Ohaithar!

Mood: OK
Listening to: Loreena McKennit Pandora station
Reading: Some Jennifer Weiner novel
Watching: Yu Yu Hakusho
Playing: League of Legends
Eating: Angel hair with marinara
Drinking: Water


Two weeks! I know, I know. I'm so bad about things like this. I keep seeing it on my bookmarks bar and I tell myself "You should blog today!" And then... I don't. So let's see... Where did we last leave off? -checks post history- Aha! Yes, yes. 
You will all be pleased to find out that things are MUCH better since the last post. The heat wave came and went, then came back. We all wanted to die. It was terrible. For the duration of it, Minnesota (where I live) was the only place in this part of the world to be AS HUMID AS the Amazon jungle. REALLY!? THE FUCKING AMAZONS!? It was ridiculous hot. SO glad it's over. In fact, today we're sitting somewhere in the mid 80's. I even have a light blanket over my legs! How awesome. I can't wait for the fall to get here; it's my favourite time of year. Anywho! On to more important topics!
C AND I HAVE GOT BACK TOGETHER! -cheers and victory dances- Awww yeah! I was so stoked when he finally said yes. July 17 was the day. -sigh- So happy now. And things between him and I are actually going pretty well. We have our little spats every now and then, only had one "big" argument, but we talked it out and made it OK. 
Family still drives me crazy most days. I'm craving to move out like none other. I can't wait to have our own place, to actually have a kitchen where I can put our groceries, instead of our bedroom, where I can cook, where my kittens can roam free, where it will be my rules. Two months... Just two more months. I've made a wishlist at WalMart to try and get people to help us buy some things that we'll need for the apartment. If anyone wants to be super cool and donate... https://www.walmart.com/giftregistry/gr_detail.do?registry_id=86212001125! There's all kinds of stuff on there in all price ranges. Every little bit counts. 
Job search is still turning up nothing for me... I'm frustrated with it, C keeps telling me that it's OK and that he's already prepared himself to support me for a while since the economy sucks and we live in BFE and have no vehicle. He says that I do my fair share by buying groceries, cleaning the house (which is just two rooms in his parents place right now), taking care of the animals, etc. I still feel bad though. =/ However, I have discovered this thing called TextBroker. Basically, you browse topics and there are sub-topics for you to write about. You get paid by the word; most articles will fetch you $3-7 apiece. I did two today, and got almost $9. It's not much at all, but I figure if I can do at least one a day and get $4 for it (and have it accepted), by the time we move out, I'll have a little bit to put towards it. Again, every bit helps. 
So, I have embarked on a journey, and this time, I'm serious. I am going to lose weight and get into shape. My long term goal is 50 pounds. I have lots of short term goals, 5 pound increments until 25, and then 10 pound increments. C and I have implemented a reward system for me so that when I reach a goal, he'll buy me something. I'm pretty excited for it. It's going to be long, and difficult, and trying. But I think with my support network (him and a friend, L) I'll be able to actually do it this time around. 
I guess that's all for now. Three cheers for victories, [somewhat, kinda, sorta] jobs, and goals!

I cry at weddings...

Mood: Hot
Listening to: Nothing at the moment
Reading: -
Watching: -
Playing: -
Eating: Cookies and Cream poptarts
Drinking: Milk


... because I only wish that I could be as happy as them.

It may just be my moods are all out of wack because of PMS, it may be that the stars are out of line, or it may just be that I'm sad. Whatever it is, it really sucks and I'd like it to go away. The last few days I have been incredibly sad for a good portion of the day. And my mood is only made worse by songs that I hear on the radio (I still can't listen to that Kelly Clarkson song, 'Already Gone' without breaking down into hysterical tears) or things on TV. For instance, I'm watching Roswell right now, just got into season 3. Isobelle (spelling may be wrong, that's just how I prefer it) just got married. I sat there and cried at a stupid fictional wedding because it made me sad because they looked so happy. And then there's the episode where Maria breaks up with Michael (which, to be honest, I NEVER saw coming. They are so adorable together!). I cried during that too, because it was reminiscent of my break up with C. Also, during the previously mentioned wedding scene, I got really sad, because they had all their friends and family, from both sides, as weddings are prone to doing. It made me realize that if I am ever to get married, whether it be C or someone else, I won't have very many people to invite because I have alienated and distanced myself from the majority of the small family I did have and I'm severely lacking in the friend department, and if I do, chances are they can't come since they're all in Florida (or Pittsburg, as the case may be with my aunt and uncle). My "wedding" won't even be a real thing, and that is something to be greatly upset about.

Recently, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from Single to It's Complicated. When I found out all that shit about C and bitch-face R, I changed it back to Single. A mutual friend of C's and mine commented on it and was asking what happened. I told him that "It's Complicated" is just a fancy way of saying that you're not dating someone, just sleeping with them, and that I didn't want that tag. He said that he was under the impression that we were dating, and I told him that we were, for all intents and purposes, we just haven't made it technical and official. He was all "Oh, well I guess that's cool if you both are OK with it. It works for some people, not so much with others. But it's always nice to have that sense of security, just in case one person was to find someone else and leave the other out in the cold." At which point I became quite upset thinking about this because this time, I really would have *no where* to go. However, C's mom later reassured me that should something ever happen, I am staying here by her grace, not C's, and that I would be allowed to stay for however long I needed to until I got stable.

TL;DR - I'm tired of being single and it's starting to depress me.

Now... I love C's family to death. They've been more of a family to me than my flesh and blood has been in the last few years (since before I graduated, honestly). But some days... his sisters are enough to make the Pope cuss. H isn't so bad, she and I get along pretty well, but she is constantly in our room. And I feel rude telling her to GTFO, but c'mon now. I'm a 22 year old girl, I need my privacy. And having her in here all the time makes it REALLY hard to try and be intimate with C, because she's usually in here soon after we get home until 11 or so (on and off), and by that time, I'm getting pretty sleepy. I'm trying to play the role of "cool big sister" but there's comes a time when the line is crossed, yanno? And S, his other sister... She and I don't get along so well. I know you really shouldn't pick favourites within families (I know it's just a parent thing, but I still feel a little bad doing it) but H is definately my favourite of the two. I'm not sure what it is about S that clashes with me and makes me not like her. Call me a terrible, horrible person but it may be the fact that she has Aspergers Syndrome. It may be the fact that we don't have that much in common. It may be the fact that she tries WAY too hard (I really don't like people who try that hard, seems so fake to me). However, I can't be too open with my favouritism to H because then C's mom goes into Momma Bear mode and tears me a new one (been down that road before, don't wanna go back). But she does things that just send me straight to the fucking moon. She knows and has been told over and over and over and over again (at least since I've been here, I can't imagine how many times she was told before I moved in) NOT to touch any of C's things (and mine) without explicit permission from him or me. Whether it be one of our board games to a D&D book to using the gaming pencils outside of game sessions, she has been told to ask permission. Now, several times, I have found her drawing and feeding her obsession (a story for another time, C and I both strongly disapprove of it) to that boy with our pencils and paper, using the D&D books for only goddess knows what, taking the board games out to use with all her friends (she is INFAMOUS for losing game pieces), among other things. And we have told her time and time again to not do it. So this morning, I wake up and go out into the kitchen to get a butter knife to make C's lunch for him. As I'm walking though the living room, I see a yellow spiral notebook on the table, along with a bunch of her markers. I think "Hrm, I have a yellow notebook that I use for D&D..." I go over and flip it open and sure as shit, there are my notes. Along with one of the gaming pencils. And now, I'm furious. C is all "Calm down, I'll take care of it when I get home." Well that's all well and good, but I'm still entitled to be pissed off. And this isn't the first time. I've found articles of clothing in strange places. Now you're probably saying that laundry has a tendency to do that. But not when it's clothing that I haven't worn since I've been back in Minnesota. And these were pieces of clothing that I *know* that she was fond of (she commented on one of the shirts that I had worn in the winter time and said how pretty it was and when of my shirts was found in the girls' laundry, she told H that if I didn't claim it that she was going to). So anyways, this morning when I got home, I emptied out my small suitcase (where I happened to be keeping my bras, panties, and socks) and collected all of the D&D material and packed it all away. That way, none of it can be used without coming through me.

TL;DR - I can't fucking wait to get the hell outta here and into my own home.

Oh, and did I mention we're having an "Excessive Heat Warning" until Wednesday night? Yah, that's a surefire way for me to keep my temper under control. I really don't do well in the heat (I get incredibly frustrated and agitated) and coupled with my PMS, the smallest things are going to set me off. It's going to one hell of a long five days.

And today shall be...

Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: Country music
Reading: -
Watching: Wanting to watch Tangled
Playing: -
Eating: Craving PBJ
Drinking: Nothing, but want milk to go along with ^



... the day of rage.


For starters, the last two nights I've got jack shit for sleep. It's been a combination of the ridiculous heat/no AC/sleeping alone. I hate sleeping alone, with a passion. I've slept with the same person for the last two years (March - May was the exception and I slept really bad those entire two months); it's pretty hard adjusting, even if it's just for a night. But two larger people in a twin sized bed when it's 80 degrees is not fun. So C has been sleeping in the porch and letting me have the room. And coming home and trying to nap doesn't really help because the sun beams coming through the window right in my face. x.x
Second, we have fleas. Something terrible. I have bites all over my feet, ankles, and calves and I've managed to scratch some of them til they bled. Viani has scabs all over her neck from scratching. Now, if it was just Viani and Anera, it'd be no problem. Give 'em baths, slap collars on them, and put that carpet powder down. Viola! However, since we live with C's parents, we also have 7 other cats and two dogs that, obviously, go outside every few hours. Dealing with fleas is more like a never-ending war. If we give the girls a bath and treat our room, they'll just get the fleas back the minute they go out in the rest of the house. Flea collars will help a little, but since they've never wore collars, getting them to stay on is going to be a feat of patience. Of course, we could just put that carpet powder down everywhere and limit the exposure (more than we already do) the girls have to the house. However... that brings me to my next point.
Money. God, I hate money. I really do. With only Chris working, we're just barely breaking even every month. And I hate asking C for stuff that I need, but yanno... I hadn't been able to buy new panties in years... literally. Since I was in high school. And I was needing in a bad way. It was just $8 but still. I really need a new bra too, since I only have two that fit me (the other ones I wear I'm falling out of all the time). The kittens are going into heat and they need to see the vet. We need flea medicine. But it's all so expensive. The jobs gods hate me... C's boss is an idiot... She complained at the manager meeting that they need cashiers and for everyone to tell their friends and family to put apps in because she's tired of interviewing drug addicts. So both C's mom and I put our apps in. We haven't got calls back, even though we've called and bugged them. We're never going to be able to move out like this... 
Today has just been a mess. I couldn't sleep, so I woke up feeling like hell. I took C to work but by the time I got back, I was so exhausted I couldn't sleep. So I surf forums for a few hours til I feel slightly sleepy. Toss and turn for two hours or so and kind of get some sleep. Get up to go take a shower. Halfway through, the water turns ice cold. I rush to rinse off and get out, quite cross that now my sleep and shower have been disturbed. In my room, I dig through my suitcase to get some clothes. My shirt decided it was going to give me issues while I tried to put it on, so in a fit of rage, I fling my arm and somehow managed to take a chunk out of my chin and begin bleeding. At this point, I'm just furious. So I sit down and start to write this blog, turning on my country playlist. As I'm writing, the song Whiskey Lullaby comes on. I haven't heard this song is a *very* long time. I start bawling almost immediately because this song makes me think about my dad, who committed suicide two and a half years ago in the middle of my parents divorce. I haven't cried about him, or really even thought about him, since the one year anniversary of his death (which was a very bad day for me). 
And now I find out, of course, the one day I really want C to just come home after work and baby me, he can't because he has to go out with his dad and work on rental houses, which is gonna take a lot of the afternoon. 


I hate life some days. 

Bouncing Back

Mood: Warm
Listening to: Country
Reading: -
Watching: Yu Yu Hakusho
Playing: LoL is having maintenance 
Eating: Nothing yet, lunch soon
Drinking: Water

So... That last post... I have since cooled down, quite unlike the last time I found out about C and another female. 
(Totally off topic, but I hate Times New Roman. I really do. I mean, it just screams "I'M SO FUCKING BORING!")


Anyways, I took time, I cleared my head, and then... I started planning. Planning what, you might ask? Oh, my dearies... I have grown much in the past few years. No longer am I the young, naive, prone to blowing up girl that I once was. No no... I have grown and matured and learned. Psychological warfare is defined as this:
"The planned use of propaganda and other psychological actions having the primary purpose of influencing the opinions, emotions, attitudes, and behavior of hostile foreign groups in such a way as to support the achievement of national objectives."


Let me rework that real quick... Change a word or two...
"The planned use of propaganda and other psychological actions having the primary purpose of influencing the opinions, emotions, attitudes, and behavior of others in such a way as to support the achievement of one's objectives."


Ah, much better! Now then. Now that that's out of the way. I think that we all know where this is going. And I've already set it into motion. C and I have a joke about otters and so I was on the ICanHazCheeseburger network the other day and searched for "love." I found a photo of two otters together and it said "Significant Otters," playing on the term 'significant other.' I posted that on his wall on Facebook and commented that "Aww, it makes me think of us." I also found another comic (this one on accident) of someone trying to play with their cats and the cats caring less. And then the next frame is the person sleeping and the cats jumping and running and playing all over the person and the bed. I posted that one with the comment "lol This is basically every night with us and our girls." 
Every few days, I will post a picture or two, maybe send a Flair, like that and make sure they get publicly posted. Because this R person seems like the type that would visit his page often enough, and none of my messages will be over the top, but just enough to make her wonder and question and doubt her place. 
Step one - Complete


And for C... I have already set that into motion as well. That day, before I went to pick him up, I took a long, hot shower. I took tons of time picking out the perfect outfit (my only pair of jeans, which happen to fit me quite well) and a silver halter top that gives mountains of cleavage and hangs on my figure very nicely), applying make-up, and doing my hair in half-pigtails (Misa Amane from Deathnote for reference). I looked smokin' hot when I left. And he noticed. 
Step two - Complete.


Also, I've been willing myself to have a more active sex drive, because I know that's of the things that he's put out about. I'm making a conscience effort to make sure that something happens at least once a day (providing that one of us isn't sick/hurt, the weather isn't sweltering, etc), including making sure he wakes up nicely on his days off. And he's noticed that too. Plus... I plan on using their "thing" against him... Whenever an opportune moment presents itself, I will respond to a command he gives me with something along the lines of "Yes, Master" or "As you wish/command" to see if that sparks anything. Anything she can do I can do better, right?
Step three - Complete.


And now, I just rinse and repeat. For months, we've talked about getting back together. But he says that I still have to grow and change my bad habits and such. This is sure to give it a big push in the right direction. And then... I can start the posting of lovey-dovey boyfriend-girlfriend stuff on his Facebook and I'll be set. I'm a territorial female, fiercely territorial. I won't hesitate to run out a woman who I feel is stepping over the line or threatening me.  Let her make one wrong move... Just one... And then... it's as simple as game, set, match. I did it once... no, twice. I will do it again without a second thought. 


That can't be the only thing that helped calm me down and collect my senses though, right? Right you are! C's mom saw a status on my Facebook that day that went something like "I wonder how people in history felt when the discovered something on accident that made them change the way they see things... Maybe like that sinking feeling you get that goes from your heart to the pit of your stomach." And the minute I got home from picking him up, she was like "You. Me. Mudroom." I set groceries down, told C and his sister that I needed to talk to mom and headed to go talk to her. I explained what I had discovered and told her about the last incident with K when we first started dating. She and I talked for a long time. She told me that C is just like his dad and he's gonna do stupid shit like this, and that if I'm devoted enough, I'll stick by him through it and one day he'll realize that he's been an asshole and apologize and reform. She told me to make sure that I keep note, whether mental or physical, of every stupid thing he's done (the incidents with K, S, and R, for example) because one day, he'll want to know how he's fucked up. She said that I should just keep quiet about what went on with R and let it blow over. It was in the past, and to let it stay there. And so I am. She's a saint, and helped me through many a hard time with him, and I foresee her helping me later down the line many a time more.  


So no need to worry, dear readers. I am OK and have taken care of things. Now.. to make lunch and satisfy the rumbles in the tummy!

Emotionally Mind Fucked - The Sequel

Mood: Incredibly, inconsolably upset
Listening to: Fans
Reading: Dragonriders of Pern (only kinda, 'cause I'm losing interest, fast)
Watching: Yu Yu Hakasho (or however teh hell it's spelled)
Playing: LoL
Eating: -
Drinking: -
Yah, I know it's been a while since I last wrote. Two weeks or so... Sorry, guys. Just haven't really been feeling it. 
But today, ladies and gentlemen, I come to you with a heart full of hurt, betrayal, confusion, anger, frustration. Oh yes, prepare to feast on my misfortunes, for I have a story to tell.


For starters, I have found out that I cannot go to college. At least not for a long while. Why, might you ask? 
"You were all gung-ho about it in one of your previous posts, why the sudden change of heart?" 
Well, dear readers, it's not a change of heart, but more of a brick wall of bad circumstances. Since I'm in debt from my loans when I went to college before and have since defaulted on those loans, the government refuses to give me any financial aid until those loans are paid off (totally to approximately $3000). And I don't have a job. So I'm screwed right now. I pretty much had a total meltdown when I received the notice, and of course, C tries to calm me down, tell me it's all OK, that we will work it out. Not right now, since we aren't financially able to, but in the future. I calm down, breathe, and try to get a hold of myself. At this point, I'm angry with my mother, because it's her fault that I'm in this mess in the first place. That has been put behind me and I will bring it back out when I need to attend to the matter.
Still haven't found a job. The state is shut down, so looking on the local job website isn't helping me. I keep an eye on the newspaper and send my CV and resume in to whatever jobs I can do. C is trying to get me a job where he works, as a cashier. It's not fabulous, and I've worked there before (and I know they suck), but a job is a job. Cashiering isn't that hard, and the pay would be more than minimum wage. Put my application in (for a second time) about a week and a half ago... Still waiting to hear back. 
Sewing... well... it was going, it went, and then it stopped. I finished the costume for Master Evan (for the most part) but I haven't done anything since. I discovered our sewing machine is broke, so making larger items is going to be a bit difficult and I just haven't mustered the willpower to tackle it.
D&D is going well. C's other sister has joined us last week. Time travel and pirates and proposals, oh my! Tomorrow is our next session (I think).


Now... For the event you all have been waiting for...


I'm sitting at C's computer today, getting ready to play LoL. He has Chrome installed, but I use his Internet Explorer so that I don't log him out of the same sites that we use. Go to the search bar and start to type in league (for league of legends). Something in the History pops up in the drop-down menu, a blog. By the name, I figured it was a Darknester (for those that don't know what that is, please don't Google and try to find out. And if you do, I don't wanna hear any shit from anyone. My life, will do with it as I please.) so I click on it. It gives me a "You must be 18 or older to view", so now I really think it's a Darknest blog and I'm interested. There are only two entries, I see. I click the first of the two and begin to read. No, it's not a Darknest blog, but as I read, everything seems familiar... I continue to read, out of curiosity (I've come this far, might as well finish). No names of people are mentioned, but from an outsider's view, it would appear to be the blog of someone named 'Jewel' who is talking about their 'Master' and how they lived in California together and then she moved to Florida and he moved to Minnesota and lost contact. And how she pines for him, longs and yearns for him, the whole shebang. 
At this point, I know exactly who both people are. 'Master' is C. 'Jewel' is the little skank bitch of an ex-girlfriend, who will we call R.  
I continue reading, and it goes on to detail that she found one of his friends, N, on Facebook, and through N, C. She says how incredibly excited she is and how she messages him immediately "OMG hey babe!" She then goes on to say that she looked at his profile and it said "In a Relationship with K" (me) and that in their discussions, they both shared how unhappy each was in their relationships and how he wanted her back, but each was staying in their current relationships for sake of ease at the moment, but in the future, they would find a way to be together.
End of post one.
Now... I'm furious. Fuming, like a cappuccino of anger. When we broke up, I found out that he had been unhappy in our relationship since we were in Florida. Awesome. Whatever. After we broke up, I found out that he had been venting to everyone but me about our relationship, and getting a little too cozy a lot too soon with one of the people he was venting to (some bitch in our WoW guild, who I promptly told off in such a fashion, it would make a Shanaynay be proud, and then ran her out of the guild). This miscommunication problem I think is something that led to our break up in the first place but again, whatever.  
I move to the second post because again, come this far, why would I turn back? The itching curiosity would be enough to kill me. This post was two days later. This one talks about how much she misses him, wants him, dreams of him, etc. And... details of a phone conversation between the two. I looked at the date. November 17th, 2010. A Wednesday. Now, I remember back to last November and our work schedules. Often times, I was scheduled for Wednesdays and he would have them off. She talks of the conversation detailing them catching up and what not. And then... the topic veers downhill... Here is an excerpt of the blog.  


"Eventually the conversation turned, as it was almost certain to do with two adults who loved each other talking, to more intimate topics. I won't get into exact specifics but Master and I spoke of what we wished to do with one another right in that moment and spoke of it in a most detailed fashion. Needless to I found myself very aroused, this time when I moved to the couch the phone didn't cut out at least not right away. Master instructed me to begin fondling myself and I complied, making sure the phone was in a position that he could hear the noises I made. Sadly my phone eventually lost power and died. I got back on the computer and talked to Master for a little while longer, he instructed me to get myself off before I went to bed. I began to touch myself in earnst then, eager to get off as much as to please Master. After I had orgasmed I told Master and typed up a naughty scenerio for him to help him reach his own peak. When Master had cum he instructed me to go to bed. I was shocked to find it was 6 o'clock in the morning."


If that isn't evidence enough, I don't know what is. Now before... the thing with his ex, K... While everything seemed really, really bad, I can look back now and "almost" understand his reasoning. That incident is long gone; he was confronted (multiple times), I cried, he cried, he apologized, it's done. But this... There is NO reason for this. NONE. WHAT SO FUCKING EVER.  If this had happened, yanno, after the break up on February 13, then I would have nothing to bitch about. I had sexual conversations with people after the break up too (nothing in this extent, mind you) so that's not a big deal. BUT IT TOOK PLACE IN NOVEMBER! WE WERE STILL VERY MUCH DATING THEN! 
And looking back... I remember that there would be nights were I would go to bed alone, and wake up every few hours looking for him, and then him coming in quietly, sneaking in the bed in the twilight hours... And now.. it all makes sense why he did it... And why he got so upset when I chose to stay up late with him, or go to sleep and wake back up and stay up.


So now I pose you a question... 
What do I do?