it was hard... times like that are so fucking hard for me because I just want to scream out "JUST LEAVE HER AND LET ME COME BACK TO YOU, DAMMIT!" But I can't, for obvious reasons. So then I have these awkward silences that I try to cover up with random prattle and the result is me sounding like an idiot. 

I'm getting off topic, kinda. My friend told me that his wife posted the above song on her Facebook this week and when he listened to it, he just lost it. Understandably, it's a very sad song, but when there's a very potential message behind it, well, that makes it a lot worse. I suggested he have a mutual friend talk to her about it, but he says that she's clammed up pretty well and isn't talking to anyone about what happened. So I told him what I keep telling myself - "If I can say anything else... I would say that if you have faith and she has faith, and you two truly and completely believe that you are soul-mates and this is meant to be... then it will. We all face trials and tribulations. If you make it out the other side still standing side by side, your love is only stronger. I know it sounds cliche, but you have to believe. You have to have faith. Just don't give up." 

I know I haven't been very open about the deal with Christopher in the past. It's been for any number of reasons, none of which I care to go into (you all know how to find me outside of my blog; if you wish to know or talk about, seek me out). But the things I told my friend tonight are the very same things I say to myself on a frequent basis. I know that my relationship with him before wasn't perfect. But yanno what? NO relationship is and if you think your shit don't stink and you do have the perfect relationship, you are either goddamn delusional or there are serious issues there that you chose to ignore and try to make it seem like things are perfect. Things could have been better with us; we both could have been better, done things differently. But we were young. We still had a lot of growing up to do. But even through all the bad, I still loved him. And I still do. And I believe with my heart of hearts that he is my soul-mate. In fear of sounding like the damn cliche of WoW, this is just a setback. We needed time to grow the fuck up and get our shit together. And that's what we've been doing. I've grown immensely and matured so much in a year; it was like someone gave me some Miracle-Gro. And he's doing great too; he's been promoted twice in less than a year and is chasing another huge promotion that he's willing to make every sacrifice for - going gameless, loveless, sleepless, anything just to get this promotion and be where he wants to be so that he can have the future he wants with whomever he decides to have it with. And I'm here, just being his friend and not doing anything to try and tip the scales in my favour; I'm merely hoping that fate does it for me. 

I think that's it. I really just needed to ramble and get this all off my chest. I try to write when I'm sad, and right now, I'm very sad. I'm going to curl up in bed with my stuffed animals Amy and Rory (yes, I have renamed them that as of now) and start rewatching Doctor Who.