I know it's not actually the new year yet but I wanted to make this journal now because I'll be gone later today and tomorrow.
For the past week or so, I've really been thinking about 2013 and everything that it has brought me. I've been trying to rate it, 1-5, and compare it to 2012. 2012 was great. We bought a car. I went to visit my [former] best friend in Wyoming and then she came here. I got engaged! I got my kitty, Misa, for our three year anniversary gift. I'm sure there were other things in there that I didn't touch on; those were just the big ones.
2013 started out pretty awful for me. I lost my fiance, my home, my cats, my car, and my security. I thought that I was being taken somewhere safe (Wyoming, with Laura) but that just kicked me in the ass too and I then lost one of my supposed best-friend, my car, my home, and my security. Again. I found myself knocked on my ass once more, struggling to just get my footing. It really was like the song says: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down." I got knocked around a good fair bit this year, and while it usually took me a while to get back up, I always did. In addition to the aforementioned things, a lot of other shitty thinks happened - I [temporarily] lost my very best friend, and it was very real and I thought that we wouldn't ever mend the damage, I broke someone's heart, I pushed myself too far and did some things I wasn't proud of and didn't actually want to do, I've suffered financial woes alone and thought that I was going to be broke ad infinitum, and my kitten died.
However, some great things have happened this year for me. I bought my very own car. All mine. I got my cats back. I've started paying off my school loans so that I can eventually go back to school for photography. I've been gainfully employed since May. I rescued a premie kitten named Snow (who died and mom brought back to life). I treated myself to two new tattoos with very important meaning to me AND to finally go see my favouite band, Nine Inch Nails. I've made up with my best friend and he's coming out to see me and the family in a month or so (we're hoping work doesn't complicate things!). I've taken some serious steps forward and I'm now independent and able to survive on my own (with a roommate, of course!). My self-esteem is returning. I'm remembering and embracing who I am.
I'm becoming the me I need to me.
Overall, this year had a lot of ups and an equal share of downs. I'm going to rate it a neutral 3 because of this.
Here's to hoping that 2014 gives me (and everyone else!) more ups than downs, more smiles than frowns, more laughter than tears, and more joys than fears.
First off, I'd like to start with this picture. Someone posted it on their Facebook on Christmas Eve and it really struck close to home. I reposted it on mine with the comment "Like having your best friend home for the holidays".
This Christmas has been particularly tough for me. Thanksgiving came and went and I thought of Christopher and wished he was here, but then I got over it and moved on. However... It wasn't so easy for Christmas. I arrived here (at mom and dad's) on Saturday night with the plan to stay the night and go home Sunday morning. Buuuuuuut... Then it turned into me just staying until Christmas night. And then last night rolled around and it had snowed and was late and I was full of lots of food and I just didn't wanna go. So I worked from here today (oh, the benefits of working from home!) and halfway through the day, I was thinking and I realized that I really didn't want to go home yet. So I was talking to mom about it and she was just like "You don't have to go home yet if you don't want to." So that leads me to staying the night again this evening.
And part of this is that I just need a vacation from home and I need to get away for a few days and such. But a bigger part is that at home, I'm alone. Yes, Lance is there but for the most part he and I keep to ourselves. So I'm alone. And being alone means I can cry. Which I've already done three times in the last day. I cried Christmas Eve before bed. I cried again Christmas morning before I got up, and again last night when Chris called to tell mom about how he spent the holiday.
This would have been our fifth Christmas together. I mean, after four years, yanno, it just becomes a thing that you know is going to happen every year, especially when you've become engaged. I used to be the Christmas Nazi and as I got older the feeling kinda faded away but it was always a special time of year. Without him here, it was like the puzzle wasn't complete; the piece that is him was missing and it was like a gaping hole to me. I missed him dearly and while I did send him a text wishing him merry Christmas and "miss ya", I couldn't exactly come right out and I tell him that I missed him so much and I was deeply saddened that he couldn't be here.
Though Christmas wasn't all bad. There were a few times where I wanted to kill children and was reminded that they are fantastic birth control. Mom and I made a spread of fabulous desserts - pumpkin rolls, apple pie, apple cake with cream cheese frosting, and double layer pumpkin cheesecake. The presents were great. On Black Friday, we had bought mom and dad a 32' TV. When I went to pick it up on Sunday, they told us they had ran out and had to upgrade us to a 39'. It was pretty awesome. I got Stephanie and Jarrett my old purple and black bed-set and Jarrett got a Doctor Who pocket-watch. Heather got a new camera from me, Steph, and Jarrett (and Chris' old computer). Zach got a mouse and a gaming keyboard. Mom and dad got the TV and I made a picture collage (Chris' idea) of all the kids. Chris is getting his plane ticket, a Zergling/Baneling plushie, a League skin, and a commission of Aven and Vel (two of our characters) derping around and being silly. Lance got a League skin and a sonic screwdriver flashlight. And Peter got a bracelet that says 'Time Lord' to match mine that says 'Companion.'
I got new gloves, a nightgown, a tunic sweater and leggings (and will have boots to go with it at some point), a throw blanket, perfume and bath stuff, a food processor, and a whole bunch of awesome socks from mom and dad. Stephanie and Jarrett gave me a massage gift certificate, a penguin mug, and a beautiful antique silver mirror (I had been eyeing it last weekend at the antique shop), which made me cry when I opened it. Heather and Zach gifted me a Pikachu hat, a Derpy Whooves keychain, a new Zelda wallet to replace my broken one, and a box of Tupperware. My step mom sent me a copy of Memnoch the Devil (the only book missing from my Vampire Chronicles collection). Lance bought me an awesome Rammus hat. Chris's present is on its way (he won't tell me what it is); same with Peter's. My mother sent me $100; part is going to savings and the other part went to a few games and a picture commission of a character. And I'm going to be buying myself a chainmail necklace in a few weeks.
So overall, it was a good Christmas, minus the whole being sad because Chris wasn't here thing. I'm sure that by tomorrow I'll be fine, I'll go home, and things will be back to normal. Until then, I'm lounging in bed in mom's office with my cat (yes, I brought Snow over here with me). Thinking... maybe... nap time.
