This is a PSA Against Animal Cruelty

I love animals. It's no secret that my heart melts for all furry creatures. Torture to animals pains me more deeply than it would if it were to humans.

With everything that has happened in this last month (the bombings, shootings, stabbings, etc) my faith in humanity is damn near shot. But when I stumbled across this tonight, I was done. I simply cannot believe that this is happening IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! I know I hopped off the PETA bandwagon a long time ago, but I must call attention to this. As the proud owner of not one, but FOUR furry felines, I take serious offense to this and am deeply upset and disturbed by the things I saw and read in this article. The link at the bottom takes you to the webpage that has the video. I do warn you though; it is graphic.

Please, take a moment, read and watch this, send the email, and pass it on. We have got to stop this. Must. It is our duty as human beings, as compassionate souls, to save our critters from this fate.


Cats Tormented and Killed at University of Wisconsin-Madison
Experimenters at the University of Wisconsin-Madison have been conducting cruel and useless taxpayer-funded “sound localization” studies in which cats have steel coils implanted in their eyes, holes drilled into their skulls, and electrodes implanted in their brains. Sometimes, cats used in this experiment have had their ears cut off or are intentionally deafened by having a toxic chemical applied to their inner ear. The cats are then deprived of food for several days at a time in order to coerce them to look in the direction of sounds during experimental sessions in which their heads are immobilized by a bolt screwed into their skulls.
In the image above, is a gentle tabby named Double Trouble who was abused and killed in this barbaric experiment. In one instance, Double Trouble woke up while experimenters were cutting into her head. Following a series of invasive surgeries, she developed infections, became lethargic and depressed, started to twitch, and suffered paralysis in half her face. After the U.W. deemed the experiment a failure, the experimenters killed and decapitated Double Trouble so that they could examine her brain.
Shockingly, the federal government continues to fund this irrelevant and deadly project and has provided the U.W. with more than $3 million in grant money to abuse animals - even though researchers at other institutions around the world are already using modern methods with human volunteers to investigate how the brain locates and processes sound.
Help persuade the federal government to STOP funding cruel animal experiments and to put our tax dollars toward modern, humane non-animal research methods. You can assist by contacting the National Institutes of Health and urge the agency to cut funding for this barbaric and ruthless project:
https://secure.peta.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=4317
(Putting your subject line and letter into your own words will help draw attention to your e-mail)

-flops-

That's pretty much what I did the moment that I got home from work (an hour early, mind you). Even though I've been going to bed earlier and sleeping until my alarm, I still feel totally and completely exhausted. Not too mention totally achy all over, and I don't just mean the general aches and pains of being at work. I've really gotta get to another doctor in August and talk to them about the possibility of my having fibromyalgia (since my primary doctor brushed it off and essentially told me that I'm fat and don't get out of the house enough). Well guess what, lady? I have a full time job now, I DO get out of the house, I have regular sleep hours, I eat right, and I'm more active than I was before. AND I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD.

86 days and counting, ladies and gents. 86 days until I return to the frozen tundra that I call home. Pretty excited. I should have several boxes of stuff from Florida waiting for me as well when I get there. Should is the key word here; I'm really hoping that Kristie pulls through on this one for me. She said that she's going to send me something this week; that was on Monday so whatever it is should be here this weekend or early next week. 

Fuck... I'm so tired I'm having a hard time keeping concentration on this... 

Uhm... What else has happened... Still no luck in finding a second job. At this rate I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen and I'm just going to make ends meet with what I have. Even though that means giving up things like my sub to WoW for a few months, chocolate, wine, and other goodies I like to indulge in. 

Things with Chris... they're interesting to say the least. Some days, I don't even know what to make of him and it makes me very sad, but at the same time, happy. We've been chattering more often back and forth on Facebook lately. Yesterday I came home to a message from him to a link of a Zelda cosplay and what looked to be a diagram of how to do it. Zelda was going to be a huge part of our wedding and it had even been discussed having a dress made like hers for me (the one from Twilight Princess). We talked about League of Legends and about the new content in WoW (that I, sadly, don't get to experience). He's been reading my new writing project; he told me that it was pretty good and that he looked forward to reading more of it. For four years, I struggled to get those words out of him about any of my writing projects; to finally hear (or in this case, read) him say it made me a very happy panda. I just wish... yeah, not even going to finish the thought.

Started a forum RP/story board with mom; I'm really very excited about it. There are more details about it over in BIaP. Decided to put Catriona (character from Rose) in the forums to play her there as well. 

Pretty sure that's it. Going to go crash. Or something.

My Sister Blog for Creative Writing

Not much of an update on life and such here.

Just wanted to let you guys know about my new blog, Black Ink and Parchment.

I'll be posting updates about writing projects, particular awesome RP that I encounter, and character concepts.

Be sure to follow/bookmark it and check it out from time to time!

Just... Stuff...

Before I start, I'd just like to say how annoyed I am with the small selection of fonts available for making posts. They're all plain and boring. Can't I have some pretty and exciting fonts to make things look nicer? 

Anywho, on to the real reason of this post. This post doesn't really have a central theme; I'm just spouting.

OK, I lied. This post is a lot about Chris, with a few other things thrown in for good measure. I need to stop making these... -_-;;

So Sarah arrived there on Sunday. She went and met the family yesterday. It's done a pretty bad number on me; when I realized that it was all real and actually happening I went spiraling. 

Even though I know that "she's not me" (as I was told by Heather when I asked what she thought) and that no one is impressed by her and she will never take my place, I still am upset about this whole thing. Hell, mom even went as far as to not give her her trademark interrogation that she gives to every single person that her children get serious with. I remember mine; it was several hours long. It's just one of those things that she does; but she didn't with Sarah.

I also spent a lot of time talking to Lance yesterday, about me moving back out there and such related things. We also talked about Chris and I found out some things that are causing some conflicted feelings. Lance, too, seems to think that Chris is being a "shallow moron that is only thinking with one organ that ISN'T the brain and is being monumentally stupid." He is of the same thought that this will only last six months or a year tops. 

I'm having a civil war within myself; it's the brain versus the heart. And let me tell you, they're both faring pretty poorly right now. I laid awake for two hours last night trying to sort things out and make sense of everything. I didn't get anywhere, except for two hours of lost sleep. My brain is telling me to be logical and do the smart thing. My heart is, well, doing it's hopeless romantic thing. 

On the note of Chris, he's been really very nice to me recently. Tim and I had a falling out when I told him that I don't think that he and I will be romantically involved and that I think that he and I are on two different paths-- Holy dear gods and all things sacred, that's the exact same thing that Chris told me... I pretty much parroted what he said to me to Tim. Well then... I'm not entirely sure how to feel about this. Anyways... it went poorly and I'm fairly sure that our friendship is over. I should have seen this coming, but there I went trying to see the inherent good in everyone and only end up getting hurt in the end. But the point of this was that Chris helped me through it and helped me to see that it wasn't my fault. And all I could do was sit there and cry. Because that's probably the nicest he's been to me since I left, sans the getting to know me better exercise mom had me do that involved him. 

When this thing with Sarah inevitably falls apart and he's stuck in Michigan with no place to go... I'm going to have to fight like hell, burn ALL of my willpower points to get an automatic success, and possibly have others restrain me from trying to pick him up, dust him off, and fix him. I help people, I fix people. It's just what I do. The both of us still very much want to be friends; neither of us bear any ill will to the other and we just want to see each other happy and succeed in whatever it is we do. But when this happens... I'm not going to be able to be that friend to him; I'm going to have to distance myself, find something that totally distracts and engrosses me, and put my heart in a soundproof iron lock box so I can't pay attention to its pleas. It's that damnable empath thing... I wish I had an on/off switch for it. Sadly... it's not that easy. I can bubble, but bubbles only go so far. 

In other news, I have a date picked out to go home. July 20th. Mom's birthday and the fair happen the week after and I want to be able to be there for that. It's gonna be close... but I'll make ends meet somehow. The girls are totally stoked to have me coming home, which makes me very happy. Heather told me she loved and missed me several times on the phone yesterday; it was heart-warming. As much as they drove me crazy, they're still my sisters. 

Laura and I had a spat yesterday about Chris and friendship in general. I'm not really going to touch on it though because, well, I don't want to. I can't change the way someone feels; I can only accept and move on. And that's what I'm doing. I'm learning that trying to fight against things like that are a waste of spiritual energy and I'm drained of that enough; I don't need something else taking it from me. 

It is what it is. I'm trying to make this my new motto; not so sure how it's going though. =/

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Yes. 

That is exactly how I feel right now.

OK, maybe not -exactly- but pretty damn close. 

I am still struggling with my feelings and thoughts for Chris. They're haunting me. I think about him when I'm awake. I think about him when I want to think about him. I think about him when I don't want to think about him. I'm even dreaming about him. 

This is getting out of hand, folks. 

What in the name of the gods and all things sacred is wrong with me!? 

Ridiculous, I tell you. Rigoddamndiculous. 

It's so sad... I can't help it, because it's been a habit of nearly two years but every day at 3 PM (which would be 4 PM central) I think to myself "Hm. Chris will be home soon." I wonder what he's doing, how his raiding is going, if he's still playing League, if he finished Voyager and if so what he's watching now, if he ever went and found a new damn stick, how things at work are going for him, etc. I ponder if things will work out with him and Sarah, what he's going to do if they don't, where will he move to, will he come back to Minnesota, will he and I ever get another chance, will he still want me when it's all said and done, will -I- still want him when I'm finished with my transformation (random side note here: I pictured myself doing the whole Sailor Moon transformation when I was typing that). The harder I try to NOT think about it, the more I do. These thoughts creep into my mind; no, they slink, like a little, sneaky cat. The slink when I'm otherwise occupied and when I'm finished with my task it's like 'BOOM, CHRISTOPHER!' Or when my mind is just randomly running with thoughts, I somehow find a way to link them back to him.

It's enough to make you go mad. Hell, I'm already crazy (I think I was born there; I never stood a chance) and this is just worsening the madness. 

(Another random side note: When the hell did I start getting so many damn pageviews? It was like one a week and now I'm getting upwards of ten or more a day some days. o_O Dafuq?)

Anyways... Chris. In my head. Where he's been for the past four years and is somehow STILL HERE (which, granted... is because I still want him here, BUT STILL!). Yes. It's obnoxious. And annoying. Irritating. Frustrating. Saddening. Heartbreaking. Enough to make me scream 'til my lungs give out. 

Yay for Being Spiritual!

Alright. So. This one is gonna be a short post.

One of the things on my list of goals for the year is to get back in touch with my spiritual side since I've fallen away from the path. 

With a little nudge from Tim, I've started back on my path. Yay! -happy dance-

I have finally, after over ten years of practice, chosen my patron deity. Or rather, I have realized that she chose me. For as long as I can remember, I have been inexplicably drawn to the triquetra (more commonly known as the trinity knot or the "Charmed" symbol). I have never known why, I just was. At an SCA event over ten years ago, I bought a triquetra pendent. To this day I have it and I'm even wearing it right now. While I love my pentacle that I've had for about the same amount of time, I've always been more drawn to the triquetra. 

Come to find out it's one of the symbols for the Celtic goddess, Brighid. The one that I chose. Or like I said, seemed to have chose me. 

She is one of the essential triple goddess in Celtic lore. She represents healing, learning, and inspiration. Brigid presides over births, women’s issues, healing the environment, helping with increasing courage, finding your life purpose or direction, protection, warmth in relationships, warming the body by the hearth and creating warm foods to be eaten for warmth and healing. She is a source for practical knowledge of herbology, hands on healing, and creative expressions of art. Brighid is also a guide in healing of the spirit and body. It is said that she is a sun goddess, which would make sense in my case since I draw my power from the sun.

Her being a Celtic goddess would also explain my fascination with everything Celtic as well.

Once I move and have my own space, I plan on rebuilding my altar from the ground up (I left everything I had in Florida four years ago so it's time to start over and start recollecting). 

This is really very exciting for me and I feel it's a big step into becoming who I am again.

That bastard is back, it seems...

Yeah, that one. You know which one. He comes to see me occasionally. And when he's around, things get bad. 

Still not sure of who I'm talking about? Here, let me arrange an introduction.

Readers, meet depression. Depression, say hello to all my readers. 

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Or, yanno, don't. That works too.

The last week has just been really bad for me and I don't foresee it getting any better at all. I'm growing increasingly upset and irritated about pretty much everything. I've cried more this week than I have in the last month. 

I'm suddenly struggling a great deal with my feelings for Chris. I practically cry at the mention of him. This is absurd, ridiculous, outrageous. I should not be doing this. Every logical part of me says that I shouldn't. 
Then why is my heart still bleeding for him...

My homesickness is growing at a rapid, unseemly pace. I love my roommates to death but I want my own space. More than anything. I have this... frustration going to family gatherings here because I want MY family. When we went to Easter dinner, her grandma patted me on the shoulder and said "I bet this is really hard for you, isn't it?" You're goddamn right it's hard for me. I wanted to be at home, eating Easter dinner with my family, laughing and joking and having a grand time. Not that I don't appreciate them inviting me to their dinner, but I wanted to be with my own.

I'm struggling with my feelings for Tim too. I really like him and I really want things to work out with us when I feel like I'm ready to give it another go. And yes, there is a spark there. I can feel it. But it's not THE spark. The magical one you feel when you've met someone amazing, like in all the books. One person says that it's just a teenage hormone thing and it's normal to not feel it. Another tells me it is something you will experience no matter what age you are. I felt it with Chris; hell, with him, it wasn't a spark. It was an explosion of fireworks. But I was 19. I'm almost 24 now and a lot more jaded than I was before. I don't know what I should believe. 

I've also found that being sick is the best time to cry quietly. No one suspects the sniffles and nose-blowing and red, puffy eyes. 

I stopped taking my Prozac, cold turkey. I'm finding this to be a mistake. I thought that I was strong enough to deal with everything. I thought that I was getting better. I thought that I didn't need a crutch to help me. I was wrong, apparently. I'm going to call my doctor today and see if she will refill my script until like.. August/September. Just long enough to get me back home so I can see her and have a check up. 

I guess... I just ride it out and wait for it to go away and do the best that I can. It's all I can do.

Being a Grown-Up...

It's really not all it's cracked up to be, I promise.

Sure, we don't have people telling us when to go to bed. We can eat what we want, when we want. And yeah, we can make our own decisions. 

Although if you have a job, you usually still have a bed time. And eating whatever you want usually leads to regret and self-hate. And most importantly, decision making is all inclusive; we have to make decisions about EVERYTHING, even if we don't want to.

It's an incredibly frustrating paradox. /scream

When I first made the plan to move back home to Minnesota, I did the math and figured I would be going with ~$3,600. Taking $1,000 for buy a car (or put a payment on one) when I got there would leave me with around $2,500. Still very awesome and enough to last me for a while if the job search went bad OR to have as a good start on a savings for school.

However, as we all know, things NEVER go according to plan. Ever. As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." And indeed, life IS happening. My hours got cut to ridiculous amounts (though hopefully I'll go back to 30 hours/week here soon, which isn't the 40 I had planned on but... better than nothing). And I suddenly got more bills than I had before. With getting the car from Laura and Rob I also inherited a car insurance payment and putting gas in the car (and work is a bit a ways away). 

So suddenly I went from taking $3,600 to Minnesota to having $1,900. That is, if I leave in September. If I wait till August, it'll go up to $2,400. And that is before I have to pay for the car, so at that computation I would be left with ~$900 or $1,400. That's not a lot. At all. -_-;;

My departure date is really up in the air right now and is depending on one of two factors: A) When Laura and Rob plan on moving. Or B) When the fall CNA class is being held at St. Luke's. But hell, at this rate, I could save $900 by the middle/end of May. It would almost be more practical to just move then and get into the June class at St. Luke's or try and snag a summer factory job and just pay for the car once I'm stable.

/screams again

I'll figure it out, somehow... I always do. =/

In other news, one of the farm cats gave birth. It wasn't a conventional birth; we think that she just kinda popped one out and walked around and popped another, walked, and then the last one. Well we managed to save two of them right off the bat, a tortoiseshell, Tessa, and a tuxedo, Kaius (yes, I named them). However, Tessa didn't survive past the second day. I took it really hard; she was the one I was going to take home with me and I really liked her because she was coloured like Viani and Anera and she was the one that I found. But Kaius is doing really well so far. He eats like a little piglet, goes potty, has a good set of lungs, and moves around well enough. We have a really good feeling about him. Laura says that if he makes it past the first week he has a good chance. 

That's about it, I suppose. I guess I just needed to rant and be angry about being an adult.

Two Month Update!

It's been a bit since I posted, so I'm going to breeze through some updates before getting to the real meat of this post!

I finally felt miserable enough to take myself to the doctor. Come to find out I have an amazing sinus infection! That would explain why it feels like someone is jamming ice picks in my ears and why my head wants to explode. I'm on rest, liquids, and antibiotics now so hopefully I'll be healthy as a horse within a week or so. It'll be nice to have a full nights sleep without sniffling, sneezing, coughing, or waking up from pain.

Work is... meh. I only worked one day last week and when I checked the schedule I found that I'm only schedule for three days a week for the next two-three weeks. I went from having a steady, 40 hour/week schedule to not knowing when I'm going to work and scraping up barely 18 hours... Under suggestion from mom, I applied for unemployment for getting my hours cut so drastically. I don't think it's going to work, but it can't hurt. I'm searching for another FT job or a second PT to supplement my hours but it's not going so hot.

Relationships are back to normal, for the most part. Nick got really upset when I started seeing Tim and as much as I tried to smooth it over as much as I could while keeping all parties happy. Well, as I'm slowly learning, I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone and make everyone happy. Right now, it's just about making me happy and doing what's right for me. And that meant telling Tim that we're just going to be friends because I wasn't ready to commit. I think that things are OK with us, Nick and Tim both. At least, I hope they are. 

I now have my own car! Well, kinda. I will be driving Rob's car to and from work now and when I have the money I'm going to buy it off them for $1K. It's not my convertible (that my ex got in the break up =/), but it's a car nonetheless! I don't have the money to take it to a car wash/vacuum this week but when I get paid next week I will because it is filthy dirty! I can, however, scrub the insides, maybe today if I feel up to it. 

I called today and arranged a debt rehabilitation program for my bigger loan that I talked about before. I'll be paying $55 a month for 12 months and it will be transferred to another collector at that time. After six months, I'll be eligible for financial aid again. After 9 months, it will come out of default and become current. This is good, great, awesome! I will be able to get into school next fall. ^_^

TO THE REAL PART OF THIS! Because so much has happened since I made the initial list I figured I could give a little bit of an update as to how things in my life are panning out.
Let's see where I'm at two months after I initially made this!

~ I have found a job (the fact they keep cutting my hours isn't my fault but I am looking for another FT or a second PT one) and have not called in once (crashing into a snowy ditch doesn't count) even when I was feeling like death.
~ Apparently Laura's scale lies because it says I've lost 20 lbs when in reality the scale at the doctor's yesterday said I haven't lost anything. -_-;;
~ I have taken steps towards fixing my debt and will be able to get financial aid by enrollment next year
~ I found a school with my program close to home
~ Tooth is on hold until debts are in order and I'm back home
~ I'm kinda working on doing things I love. I have a few RP partners that I enjoy and I'm going to learn needlework at some point when I have the spare money.
~ Still kinda up in the air with this finding myself thing... While I haven't completely found myself, I have done an outstanding amount of growth in two months.
~ My spiritual side... Why do you always get pushed to the back burner... This one is actually going to be surprisingly harder than one might think but I AM going to work on it.
~ My self-esteem is slowly rising. I'm trying to put more thought into my image when I go out in public instead of just throwing on sweats and a t-shirt. I know that losing weight will really help this too.
~ Heh... The romance bug... @_@ It bit me, temporarily, but in my heart I knew it was wrong. Still swearing it all off until I am back to being ME.
~ I have my own car! Well, kinda. It's mine to drive around for now and I will be paying off Laura and Rob for it over time. And as of this fall, I will have my own place! Kinda. I will be rooming with Lance (again) but I won't be relying on a man to support me.
~ A friendship with Chris... I honestly don't think this one will happen for a very, very long time. =/ It is what it is. 

I'll update again here in another two months or so to see how things are coming along! I think doing it this way will really help. I'm the kind of person who likes to SEE results, so writing it all out helps me to know that I AM getting somewhere.