You see,

the thing is, anxiety sucks. 

That tightness in your chest, where it feels like someone is squeezing your lungs where you can hardly hold any air.

The shortness of breath because it feels like you can't breath.

The alternating cold and hot flashes that make you want to bundle up and then take all of your clothes off. 

The sweat that pours because of aforementioned issue.

The shakes. The terrible trembling because you're so high-strung and freaked out. Shaking so bad you can barely hold anything in your hands. 

The overwhelming feeling that you're just going to pass out and crumble to the floor.

And then, the crash afterwards. The waves of exhaustion rolling over you after the attack has ended, dragging you slowly down until you just completely veg out or more preferably, sleep.

Now, this doesn't happen to me very often. In fact, the number of times this has happened to be over the past 4 years or so has greatly decreased. As a teenager, I had pretty bad anxiety issues. All the panic attacks, all the time. 

Nowadays, I can count the frequency per year on one hand. It's not too bad at all. Bad situations, extreme nervousness, facing fears. All these things can trigger an anxiety attack. For me, all of those things have before, but don't do it nearly as often as they used to. Now, it's large crowds. Large crowds freak me the fuck out. 

I recently went to a concert; it was a few months ago and I went to see Nine Inch Nails on their opening night of their tour. Were there a lot of people? Fuck yes there were. Was I terrified? Fuck yes I was. I happened to have my anxiety medicine with me (it's an herbal liquid, called Bach's Rescue Remedy) and that was able to calm me down a bit as well. I also was able to get the seat (I bought a seated ticket, not a pit one) right near the aisle so that if I did feel overwhelmed I could get out quickly. Last night when I was talking with my mom about my anxiety flaring up, she asked me how I attend concerts and the like. Well A) I don't do it nearly as much as I used to (living in central FL I had access to tons of concerts and theme parks) and B) I make sure that I can get to somewhere isolated. 

Why is this whole thing being brought up, you ask? Well, I gave into whatever it is you wish to call it and went shopping last night at Walmart for Black Friday (which I renamed Black Thursday night). Had I been totally on my own, I wouldn't have went. I would have left my parents house with a plate full of yummy dessert, went home and got into my nice warm bed, and watched Netflix while nomming on apple pie, pumpkin custard, and pumpkin roll. But my family was going and wanted me to go with them, so I braved the masses and entered into retail hell. And of course, it was the one night I didn't have my purse with me (that's where I keep my Bach's). So I went off with one of my sisters and got a mouse for her boyfriend and a pair of slippers because I knew I needed them and they were on sale. And then I went back to "home base" (the benches by the pharmacy) and watched everyone's stuff while they finished shopping. No, we didn't have a cart or a basket or anything. My levels of anxiety were spiking the minute I drove into the parking lot and there were no spots (I ended up parking on the grass on the side of the store). And it kept getting worse and worse as the night progressed until I could barely stand in line and hold anything. I checked out first and went to get the car while everyone else paid.

We ended up getting out in just over an hour and the whole way home (just over a mile) my mom had to keep reminding me that the speed limit was 30 and a cop wouldn't take "I'm having an anxiety attack" as an excuse for speeding. So we got home and I sat at my desk and held my cats (not all at the same time, of course, my lap isn't big enough for four) and took deep breaths to calm down. I then crawled into bed with my mom (she and Heather were staying until Heather's boyfriend, who works at Walmart, to get off work at midnight) and we watched Disney movies. Of course, I kept drifting off and then waking up in a panic because I thought that they had fallen asleep and forgot Zach. So they left at midnight and I was in for a night of fitful sleep - I tossed and turned and cocooned myself in my blankets and then freaked out and kicked them off and then got cold and freaked out because I couldn't find the blankets. And the whole night, I kept waking up with that kind of wake up that you do when your alarm yanks you out of a dead sleep and you wake with a start and your heart racing. 

To top it all off, I had a dream this morning that my best friend, Chris, married the bitch that he's with. And then that same day that we found out, my mom dragged me to go wedding planning for my sister. It was bizarre and I woke up not a very happy camper, not only because of that but my sleepless night. I had been debating all week whether or not to call in today (the plan was to call in and take a four day weekend). And I knew that I should just go in and suck it up but I felt like hell and my house is a disaster and I could have taken the day to rest and clean. Buuuuut, my voice of reason (otherwise known as my best friend) reminded that I really should just go in and that it was only six hours and I could rest and such afterwards. And of course, I always listen to him. So here I am, halfway through my shift, really regretting it and ready to go home. 

All of this, because of a stupid anxiety attack.

Anyway Friend

This post isn't really an update or anything like the last ones. It's just a little something that I wanted to get out there.

"An Anyway Friend is the one person in your life who no matter what they say or do, no matter what they've been through with you, they love you anyway. No matter how old you are or your responsibilities, if you have love, real unconditional love, you can make it." -Sam Bennett 

All of  us have our personal anyway friend. For most people, I would venture to guess that it's your spouse. Which is great. Your spouse should be your best friend. 

But this quote has made me do some thinking about who my anyway friend is. Sure I have people that I'm friends with and people that I know and can randomly vent to and they can do the same. I think about how many friends I had while I was in school, compared to what I have now. I think about how many friendships ended, my own and others around me, over stupid things. As I've grown older, I've realized that most of those "friendships" I had in school weren't actually friends. Or they were, but they wouldn't be nowadays. Being friends as an adults is different than it is as a teenager. Point in case, my former friend, Laura. The type of friendship that she wanted was one of a, for lack of a better word, juvenile nature. And I was ready to move on from that. It is what it is and there's nothing that can be changed about it now. 

Someone once said that it’s our loved ones that hurt us the most. While it’s true, I hate it. I can’t believe how selfish we can be that we don’t see how much we hurt people. It’s too easy to snap at our family and our friends and play it off as, “they understand, they’re just seeing the real me". And don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of doing this. I once had (it's a flaw I'm working on) severe anger misplacement issues. I would be mad at work so I'd come home and sling my anger to my significant other or my family. And when I was on the receiving end of it, it hurt. I felt like I had done something wrong or messed up. 

The point of all this is, we should really step back and figure out who our anyway friend is. Let’s face it, that anyway friend may very well become your spouse, your companion, your partner for life. So we better learn how to do our best by them now or one day, they'll realize that while they've been there for you anyway, but you haven't.

Blargity blarg blarg blarg

That is about how I feel right now. I'm actively spending a lot of willpower to keep my stress down because stress is bad and makes me hurt worse which leads to more stress which makes me hurt which makes me...  You get the picture. 

I'm stressing about my pain and the fact that winter is just making it 10 times worse. I'm getting this new kind of pain in my hip, deep in the joint to the point that at times I have to actually pick my leg up and move it. And my tailbone pain is a killer; I really wish I had the $25 to spend on a coccyx pillow. I can't really go out walking anymore because that evil white dirt has started to fall from the sky. And me walking in that is just a disaster waiting to happen. So I have my exercise bike which I ride but since I've been having the coccyx pain it's difficult. Which is why I started walking. There's this vicious cycle theme going on in my life right now... It's quite annoying. And my SAD has been flaring up. I started crying because of something that happened in-game and the ensuing argument last night. 

So. Money. I know I've said this umpteen times before but I really hate it. On my last pay check I had half my hours cut. So I'm barely scraping by right now. I really don't even know if the amount of groceries I have will last until next Friday. I feel like I'm constantly in the red, just barely getting by, literally living paycheck to paycheck. This car payment is killing me. I'll be done with it in March but that's still a long ways to go. I'm trying to keep money in my savings so I can cover emergencies and oh shit moments (it seems like there have been several of those lately). I just feel like I'm floundering here. I know, I know, things will get better. I know. It just really sucks right now. And since it's the holidays it really, really sucks. I wanted to get all this cool stuff for everyone and now I don't even know if I'm going to be able to afford much. Yeah, yeah, the holidays are about family and it's the thought that counts. But still... -sigh- There's this song by Martina McBride that really sums things up for me right now. 

"This is for all you girls about twenty-five

In a little apartment, just trying to get by

Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's

Wondering where you life is gonna go."

So. In other news... I have a pretty big announcement. Or at least, in my life it's big. And I know that I've said this like... at least three times before. But I'm 99% sure it's for good this time. I'm quitting WoW. The announcement of the new expansion was this past weekend. It seemed wonderful. And then... it wasn't. They're gearing the game towards the uber casuals and just ruining it in general. For people like me and Chris who like a challenge, it's not going to be fun anymore. So we're waiting for ESO to come out. Not sure what we're going to do in the mean time because that's 4-6 months from now. And by permanently leaving the game, that means that a lot of my characters will be getting the axe in my mind-space. Sai will always be a permanent fixture. I think the only other one that will remain will be Velahndra. It's really sad and it's going to be really quiet and lonely up there. But I just... they were created for the WoW universe (I know, Sai and Vel were too but they're different) and it's hard to carry that over. So yeah, that's that.

Al of course, the topic that I touch on most posts recently. Things with Chris are... going. He too is quitting WoW and dragging me to ESO. Not sure where our RP stands, as it is set in the WoW universe and such. He called my "honey" the other day. That kinda threw me for a loop. He has started complaining more about Sarah to me than he has before. And I even got to get a burn on her that he agreed with (which was just total win). The trip is drawing closer. I thought I could buy his ticket on this next check (I keep saying that and then shit happens) but looks like it'll have to wait again. Heather pretty well gave me the third degree while interrogating me about it last week, persistently asking if we were going to sleep together. And then Zack kept bringing it up this weekend. And then mom and Stephanie (we all took a trip to Albert Lea to go shopping and such). Mom told them that if it was to happen, neither of us will ever, ever cop to it (which is true); she also told me that I can deny it all I want but I've been in an emotional long distance relationship with him since we got over the break up...  I guess Zack had said something to the effect of "If Chris says he's moving back soon after the trip, we'll know they did it." But we all know that he wouldn't move back, it would be me going there (to which mom said if I did that I would be a world-class sucker, which I am, though I think it's more hopeless romantic than anything). In all honesty, I don't foresee his relationship with bitchwhoreface lasting. I've said that since Day one (so has everyone else). March will be a year for them; I don't see it lasting that long, especially after the trip here, since he's going to be staying with me (not that she knows that but I foresee a fight a'brewin' about him seeing me while he's here and what her thoughts are on that). But after that train wreck happens, I don't know what he'll do. They say history repeats itself and if history is any indication... Well... Yeah. Only time will tell right now.

So that's about it, folks. As always, will report back in a few weeks unless something amazing happens. (not likely).