Short Rant

Fucking Christ... I hate being told that I'm in the wrong when I get pissed off at stuff that a certain someone has got pissed about before. 
It's OK to get mad because it's your sister, but the minute I get mad, I'm wrong and need to chill out. 
No, that's not how that shit fucking works.


And I'm raging out because I saw an IM on C's Facebook the other day from that girl from previous posts, R, saying that she missed him and loved him on his birthday, and then she asked if we were back together. He hadn't responded to her, but tonight as I was trying to work on a new story (just a side thing from one of the D&D campaign I'm in), I glanced up to watch C (he's been playing Aion so I'm trying to watch and see how it is) and there's an IM from her on FB again, and he's responded to her question, and she wrote back to him, but since I'm about five feet away and can't read the tiny text of a Facebook IM, I couldn't see what it was... And it is honestly driving me bat-shit bonkers. I'm not trying to be a spy, I just wanna fucking know what he said to her, since he kinda cheated on me with her before... 


Yes, I am very ragey tonight. I'm having some pretty bad bursty PMS mood-swings this week. This rant was supposed to help me get it all out and make me feel better, but it really didn't... Fuck my life so hard some days...

Bitch, whine, complain, QQ

Mood: Really meh
Listening to: Enigma Radio on Pandora
Reading: Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
Watching: -
Playing: -
Eating: -
Drinking: Water


So. Like the title implies, this is basically just a post to rant in. If you don't wanna hear it, get the fuck out. If you keep reading, I don't want any smart ass remarks or anything. 


So C and I met on World of Warcraft. I wasn't really an avid role-player at the time (I had been when I was younger, but then I drifted out of it) but he was. I really wanted to be again, so when I moved in with him, we developed new characters and would sometimes kinda maybe RP them. I think the total time that we played these two characters (role-play, that is) I could count on one hand. They were our mains for a very long time and I was very into our story and I thought that he was too, but he never really showed it.
So then we RP with another set of characters and one gets attached to another and they become involved. 
And then there's another set there are friends with benefits. 
And then our last pair are sisters.
Saidrym and Myrdias were RPed 5 times (at most). Ly and Khaen were RPed between 5 and 10 times. Aven and Vel were RPed twice. Lora and Mae probably have the most RP time together, but that's because we had another pair of people that we were involved with. 
Now, I am of the mindset that RP is just that - role-playing. It's not real, it's all fiction and make believe. So anything that happens during RP doesn't severely affect my real life (granted, there have been times I've become frustrated and what not because of something that happened in an RP session, but nothing big). 
My problem, however, lies with the fact that I have to beg, plead, bribe, and persuade by any means to get C to RP with me. I could take a binky from a fussy baby easier than getting him to RP with me. But as soon as someone else wants to RP, he's all for it, especially the one that is connected to his Mae. 
So recently, since we quit playing WoW, I've really wanted to find a way to get back into RP. So a friend of mine suggested we do a forum RP and asked me to invite my friends. Naturally, I ask C if he wants to come. He says that he's not sure and he doesn't know. So I get to asking friends from WoW, including the aforementioned girl. As soon as I mention to him that she's interested in it, his interests perks threefold. Then yesterday when they were talking on battle.net chat and she told him that she was for sure gonna do it (once we have the site up and running), he told me he was totally game for it. And he's even went and joined some RP forum website thing just so that he can talk and RP with her.
WHY WON'T HE EVEN PUT FORTH A LITTLE EFFORT FOR ME!?! 
I feel so neglected because of this. =/ 
That's all, I suppose.

So Stressed Out...

So, uh... 
Fuck my life.
A lot.
Completely.
Totally. 
100%.


After consulting with a lawyer today about my debt, I have been advised against bankruptcy. I have over $14,000. About $9000 of it is in student loans (I didn't realize I had that much) and those cannot be discharged by bankruptcy. Even if I was to start paying $100 a month towards my loans, they wouldn't be paid off for 7.5 years. I'll be almost 30 then. If C and I decide to have kids, it'll be around that time, and going back to school just won't be an option. 
The only way I'll be able to go back to school is if I wait until my 30's OR somehow come into $15,000 to pay off my debt in full. Or get the money to just outright pay for schooling (but I would rather just pay the debts off). 
Way to make my fucking life. Thanks, Ma, for fucking me over so goddamn hard.

How Do You Deal With...

Mood: Numb
Listening to: YouTube
Reading: Ya-Ya's in Bloom (a sequel that's kind of a prequel to The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood)
Watching: Mortal Kombat machinima's (which are very good, if you're a fan)
Playing: League of Legends
Eating: Salad
Drinking: Fiji Water 


... that nasty six letter word? Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. The one that everyone, no matter what race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, dreads hearing. The word that can make someone drop to their knees in despair and cry to the heavens, demanding an answer.


Cancer.


No, I don't have it. My aunt does. We found out yesterday that my aunt has brain cancer. They thought the tumor they found was benign and that they would remove it and she would be OK. But then the surgery revealed it was malignant. This is as much as I know. I haven't heard anything back from my family concerning her test results yet, like what her chances are, how far it's spread, how long she has, etc. I did some research and a general survival rate for a white female is 33%... That's not a lot. I mean, it's 1/3, which is OK. It's good compared to some other terminal illnesses that are 1/8, 1/10, or 1/100. But still... 33% is harsh... And she's so young... Not even 30 yet. 
I broke down when I got the news. I was in complete hysterics, so much so I could barely form words. I was eating dinner, but the food was like tasteless mush in my mouth. I haven't spoke with her yet; she has my number and has been told to call me whenever she can. I'm afraid to talk to her. I don't know what to say to her. I don't want it to be one of those awkward conversations where we dance around the topic nervously, neither of us bringing it up and having those awkward pauses and silences, and when it does finally get brought up, breaking down into tears. I have to be strong for her; she needs it. 
Because of all this, I had to speak with my mother, whom I haven't spoken to in nearly a year. She tried to be nice and tell me she loved me and that I'm her baby girl and what not. Strange how family tragedy can make people forget/forgive past events. It was hard for me, because I didn't know what to say. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I loved her. I know I probably hurt her pretty bad when I did, but I'm not ready to forgive her yet. 
I don't know what to do. If something happens, and she passes, there's no way that I can go to the funeral. I'm half a country away, and quite broke. And possibly getting ready to start a new job. But I'll feel like a complete bitch if I don't go, should that event arise.


If anyone has any experience with this, please help me. And any prayers and good vibes that can be spared are muchly appreciated.