Happy New Year 2014

I know it's not actually the new year yet but I wanted to make this journal now because I'll be gone later today and tomorrow. 

For the past week or so, I've really been thinking about 2013 and everything that it has brought me. I've been trying to rate it, 1-5, and compare it to 2012. 2012 was great. We bought a car. I went to visit my [former] best friend in Wyoming and then she came here. I got engaged! I got my kitty, Misa, for our three year anniversary gift. I'm sure there were other things in there that I didn't touch on; those were just the big ones. 

2013 started out pretty awful for me. I lost my fiance, my home, my cats, my car, and my security. I thought that I was being taken somewhere safe (Wyoming, with Laura) but that just kicked me in the ass too and I then lost one of my supposed best-friend, my car, my home, and my security. Again. I found myself knocked on my ass once more, struggling to just get my footing. It really was like the song says: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down." I got knocked around a good fair bit this year, and while it usually took me a while to get back up, I always did. In addition to the aforementioned things, a lot of other shitty thinks happened - I [temporarily] lost my very best friend, and it was very real and I thought that we wouldn't ever mend the damage, I broke someone's heart, I pushed myself too far and did some things I wasn't proud of and didn't actually want to do, I've suffered financial woes alone and thought that I was going to be broke ad infinitum, and my kitten died. 

However, some great things have happened this year for me. I bought my very own car. All mine. I got my cats back. I've started paying off my school loans so that I can eventually go back to school for photography. I've been gainfully employed since May. I rescued a premie kitten named Snow (who died and mom brought back to life). I treated myself to two new tattoos with very important meaning to me AND to finally go see my favouite band, Nine Inch Nails. I've made up with my best friend and he's coming out to see me and the family in a month or so (we're hoping work doesn't complicate things!). I've taken some serious steps forward and I'm now independent and able to survive on my own (with a roommate, of course!). My self-esteem is returning. I'm remembering and embracing who I am. 

I'm becoming the me I need to me.

Overall, this year had a lot of ups and an equal share of downs. I'm going to rate it a neutral 3 because of this.

Here's to hoping that 2014 gives me (and everyone else!) more ups than downs, more smiles than frowns, more laughter than tears, and more joys than fears. 

Christmas

First off, I'd like to start with this picture. Someone posted it on their Facebook on Christmas Eve and it really struck close to home. I reposted it on mine with the comment "Like having your best friend home for the holidays". 

This Christmas has been particularly tough for me. Thanksgiving came and went and I thought of Christopher and wished he was here, but then I got over it and moved on. However... It wasn't so easy for Christmas. I arrived here (at mom and dad's) on Saturday night with the plan to stay the night and go home Sunday morning. Buuuuuuut... Then it turned into me just staying until Christmas night. And then last night rolled around and it had snowed and was late and I was full of lots of food and I just didn't wanna go. So I worked from here today (oh, the benefits of working from home!) and halfway through the day, I was thinking and I realized that I really didn't want to go home yet. So I was talking to mom about it and she was just like "You don't have to go home yet if you don't want to." So that leads me to staying the night again this evening. 

And part of this is that I just need a vacation from home and I need to get away for a few days and such. But a bigger part is that at home, I'm alone. Yes, Lance is there but for the most part he and I keep to ourselves. So I'm alone. And being alone means I can cry. Which I've already done three times in the last day. I cried Christmas Eve before bed. I cried again Christmas morning before I got up, and again last night when Chris called to tell mom about how he spent the holiday. 

This would have been our fifth Christmas together. I mean, after four years, yanno, it just becomes a thing that you know is going to happen every year, especially when you've become engaged. I used to be the Christmas Nazi and as I got older the feeling kinda faded away but it was always a special time of year. Without him here, it was like the puzzle wasn't complete; the piece that is him was missing and it was like a gaping hole to me. I missed him dearly and while I did send him a text wishing him merry Christmas and "miss ya", I couldn't exactly come right out and I tell him that I missed him so much and I was deeply saddened that he couldn't be here. 

Though Christmas wasn't all bad. There were a few times where I wanted to kill children and was reminded that they are fantastic birth control. Mom and I made a spread of fabulous desserts - pumpkin rolls, apple pie, apple cake with cream cheese frosting, and double layer pumpkin cheesecake. The presents were great. On Black Friday, we had bought mom and dad a 32' TV. When I went to pick it up on Sunday, they told us they had ran out and had to upgrade us to a 39'. It was pretty awesome. I got Stephanie and Jarrett my old purple and black bed-set and Jarrett got a Doctor Who pocket-watch. Heather got a new camera from me, Steph, and Jarrett (and Chris' old computer). Zach got a mouse and a gaming keyboard. Mom and dad got the TV and I made a picture collage (Chris' idea) of all the kids. Chris is getting his plane ticket, a Zergling/Baneling plushie, a League skin, and a commission of Aven and Vel (two of our characters) derping around and being silly. Lance got a League skin and a sonic screwdriver flashlight. And Peter got a bracelet that says 'Time Lord' to match mine that says 'Companion.'

I got new gloves, a nightgown, a tunic sweater and leggings (and will have boots to go with it at some point), a throw blanket, perfume and bath stuff, a food processor, and a whole bunch of awesome socks from mom and dad. Stephanie and Jarrett gave me a massage gift certificate, a penguin mug, and a beautiful antique silver mirror (I had been eyeing it last weekend at the antique shop), which made me cry when I opened it. Heather and Zach gifted me a Pikachu hat, a Derpy Whooves keychain, a new Zelda wallet to replace my broken one, and a box of Tupperware. My step mom sent me a copy of Memnoch the Devil (the only book missing from my Vampire Chronicles collection). Lance bought me an awesome Rammus hat. Chris's present is on its way (he won't tell me what it is); same with Peter's. My mother sent me $100; part is going to savings and the other part went to a few games and a picture commission of a character. And I'm going to be buying myself a chainmail necklace in a few weeks.

So overall, it was a good Christmas, minus the whole being sad because Chris wasn't here thing. I'm sure that by tomorrow I'll be fine, I'll go home, and things will be back to normal. Until then, I'm lounging in bed in mom's office with my cat (yes, I brought Snow over here with me). Thinking... maybe... nap time.

You see,

the thing is, anxiety sucks. 

That tightness in your chest, where it feels like someone is squeezing your lungs where you can hardly hold any air.

The shortness of breath because it feels like you can't breath.

The alternating cold and hot flashes that make you want to bundle up and then take all of your clothes off. 

The sweat that pours because of aforementioned issue.

The shakes. The terrible trembling because you're so high-strung and freaked out. Shaking so bad you can barely hold anything in your hands. 

The overwhelming feeling that you're just going to pass out and crumble to the floor.

And then, the crash afterwards. The waves of exhaustion rolling over you after the attack has ended, dragging you slowly down until you just completely veg out or more preferably, sleep.

Now, this doesn't happen to me very often. In fact, the number of times this has happened to be over the past 4 years or so has greatly decreased. As a teenager, I had pretty bad anxiety issues. All the panic attacks, all the time. 

Nowadays, I can count the frequency per year on one hand. It's not too bad at all. Bad situations, extreme nervousness, facing fears. All these things can trigger an anxiety attack. For me, all of those things have before, but don't do it nearly as often as they used to. Now, it's large crowds. Large crowds freak me the fuck out. 

I recently went to a concert; it was a few months ago and I went to see Nine Inch Nails on their opening night of their tour. Were there a lot of people? Fuck yes there were. Was I terrified? Fuck yes I was. I happened to have my anxiety medicine with me (it's an herbal liquid, called Bach's Rescue Remedy) and that was able to calm me down a bit as well. I also was able to get the seat (I bought a seated ticket, not a pit one) right near the aisle so that if I did feel overwhelmed I could get out quickly. Last night when I was talking with my mom about my anxiety flaring up, she asked me how I attend concerts and the like. Well A) I don't do it nearly as much as I used to (living in central FL I had access to tons of concerts and theme parks) and B) I make sure that I can get to somewhere isolated. 

Why is this whole thing being brought up, you ask? Well, I gave into whatever it is you wish to call it and went shopping last night at Walmart for Black Friday (which I renamed Black Thursday night). Had I been totally on my own, I wouldn't have went. I would have left my parents house with a plate full of yummy dessert, went home and got into my nice warm bed, and watched Netflix while nomming on apple pie, pumpkin custard, and pumpkin roll. But my family was going and wanted me to go with them, so I braved the masses and entered into retail hell. And of course, it was the one night I didn't have my purse with me (that's where I keep my Bach's). So I went off with one of my sisters and got a mouse for her boyfriend and a pair of slippers because I knew I needed them and they were on sale. And then I went back to "home base" (the benches by the pharmacy) and watched everyone's stuff while they finished shopping. No, we didn't have a cart or a basket or anything. My levels of anxiety were spiking the minute I drove into the parking lot and there were no spots (I ended up parking on the grass on the side of the store). And it kept getting worse and worse as the night progressed until I could barely stand in line and hold anything. I checked out first and went to get the car while everyone else paid.

We ended up getting out in just over an hour and the whole way home (just over a mile) my mom had to keep reminding me that the speed limit was 30 and a cop wouldn't take "I'm having an anxiety attack" as an excuse for speeding. So we got home and I sat at my desk and held my cats (not all at the same time, of course, my lap isn't big enough for four) and took deep breaths to calm down. I then crawled into bed with my mom (she and Heather were staying until Heather's boyfriend, who works at Walmart, to get off work at midnight) and we watched Disney movies. Of course, I kept drifting off and then waking up in a panic because I thought that they had fallen asleep and forgot Zach. So they left at midnight and I was in for a night of fitful sleep - I tossed and turned and cocooned myself in my blankets and then freaked out and kicked them off and then got cold and freaked out because I couldn't find the blankets. And the whole night, I kept waking up with that kind of wake up that you do when your alarm yanks you out of a dead sleep and you wake with a start and your heart racing. 

To top it all off, I had a dream this morning that my best friend, Chris, married the bitch that he's with. And then that same day that we found out, my mom dragged me to go wedding planning for my sister. It was bizarre and I woke up not a very happy camper, not only because of that but my sleepless night. I had been debating all week whether or not to call in today (the plan was to call in and take a four day weekend). And I knew that I should just go in and suck it up but I felt like hell and my house is a disaster and I could have taken the day to rest and clean. Buuuuut, my voice of reason (otherwise known as my best friend) reminded that I really should just go in and that it was only six hours and I could rest and such afterwards. And of course, I always listen to him. So here I am, halfway through my shift, really regretting it and ready to go home. 

All of this, because of a stupid anxiety attack.

Anyway Friend

This post isn't really an update or anything like the last ones. It's just a little something that I wanted to get out there.

"An Anyway Friend is the one person in your life who no matter what they say or do, no matter what they've been through with you, they love you anyway. No matter how old you are or your responsibilities, if you have love, real unconditional love, you can make it." -Sam Bennett 

All of  us have our personal anyway friend. For most people, I would venture to guess that it's your spouse. Which is great. Your spouse should be your best friend. 

But this quote has made me do some thinking about who my anyway friend is. Sure I have people that I'm friends with and people that I know and can randomly vent to and they can do the same. I think about how many friends I had while I was in school, compared to what I have now. I think about how many friendships ended, my own and others around me, over stupid things. As I've grown older, I've realized that most of those "friendships" I had in school weren't actually friends. Or they were, but they wouldn't be nowadays. Being friends as an adults is different than it is as a teenager. Point in case, my former friend, Laura. The type of friendship that she wanted was one of a, for lack of a better word, juvenile nature. And I was ready to move on from that. It is what it is and there's nothing that can be changed about it now. 

Someone once said that it’s our loved ones that hurt us the most. While it’s true, I hate it. I can’t believe how selfish we can be that we don’t see how much we hurt people. It’s too easy to snap at our family and our friends and play it off as, “they understand, they’re just seeing the real me". And don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of doing this. I once had (it's a flaw I'm working on) severe anger misplacement issues. I would be mad at work so I'd come home and sling my anger to my significant other or my family. And when I was on the receiving end of it, it hurt. I felt like I had done something wrong or messed up. 

The point of all this is, we should really step back and figure out who our anyway friend is. Let’s face it, that anyway friend may very well become your spouse, your companion, your partner for life. So we better learn how to do our best by them now or one day, they'll realize that while they've been there for you anyway, but you haven't.

Blargity blarg blarg blarg

That is about how I feel right now. I'm actively spending a lot of willpower to keep my stress down because stress is bad and makes me hurt worse which leads to more stress which makes me hurt which makes me...  You get the picture. 

I'm stressing about my pain and the fact that winter is just making it 10 times worse. I'm getting this new kind of pain in my hip, deep in the joint to the point that at times I have to actually pick my leg up and move it. And my tailbone pain is a killer; I really wish I had the $25 to spend on a coccyx pillow. I can't really go out walking anymore because that evil white dirt has started to fall from the sky. And me walking in that is just a disaster waiting to happen. So I have my exercise bike which I ride but since I've been having the coccyx pain it's difficult. Which is why I started walking. There's this vicious cycle theme going on in my life right now... It's quite annoying. And my SAD has been flaring up. I started crying because of something that happened in-game and the ensuing argument last night. 

So. Money. I know I've said this umpteen times before but I really hate it. On my last pay check I had half my hours cut. So I'm barely scraping by right now. I really don't even know if the amount of groceries I have will last until next Friday. I feel like I'm constantly in the red, just barely getting by, literally living paycheck to paycheck. This car payment is killing me. I'll be done with it in March but that's still a long ways to go. I'm trying to keep money in my savings so I can cover emergencies and oh shit moments (it seems like there have been several of those lately). I just feel like I'm floundering here. I know, I know, things will get better. I know. It just really sucks right now. And since it's the holidays it really, really sucks. I wanted to get all this cool stuff for everyone and now I don't even know if I'm going to be able to afford much. Yeah, yeah, the holidays are about family and it's the thought that counts. But still... -sigh- There's this song by Martina McBride that really sums things up for me right now. 

"This is for all you girls about twenty-five

In a little apartment, just trying to get by

Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's

Wondering where you life is gonna go."

So. In other news... I have a pretty big announcement. Or at least, in my life it's big. And I know that I've said this like... at least three times before. But I'm 99% sure it's for good this time. I'm quitting WoW. The announcement of the new expansion was this past weekend. It seemed wonderful. And then... it wasn't. They're gearing the game towards the uber casuals and just ruining it in general. For people like me and Chris who like a challenge, it's not going to be fun anymore. So we're waiting for ESO to come out. Not sure what we're going to do in the mean time because that's 4-6 months from now. And by permanently leaving the game, that means that a lot of my characters will be getting the axe in my mind-space. Sai will always be a permanent fixture. I think the only other one that will remain will be Velahndra. It's really sad and it's going to be really quiet and lonely up there. But I just... they were created for the WoW universe (I know, Sai and Vel were too but they're different) and it's hard to carry that over. So yeah, that's that.

Al of course, the topic that I touch on most posts recently. Things with Chris are... going. He too is quitting WoW and dragging me to ESO. Not sure where our RP stands, as it is set in the WoW universe and such. He called my "honey" the other day. That kinda threw me for a loop. He has started complaining more about Sarah to me than he has before. And I even got to get a burn on her that he agreed with (which was just total win). The trip is drawing closer. I thought I could buy his ticket on this next check (I keep saying that and then shit happens) but looks like it'll have to wait again. Heather pretty well gave me the third degree while interrogating me about it last week, persistently asking if we were going to sleep together. And then Zack kept bringing it up this weekend. And then mom and Stephanie (we all took a trip to Albert Lea to go shopping and such). Mom told them that if it was to happen, neither of us will ever, ever cop to it (which is true); she also told me that I can deny it all I want but I've been in an emotional long distance relationship with him since we got over the break up...  I guess Zack had said something to the effect of "If Chris says he's moving back soon after the trip, we'll know they did it." But we all know that he wouldn't move back, it would be me going there (to which mom said if I did that I would be a world-class sucker, which I am, though I think it's more hopeless romantic than anything). In all honesty, I don't foresee his relationship with bitchwhoreface lasting. I've said that since Day one (so has everyone else). March will be a year for them; I don't see it lasting that long, especially after the trip here, since he's going to be staying with me (not that she knows that but I foresee a fight a'brewin' about him seeing me while he's here and what her thoughts are on that). But after that train wreck happens, I don't know what he'll do. They say history repeats itself and if history is any indication... Well... Yeah. Only time will tell right now.

So that's about it, folks. As always, will report back in a few weeks unless something amazing happens. (not likely).

October

Yanno, this used to be my favourite month of the year. And now, it's just another month. I guess because I don't really get into Halloween like I used to. Guess it comes with age? I dunno. Maybe once I have a kid my spark for the holiday will come back.

So. I'm sad. And there's a number of reasons for it. (Before I continue, I'll just make a blanket statement that this entry is going to be all over the place.) I'm reasonably sure that I have SAD (seasonal affected depression). This will be my fifth winter here and it's happened pretty well every year. (Yanno, I've tried to write this entry like... three times now. I'm sure I'll finish it eventually.) So I'm sad because the weather causes some stupid chemical imbalance. I'm sad because it's getting cold and cold is for snuggles and I don't have a snuggle buddy. I'm sad because it's winter and this was the year that Chris was supposed to teach me to drive in the snow (circumstances have prevented this the last four years), but now I'll be learning all on my own, hopefully with no accidents. I'm sad because I'm irritated with WoW; I just want it to be like when I first started playing back in '08 and '09. But it's not and it never will be and I need to just get over it. I'm sad because my doctor is a twat and refuses to test me for fibromyalgia (or rather test me for other things to rule them out so we can determine that I have fibro) until I lose ~100 pounds. Which is stupid, because it's a known fact that people with fibro have difficultly losing weight for a myriad of reasons, which leads me to my next thing. I'm sad because I hurt. All the time. And it's just getting worse. I want to get up and work out. I want to go out walking. But it's cold. And I hurt. And the cold makes the hurt worse. My joints and muscle scream out every day. There are times where I just lay there and cry. And my injury from Walmart is still acting up. There's a yoga class in town. But it's at noon, which is right in the middle of my work shift. And Netflix is a whore and took down all the workout and yoga videos. And lastly... I'm sad because of a reason that I've been refusing to admit, because of a reason that I've been fighting, because of a reason I'm scared to come to terms with. 

I miss Christopher. 

I  miss him with all my might. And I know a lot has to do with most of the aforementioned issues. A lot has to do with the fact that he and I are talking so much and interacting so much now. Some has to do with the fact that it's the holiday season and we've spent the last four together. Whatever the reason, I miss him. He's agreed to come and see me in January for a late holiday visit; I'm grandly excited for it. I have no idea what we're going to do for the 5 days he's here; I know we'll spend some time with the family, but then there's going to be some time where it's just him and I. Maybe we'll work on Idea Box. Maybe I'll force him to watch Doctor Who with me. Maybe we'll just sit and talk. But whatever we do, I know it'll be hard on me. I know that I have to to keeps things on the friend level (unless, of course, he miraculously becomes single before then). 

In other news, I've decided that I'm going to try and decorate my house for the holidays this year. I bought some fall-themed stuff (that the cats are trying to destroy and as far as the tablecloth goes, they did; next time, I'll get a fabric one, not plastic) and here in a month or so I'll get some Christmas decorations and go all Christmas Nazi. I'm really hoping that doing stuff like that and other festive things like baking will help my winter blues. Let's see... what else... Oh! A few entries back, I think I posted about how I want to decorate my house and such. I had bought a bed set in purple and black and was going to base my room around that. Well... that changed. I found some pretty curtains at Walmart and got spontaneous and bought them. They're red with gold scroll-work. So then I was searching online for a bed set that could match and I found one on Walmart.com for $60. Knowing I couldn't afford it then, I decided that I would keep it on the back burner and buy it when I had the money. But then! I was at Walmart picking up stuff for the cats and I saw the bed set in the clearance bin in my bed size. For $25. I snagged it because that's a steal. It came with a bed skirt, a big warm comforter, two pillow shams, and three plump pillows, including a neck roll (which I just love and needed a new one anyways). So now I need a flannel sheet set (I found one that I can get in ivory or red, but I'll probably go red) and my bedding will be complete. As far as paint and room decorations... those will have to wait. With the holidays here and all, I have next to no spending money. The total cost of gifts this year is going to be ~$400 so all of my extra cash is going to that. But I think that everyone will like their gifts. I'm chipping in to mom and dad a new HDTV. Chipping in to get Heather a camera. Buy Zack (Heather's boy) a handpainted Spiderman rubber ducky. Stephanie is getting my old bed set that I hardly used (it's all dark and gothic-esque, so she should like it. And it was $70!). Jarrett (Steph's boy) is getting a handmade (not by me, sadly) Dalek beanie. Lance is getting a crocheted Weeping Angel for his desk. And Chris is getting his plane ticket here and a baneling/zergling plushie (it can transform) from Blizzcon this year (I have a guildy that's going and I'm paying him to buy it for me). I'm not sure if I'm going to buy anything for myself yet; it all depends on finances. I'm hoping they have some good deals on stuff for Black Friday so maybe I can get myself a few things, like a camera. a new video card, a good memory foam pillow, etc. 

Anyways, that's pretty much all for now. More in a few weeks. Unless something huge happens. Which isn't likely. But I won't count it out.

-peeks out-

You... you guys still here? I mean... I know I was gone a long time... I mean, I haven't been -gone-; I just haven't been -here-. 

OK SO I FORGOT ABOUT YOU GUYS. STOP GIVING ME THAT ACCUSATORY STARE. Gawd... I see the bookmark on my bar everyday and I say "I should blog" and then... I don't.

So, looking back at my last entry... Jeebus, so much has happened. Maybe it's just better if I make a bullet list and go from there.

-No longer working at Walmart and back at Marketlink. Again.
-Am single. Again. 
-Am up in the air about career choices. Again. 
-The situation with Chris and I has evolved. 

So. Walmart and I didn't work out. Obviously. The work in the back room was just way too much on my body. I hurt all over (more than I usually did) and I wasn't getting paid nearly enough to deal with it. On top of that, about two weeks into it, I hurt myself pretty bad. Gave myself an ugly back strain that is still bothering me. So I asked for my job back at Marketlink (and asked if I could be on days and part time) and as soon I got the OK from then, I quit at Walmart. I'm just not meant to work there. So now I'm back at ML doing the 9-3 shift. Which is WAY better than 12:30-9. I still don't like it but it's a job and I'm here for a little while at least.

Single. Yes, as in flying solo. Right before the trip to Louisiana, I confronted some feelings that I had been having about the whole thing and I broke it off with Peter. A) I wasn't ready for a relationship. B) I think he and I made better friends than partners. C) It just didn't feel right. It was hard, being the heart-breaker (when I'm usually on the other end); but in my opinion it's a lot easier than being the heart-broken. He and I haven't really talked since then so I assume that that ship has sailed. 

Career. Ugh. After my job shadowing, I decided that while I love the medical field I just don't think it's what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to help people in another way. I just haven't figured out what that way is. So I'm still working on paying my loans off and when the times comes that I can actually go back to school... I'll figure that out then. Maybe I'll just take a bunch of classes that sound cool. Or maybe by that time my life will have settled down and I'll get to do what I really want - be a mom.

Chris. Well. What started as an email for the purposes of RP has turned into a blossoming friendship again. We're both playing WoW again (we pulled the guild back together, recruited, and are raiding the new content, or trying to at least). We talk on a daily basis about pretty well everything - work, life, moving (he just got a new place in Michigan), everything. It's nice to have my best friend back in some capacity. He's even agreed to accept my Christmas present to him and come out in January for a few days. It's all very exciting and makes me happy. 

Also went to see Nine Inch Nails on Saturday night. I bought the ticket back in June as a birthday present to myself. This is pretty much what I have to say about it:
Pros:
-NIN is FANTASTIC live. Whoever is their lighting and effects designer is a genius. 
-Reznor is still as sexy as ever.
-I made it to AND from the Cities without any issue (because we all know I'm directionally challenged).
-I managed to stay awake the entire drive home (extreme caffeine mocha and the The Producers soundtrack FTW). 

Cons:
-I'm disappointed with NIN's song line up. They played two songs from The Fragile (my favourite album) and they didn't play Closer.
-Someone was smoking weed, a fuckton of it, and I swear I got a contact high.
-That was my last night wearing heels of any sort, as I fell not once, but twice walking from my car to the venue and then almost again once I was inside. As a result I have a twisted ankle, sprained wrist, scuffed up palms and [bruised] knees. I hurt like hell (and still do).
-I bought a seated ticket for a reason. So I could SIT and watch the concert, because I can't stand that long anymore. But everyone else wanted to stand. So I didn't actually -see- half the concert, just heard it. 

And so, my lovelies, that is pretty much all. I promise I will try to update this more. I PROMISE! 

Life, the Universe, and Everything Else...

I'm sure you all have... but have you ever had a moment where you felt like someone was writing your life and they wanted to add some excitement, so they jotted something down and yelled "PLOT TWIST!"? 

And then, from the void, you're suddenly smacked with something completely surprising and you have no idea how to handle it?

Yeah, I've been there. In fact, I'm experiencing another one of life's wonderful plot twists right now, in several ways. It seemed that Tuesday was the proverbial end of a chapter plot twist. First, let's start out with the fact that I haven't had a UTI in... oh probably a year or more. I am quite prone to them but I'm usually pretty good about avoiding them. Not this time though! It has to attack on the very day that I have a job shadowing at the hospital with the surgical techs (more on that in a moment). So not only am I having to pee nonstop, I'l also running a slight fever and in tons of pain. Oh did I mention that I was pissing blood too? Yeah... that just wasn't fun. So I called and made an appointment at the doctor and they gave me antibiotics. Also convinced my [new] doctor to run some preliminary tests to rule out shit and start working on a fibro diagnosis. All of the tests came back good, so I go to see her in a month to check in. When I got the blood tests, though, the tech had a hell of a time finding my veins. One arm she couldn't even find one and the other wouldn't give her any blood! So she took it from a vein on top of my forearm. 

So. The job shadowing. I guess I may have hyped myself up for it too much because when I got there... It just wasn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be. I just... I dunno. So now I'm stuck because this is the thing that I've been saying that I want to do. And now... I'm not so sure. I did get to observe (yes, in the actual operating room) a tibial plateau fracture repair. They basically cut open this lady's leg and took out her old steel plate and replaced it. I got a little woozy towards the end so they sent me to the lounge. Unless you work in the medical field, you would never know how incredibly hard it is to breathe with a surgical mask on. I felt like I was suffocating the whole time. I'm really... not sure how I will handle that. Also, I was incredibly embarrassed when NONE of the female scrubs they had fit me... So then they had to get some from the guys room and the shirt worked but the pants were a tight fit. Because I really needed a reminder of how big I was...

I fly out next Sunday to see Peter for a week. And I'm not sure what's been going on... but he's been very distant from me. And to be fair, I've been distant too. I'm getting nervous as fuck. At first I was nervous that I wasn't going to be what he wanted and be as amazing as he's making me up to be. But I got over that quickly because I am who I am and I like it and that's good enough. No, now the worry is... well... vise versa. That he's not going to be what I'm looking for, what I want. He's really sweet and supportive of me. But sometimes I feel smothered. The sweetness makes me teeter on edge of a diabetic coma. I know I said before I would stop comparing... but there was never a wave of hesitation before I moved out here in 2009. I bought the ticket, packed my bags, and left without a second thought. Maybe it's age. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe it's just nerves. I don't know.

So... The real plot twist of this whole week. Wednesday morning. I'm getting ready to log into work for the day. And then an email pops up. From C. The subject line was "A Fated Assignment". Now... he and I haven't spoke in any great detail since the great falling out. We exchanged a few words here and there, but nothing else. So imagine my confusion and shock to see this email. I click it open and start reading to find it's the beginning of an RP. An RP we had slated to start for a very, very long time. A RP that I yearned and begged for and cried about. 

It was finally here. Right in front of me. A fairly lengthy post too (for reference, you can see some of my response and the plot twist within the plot twist on of my sister blogs, Black Ink and Parchment). I just sat there and reread it probably three or four times. I was in awe. This was completely from left field. So I did what I thought best. And I responded. And this turned into a back and forth swapping of posts via email all day. 

At this point, I'm completely thrown for a loop and I can't figure out for the life of me what prompted this. So today, which I knew was going to be a bad day because A) it's his birthday and we spent the last four years celebrating it together and B) I started my job at Walmart and having everyone know me by and ask after my ex was a strain on my mental state, I check my Facebook before work. And I see a post from him to mom. I looked and I looked again. Last I knew, he had me blocked and as far as either of us were concerned, we didn't exist to each other on Facebook. So curiously, I click on his name, and lo and behold... I can see his profile. He has totally unblocked me. 

Now I'm totally, completely, and thoroughly in a state of shock. 

Why is he doing this? What has prompted him suddenly open the lines of communication with me? Moreso, why the sudden RP (not that I mind at all, nor does Sai, we're both stoked as fuck) and the friendly banter about the plot twist that totally floored Sai and I? 

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE!? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE? I'D LIKE TO BUY A CLUE HERE.

Post Move In Updates

First off, I'm totally jamming to I'm Too Sexy. Also, due to mom, I have to, at some point, need to figure out a way to mash up the songs Kokomo and Electric Avenue.

Anyways, to the point of this post!

Saturday morning came quick. We finished loading up my truck and headed off to Fairmont to pick up some stuff from mom's boss (who is an acquaintance of mine outside of work) for my place; I got a bookcase for my table-top RPG's books and a coffee table that will be painted like an NES controller at some point. Was fun stuff.

Then we were off to my place. Now, I knew that Chris was going to leave the place a mess but I didn't think it would be that bad. So we walk up and I walk through the apartment. And I was appalled. Disgusted doesn't even begin to describe it. It was awful. There were bags of trash stacked in the kitchen, at least a dozen pizza boxes, trash all over the bedroom. So I have a mini meltdown and mom prods me to grab the trash bags and start cleaning it all up. While I'm down on the floor picking up all the trash, I find... wait for it... a pair of the whore's panties. Oh yes, you read that completely right. She left her panties there. Now I don't know about any of you ladies, but panties are expensive, so I try not to just leave them laying all willy nilly. The rage just explodes at this point and I'm yelling and near tears. Mom calms me down and I keep picking up. Once the kids have brought up all my boxes and furniture, mom sends me to the store to buy an AC. Yes, there was one here before and yes, I hadn't planned on having to get a new one since I assumed it would still be here. Well, it was. Except Chris had given it to Lance. So I was off to drop $100 that I really didn't have and get something to eat because the anger and adrenaline and exhaustion was starting to eat at me. I come back, they've moved my bed for me and are starting to unpack for me. After we're done in the bedroom, I take mom home and come back. Stephie invited me over for dinner since the kitchen was, quite literally, unusable. So I took a shower and went to her place. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that the first AC I bought was defective so I had to go exchange it and install a new one. So I eat dinner and chill downstairs for a bit until she asks if I can take her to the store. And then, my truck won't start. The key wouldn't come out of the ignition. So I'm angry and cursing and close to smashing my truck with a hammer. I go upstairs and lay down in bed to watch Scrubs and go to bed. Slept terribly, but whatever.

So then today, I did end up getting the truck fixed (it was apparently just being stubborn) and cleaned the kitchen. Took a solid two hours but it's clean and usable again! Once we have all the trash gone, we'll be set! So mom tells me she's coming into town and asks if I want to ride with her. I go and we're talking about Chris and bitchwhoreface and she says something to the effect of "I wish I had the panties so I can show her why she's not welcome in my life anymore." I pipe up and say that I'll dig through the trash for them if she'd like. She gives me a look and is like "No, don't do that." I'm like o_O Why the look and tone? She gives me the look again and after some convincing she states, "Well, if you did that, then you would find the second pair that we found shoved behind the bed while you were at WalMart."

REALLY?!? SHE IS SO SKANKY AND FELT SUCH A NEED TO GET AT ME THAT SHE LEFT NOT ONE, BUT TWO PAIRS OF PANTIES THERE FOR ME TO FIND!? Good gods and all things sacred, when I said that Chris downgraded when he left me for her, I didn't realize how bad he downgraded until this. What a skanky, slutty, trashy whore. Piece of works, the both of 'em.

But yeah, I'm in my own place now and it's nice. ^_^ -flop- However I feel like I've been hit by a truck from all the moving and stress. Guh.

Errrmahgerd! Errrrrpdertes!

No, not ERP, you pervs... Jeebus, get your mind out the damn gutter.

But seriously, I didn't drop off the face of the Earth, I've just been really busy. Also, be prepared for pictures in this post. Many of them possibly.

First... TATTOO'S! I GOT THEM! And I fucking love them. They didn't even hurt NEARLY as bad as I thought they would! Here they are in all their glory. I have to go get them touched up in August a bit but other than that, perfect!

Uhhhhh what else... Here's an update picture of Snow kitten. It's kinda bad since it was taken with my webcam but a picture nonetheless. He's totally healthy and has bounced back from death like it was nothing. IT WAS MERELY A SETBACK!

Chris and I... Yeah. Well. That ship has fucking sailed. That ship sailed and it sunk harder than the Titanic. It's done, it's over. Completely. 100%. No turning back. I won't go into what happened, because even though it's my blog and I say what I want here, what happened with us shouldn't be floating around the internet for everyone to see. There are a select few that know and they all know not to run their mouths. It is what it is. And while I'm hurt and angry that shit went down like it did, it gave me the ability to instantly get over him. No more hopes, no more what if's. It's done and it's over. After it happened, I happened to be reading a web comic a friend (more on him in a moment) referred me to, and this strip hit very close to home. 

Soo... What else. I took the first step to get back into school and I'm fucking stoked about it. Like, so goddamned stoked. Walking into the mock operating room was just breathtaking. I can't wait. I'm going to be scheduling a day of job shadowing here in the next few weeks so I can actually go to the hospital and scrub in on a surgery (YES I WILL ACTUALLY GET TO SCRUB IN HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!). 

I have a car! Holy cow I finally bought MY OWN CAR! TODAY! IT'S ALL MINE! I will be able to go pick it up within the week, but it's all fucking mine. It's a black Dodge Durango. Super clean, drives beautifully. For $2k it was a steal. And mom and I named her Jaime; she suggested Brienne but I said no because I'm really not fond of that character. 

I have given into the craze of Doctor Who. Finally. And the fandom has CONSUMED MY SOUL. I am so damn in love with that show. -flails- I even did my nails DW themed. I'm in the process of gathering materials to make myself a TARDIS dress as well. And things to do a Rose cosplay. @_@ I know, I'm terribly nerdy.

And last, but certainly not least... I AM OFFICIALLY NOT SINGLE ANYMORE! And the way that he officially asked me was just the cutest too! "Miss Aurora Avalon (No, that's not my actual name, I wish, but I'm not putting my full name out here), would you fancy engaging in the activity of courtship with me?" -squeals and dances about- His name is Peter, we met in an RP community, he lives in Louisiana, he graduated from college as a theatre techie. And he's wonderfully sweet and amazing and totally gets me and adores my nerdiness and socially awkwardness. And I <3 him good. I'm going to see him in the end of August for my birthday and then again sometime in November for his Ren Faire. And then after that we're going to work on a date for him to come up here to meet the family and all that jazz. I always said that things with Chris felt so right... comparatively, this time around it ALL feels right. Everything. He makes me happier than a damn bird with a french fry. He's just... -dreamy sigh- amazing. 

And with that, lovelies, that's all I really have to say. Those are all of my updates! More to come, well, as they come. Oh, and I'm moving out in less than two weeks! Wooooot! 

Frazzled and Frayed

My gods... I am so frazzled I don't even have a metaphor for it. And I'm usually good at those. Let's see here... My date was a disaster (well the aftermath); I know I went over it in my last post but I'm still feeling the affects of pushing myself into dating. I still love Chris way more than is healthy for me; oh and I did mention that he and I are on best-friend level now; except we're best-friends who tip toe on eggshells about each others personal lives. Oh and said best friend is leaving in a month to move to Michigan with bitchwhoreface. I move out next month and I don't have a car and won't have one likely until... the end of August. I'm getting very stir crazy about going to school. I posted an ad for RP, expecting to only get a response or two and ended with with ten or more and I still haven't sorted through them all. My cat, Viani, went missing the night before last and we still can't find her. Because of this, I had to leave work early to help go find her (I could have stayed but I wanted to get some daylight searching and I was way too frazzled to work) and today I'm still uber stressed out to the point where I can't hold my attention to anything. I've tried several books, games on my Kindle, shows on Netflix, my writing mojo took an unexpected vacation so I can't write.

So now that I have a list of things all laid out, I can address them one by one!

My date. Well I touched on that before. I'm just... really upset with myself for shoving me into a situation that I wasn't ready for, and even more so for giving into sexual pressure that I really shouldn't have. I was being silly and impulsive and doing that thing I do when I try to get people to like me. -sigh- I know I know, love will come when I'm ready for it and not a moment before. Patience never was one of my virtues.

Chris... I don't even know where to start with him. He was very supportive of me after my date and helped to calm me down and realize that I was going to be OK. It was then it became unofficially official that we were best friends. So then this thing with Viani happened yesterday. She got out sometime between 1 AM and 6 AM on Wednesday morning. Chris came home and she was gone. No idea what happened. So instead of waiting to tell me when I got off work I was told at my lunch that Viani was missing and I pretty much lost it. I sat through an hour of work until I couldn't take it anymore and left to go help look for her. So I get over there, we look for an hour in the rain with no luck and go back inside. I was sitting on the bed holding my head sobbing when Chris told me to stand up and c'mere. His arms were open and he held me for a good five minutes and just let me cry. We went in and out all night trying to find her with no luck. After my last time trying to find her, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and hugged me for some time, nuzzling my hair and rubbing my arms. So to take my mind off things, Chris started showing me some funny videos and such. We wrestled on the bed, over my flashlight of all things, until he attempted to impale me with said flashlight and left a fair bruise across my boob which looks more like a hickey... So at 10.30 or so, I'm just wiped physically and emotionally. I take my Kindle, kick my shoes off, and go curl into his bed (which was amazing since I haven't slept on a real bed in a month and a comfortable one since February). I apparently ended up falling asleep because he got in bed beside me and nudged me until I woke up. We laid in bed together for a little over an hour just talking about life - his move, my dating things, moving on, etc. I cherish the moments like last night; I hat that it took such a bad event to bring us together...

Moving out. Next month. I'm really excited about it. Everything will be in my name, I will be paying my own bills, decorating my own way. It'll be nice. Except the whole not having a car thing. I'm irritated about that. Chris was going to sell me the Douchecanoe (what we affectionately named our car) but now he needs it so he's taking it with him. I know that I'm going to need $1000 saved before I can even look at cars so it's gonna be a bit. Yay for borrowing cars! -_-;

I am, however, getting my tattoos this weekend. I will post pictures as soon as I can some, which hopefully will be soon since I ordered a new charger for my camera. I also got almost all of my clothes I ordered on ebay. All the pants fit (yay!) and one of the dresses does. The other one doesn't, so I'm going to try and sell it and make some money back on it. Damnable boobs being too big. Oh! Because of this thing with Viani missing, I have pretty much crash coursed how to dowse. At least yes and no answers. I'll have to work on getting a real pendulum at some point to divine with. On that note I'm going to try and buy a new piece of magickal equipment on every check to start rebuilding.

Great Expectations and Realizations

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a very confused person.

Yes, I've said it. I'm totally confused and have no idea what I want, besides Christopher and that's just not possible. I feel a soul searching session/journey/thing coming on.

Where to begin here... Well, I got my first check from Hell; yes that is what we non-affectionately call my place of work. I've made some pretty good commissions lately, which is rockin'. I just need to keep up this pace. Doesn't look like I'll be swapping to days anytime soon. I was really pissed off about it at first but I think I'm a little more OK with it now. I weighed the pros and cons of it and it came out alright.

With my check I am getting my tattoos next week; very excited about that. I also bought a bunch of clothes, several pairs of slacks and jeans, a few dresses, some leggings, a tunic. I also went on a date in Mankato, but more on that in a moment. I'm getting a BFF necklace set for Chris and I. They're really cute, little Pokeballs split down the middle with our initials on them. Early birthday present for him. ^_^

Things with him and I are going well, it seems. He invites me over about once a week or so for various reasons; this week it was to try some awesome Thai food he made. I saw him yesterday as well. We shared a moment, a hug, where I remembered why I was so drawn to him over four years ago. It wasn't just a "Hey what's going on" hug; it was a good hug, the kind that go deeper than skin, that reach down and touch your very being. Before I went over, though, we had a really long talk on Facebook; I was very upset and feeling like an awful person and he did a really great job at talking me down and calming me. He reminded me during our hug that I have to stop doing stupid shit because I'm better than that. We nuzzled noses and he held me while I tried to hold back tears. I'll be really sad to see him go; there will be no more going over to talk and hang out and fight over the radio or get beat over the head for doing dumb shit. I hope to gods he's happy there...

I'll be going to Fairmont next week to visit the college I intend on attending next year. I'm pretty excited about that. I wish I could enroll sooner though. Ugh. Stupid loans...

Alright, now onto the part I know everyone's waiting for. The date with Jeff. We started the night at Olive Garden; I had a super yummy fruity drink called a Venetian Sunset (champagne with pineapple and cherry juices) and portabella raviolis. Very nom. We went to the WOWZone from there and played a few games of bowling. I got my ass handed to me, even with me using bumpers; I'm terrible lol. After that it was still early so we shot over to the movies and saw Now You See Me; very awesome movie, I enjoyed it greatly. And then it was only 9:45, so we just decided to aimlessly drive around Mankato. And then... things got a bit out of hand. I didn't mean for it to happen or even intend for it to happen. But it just kinda... did. No, I didn't have sex with the guy, but yanno... some other things.... -sigh- I'll stop beating around the bush. I gave him a blow job and he fingered me. There, it's out. Granted, I felt really good, not having gotten any since January. But like... Man... on my way home that night (my 45 minute trip turned into nearly 3 hours so I had a lot of time to think) I decided that while he was a very nice guy and treated me like a real lady by holding doors, helping me in and out of the car, and not letting me pay for anything, he just wasn't MY guy. So then I cried when I got home because I felt like a slut. And then the next day I cried some more and I went to my two best friends (Jenna and Chris) and told them and asked for help. And then went to mom about it because there is just no hiding anything from her. I got told pretty much the same thing from everyone - It's OK that it happened. I had a good time and that's all that matters. If I don't want to be "that girl" then don't become her. But that I'm 23, almost 24, and casual sex happens. So it is what it is. I had a meltdown, I cried, I talked and hugged it out, I'm OK now.

However I don't think I'm ready to date yet. I pushed myself into it, thinking that it would help me get over Christopher faster but it didn't. I've got to stop comparing every man to Chris and hoping to find what he and I had; he told me that I will never have that again because every relationship is different but I will find something that is better for me. I've done a lot of growing but this experience proved to me that I still have a very long ways to go.

La-la-la

Before I go into anything else... WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN OBSESSIVELY READING MY BLOG!? For serious, I had nearly 30 one day this week. 30 views, in a single day. I appreciate you taking the time to read about my rants and raves and such, but like.... o_O leave a comment or something. I like feedback. ^_^

I'm going to lead off this post with a quote from one of my favourite shows because it really sums a lot of things up and speaks a great deal of wisdom.

"But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way."

Yes, this means there was another meltdown a few nights ago. Not quite as bad as the last one but a meltdown nonetheless. I'm not even sure where I should begin with it.

I guess I can start with the fact that I have a date on Saturday night. Calm yo' tits, people, it's not serious. We're just going to dinner and bowling/mini-golf. But it is a date, none the less. I am excited, don't get me wrong. But I'm scared. And nervous. I'm terrified, honestly. I haven't went on a date with someone I wasn't exclusive with in five years. That's a really long time. But I'm really nervous about this whole dating this in general. While Chris was a dick, he and I clicked and fit together like puzzle pieces. He understood me in every way. I'm scared that I won't find someone who can do that, who can understand my fucked up past, my family situation, my religious and spiritual views, etc. I'm going to hold every man that I date up to such a high standard that it's going to be ridiculous. Not only that but I'm super self-conscious about my tooth issue.

I made it through my first week of work. I remember now why I hated this job... lol. But I did well and made a handful of sales. We're working on getting me swapped over to day shift. Hopefully this week or next I'll be moved over. ^_^ And then I'll actually have an evening to do stuff instead of getting off work, having two free hours, then going to bed.

I went and saw Chris yesterday. I was going to pick up Stephanie from work and Chris had mentioned he was hurt so I went and took him my wrap to wrap up his arm. He was hungry and I had some free time so I took him to go get dinner. While we were in the car and he was debating on what he wanted to eat, Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" came on. Now I hate this song with a passion. And Chris knows it. He used to play this song just to get at me. So as soon as it comes on, I reach over and turn it off. He looks to me and grins, changing it back. I switch it. He switches it. It got to the point where both of us had one hand on the radio and one hand swatting at the other to not change the station. We were laughing playing and having a really good time, for the few seconds it lasted. It was a bittersweet moment for me. It felt really great because it felt like we were friends again doing silly stuff like fighting over the radio. But at the same time it hurt because there was a brief moment, a split second where he grabbed my hand and I looked at him and I just wanted to lean over and kiss him. But I pushed the feeling away and let it pass. I told him a few nights ago that I missed him. A lot. I told him that I felt like [if you don't watch Grey's Anatomy you won't understand the reference here] Addison while he was Derek and Sarah was Meredith. In the end no matter how hard Addison and Derek tried to make it work, Meredith got him. I told him I was going on a date and that I was scared because I would always compare people to him. He didn't really have much to say, not because he was being cold but because there really isn't much to say in that situation. All he said was "I'm not sure if you want an answer here so I'll just go with... "Noted" for now. You will find someone and all will be well eventually." Right after that, he updated his status to "Ugh." Mom said that me doing that was good and that it's making him doubt things with Sarah. I can only hope he acts on his doubts before it's too late...

Snow is doing well. He's up and running and playing and eating like a piglet these days. It's ridiculous that he was dead just a week ago and now it's like it never happened. Miracles, man... They happen. And it's amazing.

I wish next fall would get here so that I could start school. I dunno why, it may be rewatching Grey's Anatomy, but I'm getting all stir-crazy and antsy to go.

I think that's really all for now.. Will update more when available!

Murphy is Testing Me...

...and he should really quit it. I'm getting tired of his shit.

Man oh man, was yesterday an olympic test of my emotions...? Well, my everything really.

I first awoke to Snow. Dead. Yes, dead. As in no breathing, no heartbeat, dead. As I proceeded to freak the fuck out and scream like a banshee, mom rushed in and grabbed him and started to try to revive him. I called into work and kept crying and freaking out. Mom got him just barely breathing and we rushed into town to take him to the vet. He was in really bad shape; totally stiff and cold. The vet gave him a shot of penicillin and glucose, told us to keep him very warm and try to feed him, but that he was very skeptical that Snow would pull through. I ended up starting work at noon, keeping Snow's basket beside me. Over the hours he progressively got better and was moving. eating, meowing, jumping, and biting. He's not totally out of the woods yet but he's made a pretty miraculous recovery. We took him in again today for the vet to check up on him and see what all his sneezing and wheezing was. He has a minor sinus infection so we're giving him medicine every day for two weeks and it should clear up. On the drive home today, though, we stopped and got lunch. And apparently Snow REALLY likes bacon cheeseburgers because he dived head first into mine and started nomming away; it was very cute as by the end of it he was covered in BBQ sauce and cheese.

I finished my last day of training yesterday as well.I'm nervous about going live on the phones but my training coach assured me that I was doing better than fine. I'm really hoping that I can get swapped over to the day shift because the 12.30 to 9 shift is just... ick.

So after mom and I, along with Stephanie's boyfriend, went to pick up furniture for their apartment and some awesome comfy recliners for my pace once I move in. It was all well and good until it started to rain. Hard. And really cold. So after moving a very heavy bed, we picked up the other stuff and took it to the house. On my way out from one of the trips I slid on the wet stairs and came crashing down, spraining my wrist. I'm so tired of slipping and sliding and falling. I swear I do it once a month; it's ridiculous.

So we get home, check on and feed Snow, eat our own dinner, and sit down to relax. Mom goes to check her Facebook. Now let's rewind about 24 hours - mom realizes that Sarah unfriended her on Facebook. It wasn't a huge, there were no fucks given and I just kinda laughed. So back to last night. Mom gets a VERY long message from Sarah on Facebook, basically stating that as long as I was around she wasn't going to establish a relationship with mom and that would mean that when she and Chris got married and had a baby (oh yes, I did laugh very hard) there may be consequences. Mom proceeded to tear into her with a message probably five times longer (it took her nearly two hours to compose it). The whole situation has been a point of conversation since it all happened. I'm curious to see where this goes, to see how Chris reacts, what Sarah does, and pretty much how it all plays out. -shakes head- This girl... she's a fucking hot mess and obviously had MUCH different expectations going into this. We still remain steady in our thoughts that this has to do with her getting back at me. She's trying to take everything near and dear to me; she's got one out of three. She ain't touching the other two. I don't give a flying fuck if "we can bet that she's not going anywhere". Whatever, bitch. Get the fuck over yourself. You're not the hot shit that you think you are. And please, be afraid and frightened and threatened by me. It just makes me giggle are you silly notions that somehow you think that you will ruin me and be my downfall. Guess what, honey? That's a far cry from what you're doing. You may have taken the man that I love, but all you're doing is giving me the motivation, strength, and fertilizer to help me grow into the woman that you think you are but will never become.

Falling

How is is that I can go from being OK to sitting here in tears within a matter of hours, even minutes? I just want to stop crying about him. I want to stop feeling. I want to just be numb. Not forever... but until this doesn't hurt anymore. What more do I possibly have to learn from this catastrophe? He left me, he moved on to the bitch, he's moving away. I'm moved away and moved back. I'm finding myself and fixing my co-dependency issues.

WHY THE FLYING FUCK DOES IT STILL HAVE TO HURT SO GODDAMN BAD!?

After a long day of training for my new job, I just wanted to go and kill shit on LotRO. I go to join a skirmish and I died half a dozen times (that is not an exaggeration). I just got so tired of dying I said fuck it and left. Chris was always there to reassure me that I'm not a shitty player and that I *can* do it and/or he would come and help me. Hell, this toon was leveled with his until 55. Playing her and remembering the RP behind her and his characters makes this harder.

My leg is in so much pain it hurts to do anything. Literally, anything. Stand, sit, lay, walk. Nothing I do is making it better.

I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to love him. Or think about him. Or dream about him. Or anything else regarding him. I want it all to stop. But I do do all those things. I do miss him and love him and thing and dream of him. I do want him back. I do want him to see the awesome person that I'm becoming and I do want to share everything with him.

But he's with her and that's just not possible. Not now, not ever. I don't even think he still loves me or even thinks of me anymore. He said we could be friends again... but I don't foresee that happening. I'm trying so hard to make it work but it just seems like he doesn't care.

It just hurts...

Bitch done fucked up...

Ayup. That she did. Silly bitch, refusing to reach out and try to get to know and be part of the family just because I'm here. That shit will fly for a little while, but not forever. 'Cause guess what? I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE ME. 

I know that I gave Chris the option before the bow out of our friendship if it's causing a conflict with them, but I don't actually want him to; I was just trying to be mature and put it out there. He didn't take it and said that we were fine. I'm not sure if that has changed or is going to, but I really hope not. 

-shakes head- Not even been a month and she's already fucked up pretty big. It's the beginning of the end. -grabs snacks- Would you care to join me in watching this soap opera?

Home Sweet Home

Where to start... 

I'm home, obviously. We got in late Saturday night. Long drive was long (longer even because someone got us temporarily lost lol), but we made it. 

I wish I would have been awake enough to make this post last night when I was thinking about everything. @_@ Oh well. Sunday was spent setting up the garden with the family, generally spending time together, and then mom and I went into town to get her Mother's Day present from Chris. He invited me in until mom got done with all her errands she needed to do. I was very apprehensive about it and double checked to make sure it was OK with him (I know, HE invited me, of course he's OK with it) but I spent about 45 minutes there, playing with the cats. We talked, kinda, and he showed me silly videos and stuff on YouTube and a new game I'm going to check out. I was alright. Granted there was some tension and awkward silence floating around but it was to be expected. It was great to see my girls again and to know that they remember me. I can't wait to have them back for good.

I went in to town for most of the day yesterday and did all that errand running stuff. Opened up my own bank accounts; going to the bank was bittersweet. I was greeted by first name (like always) by everyone and they were all "Oh my, you're back! Welcome home! How are you, where did you go, how are things going?" And then the words that hit me like a ton of bricks and made me use all my willpower to plaster on a smile - "So since you're back you and Chris are getting back together then!" -sigh- No... Not quite. I was a trooper about it though. 
I went to the doctor yesterday as well about my leg. I'm off the Neurontin and he gave me Lidocaine (sp?) patches to put on and see if they help. I have to go back in a month and update him and if they don't work we're trying a new medication that will help with my pain, my depression, and my sleep problems (well, the ones that make it hard to fall and stay asleep). On that note, I'm am totally off my Prozac now. Yay! Also, apparently I haven't -lost- any weight... I must have lost it and gained muscle because I KNOW I'm smaller than I was before; not by much but I can fit into clothes I couldn't before.
Went job hunting and all that fun stuff yesterday. Really hoping I get a callback this week about something. Anything right about now. Marketlink would be preferable but like I said I would take anything.

And then... I went and spent the afternoon with Chris and the cats. It was going pretty well, actually. He had me pull up a chair to his desk (which I found out he's leaving me) and he showed me the amazingness of Guild Wars 2. I HAVE to buy this game when I get the money. The ability to dye armor whenever you damn well please and the color palette are just astounding. I was very impressed with that. Things were going pretty good. And then.. he swapped over to Facebook and had this long message from Sarah. I wasn't TRYING to read it but I mean, I was close enough to the screen where I could make out words and such before I realized who it was and that I shouldn't be reading it so I buried my nose in my Kindle. And when I looked up to see if they were done, she asked him to call. And he did. I stepped out of the room and went and sat in the bathroom (I always did do most of my crying in there; it was a familiar setting). And even there I couldn't take it. I poked my head in his room and told him I was going outside for a bit (I hope the bitch heard me and knew I was there) and went down to the landing and cried. I really thought that I could handle this. I've been telling myself for a month now that I could handle it, that while I hated her guts (since I know WAY more about all of this than I should) that I could handle them being together. But I couldn't. I cried so hard outside and my make-up was smeared all to hell. He came down when he got done and told me he was ready to go to the store (I told him earlier on that I would take him to get some groceries) so I went back upstairs to get my purse and try to dry my eyes in the bathroom and clean the makeup away. We went to the store and I put up my bubble hoping to block him out and I seemed to be doing a good job. And then as we were shopping and he looked over at me he noticed my puffy, red eyes and smeared makeup. I knew he knew what was wrong but he insisted on asking anyways. I told him we could talk about it at his place, not at the store. So while he did dishes (man, I wish I could have had a camera for that) he dragged it out of me. I told him I was ready to be his friend without Sarah in the picture and the minute he started talking to her earlier that I lost it and realized I couldn't handle things. Not much he can do though... I can't just ask him to not talk to her when I'm there because that's not very fair and mature. We talked a little bit about that kind of stuff; he asked me to do a favor and not fall for one of the dumb as rocks farm fucks from Minnesota because I can do so much better than that and that I need better than that. I kinda laughed about it (since mom is passively trying to play matchmaker right now with others). I knew that I should have left after the store... But I was pushing my limits and trying to... what's the word I'm looking for... temper myself? I stayed until almost seven; we talked about games and movies and TV shows and such things. And then I went home. I had calmed down enough to where I wasn't a complete mess when I got there but it had all thoroughly exhausted me. 
On the note of Chris... it's kinda strange being home again only without him. I have SO many memories in this area - taking walks around Frost late at night and playing at the park here, having lunch at Double Play, D&D nights, seeing the cemetery and the little drive-way behind it on the drive from Frost to Blue Earth and remembering the times when we had stopped on the way home late at night and... well... you get the picture there. It's gonna take a lot of time to put those memories in a box.

I finally watched The Hobbit last night (or rather, watched some of it) before I was too tired to keep my eyes open; gonna finish it sometime today. 

Before I go, I'm going to mention that being in heels for two days is a killer on your body. I am SO sore from it. @_@ 

And then, sometimes, shit just hits the fan...

... and the only option you're left with is to leave the shit behind and move on.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

OK, not really. In a short, condensed roundabout way it does. There's really a lot more to this than I'm letting on, than I have been letting on for some time now. I'm not going to go into major details here; if you want the scoop please contact me privately and I'll fill you in. Otherwise, what I say will have to do.

I am moving back to Minnesota. Yes, I know I already told you guys. However it's been moved up... Like two days from now. Yup, Minnesota-bound Saturday night via mom's rescue service. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally stoked to be going home. However the circumstances at which this is happening are less than fortunate.

Living with friends is probably the worst mistake anyone can ever make in the book of friendship. Ayup, learned this the hard way not once but twice now. Third time will not be a charm because there will be no third time. Things between Laura and I pretty much took a crazy-fast downward spiral which ended in her saying "You need to leave and go home." Things have been tense between her and I for a while now. And then this week, there was a fight between her and mom. I took mom's side because Laura was wrong in her assumptions about what was going on (which made me question her conscious and character). And that was essentially the straw that broke the camels back. 

So now I sit in my room surrounded by boxes. I'm glad that I didn't have much packing to do like I did in Minnesota; most of my stuff here hadn't been unpacked so it's been a fairly simple task. However, with these recent developments, I have lost some things. It's like the saying goes: Two steps forward, one step back.

I no longer have a car. They refuse to let me take it and keep making payments on it (because apparently I'm the most untrustworthy person on the planet). What's worse, they refuse to give me back the money I had already paid on it, stating I owed it to them for coming and getting me in the first place (even though I was told when I got here that it was OK, that they covered it, and I didn't need to worry about it). So I essentially flushed $200 down the drain because she's too much of a bitch to do the right, moral thing here and just give me back the money. So now I'm without wheels and down a lot of money. Whatever, I'll talk to Chris and see if I can get the car we shared when he leaves. I also may or may not be losing my phone (that I've dropped a fuckton on already). We'll see... 

I know, I pick the best ones.

I'll be living with mom until the start of September when Chris goes to Detroit. Not optimal (since I feel awful for imposing on them AGAIN) but I'll be home. Chris will be allowing me "visitation rights" so to speak to the girls in the time where he still has them; I'm really very glad he's going to let me see them and such; I'm even hoping that he'll come by and see Snow too. Since this was all such short notice I haven't applied for any jobs. I'll do that today/tomorrow and hope to have something lined up within a few weeks. Thank the gods I have a full check coming in tonight and a partial one in two weeks to tide me over. Fuck man, if I would have known this was going to happen I would have just apped for the CNA course at St. Luke's next month... -shakes head- No use in regretting things we didn't do because we can't read the future. 

As for things with Laura, yeah that friendship has ended. The ship sailed and has sunk like the Titanic. I will tolerate communication with her via email/text for as long as I have to but other than that, all my ties with her are cut. She's been taken off every social list of mine I can possibly think of because it's obvious that neither of us are the same people we were two years ago when we became friends. I grew up, regained my independence and my backbone, and remembered who I was. She... let's just say turned out to be someone I didn't think she was. It's funny... I can't believe she doesn't trust me to even be in her home with safeguarding her belongings. Last night I went to collect my things from the living room (and as a stickler for detail) noticed that she had taken her D&D books and her entire Sailor Moon DVD collection out of there and presumably to her room. Dude, I don't like Sailor Moon -that- much and I don't want your damn D&D books. I have a whole collection that vastly outnumbers your measly two core-books at home that has been offered to me. Silly tart...

So I get to go into work today and tell them I quit. I feel bad not giving them proper notice but life happens, ya dig? Not much I can do about it except tell them I'll work today and tomorrow and that I'm sorry. =/ Hell I'm more upset about that than I am anything else in all of this. Hopefully I'll still be able to wrangle a good reference out of them, if I decide to use them.

And that's pretty much it. I should probably start getting ready for work and whatnot. Not that it takes me very long but it's not like I have much else to do; my desktop is surrounded by boxes and I can't get to it without moving everything (which will be tomorrow night when I force myself to stay up all night long so I can sleep Saturday and drive through the night).

Dream Believe Achieve

Those will be the words of my next tattoo. I'm just since it's just words it won't be too much (unlike my lily and caduceus). It will be on the inside of my right wrist in some type of pretty script. 

Depression. It sucks. A lot. It seems to be plaguing me something terrible. Something along the lines of the fourth (and longest) stage of grief. I'm so incredibly tired all the time and my interest to do anything except veg out is nonexistent. I've been trying to force myself to do things - write, occasionally play games, etc.

I'm losing weight! Woot! My rings are fitting looser and a pair of jeans I couldn't hardly wear three months ago fit me and they're even loose in the thighs. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless!

I had an interview this morning for a night time job to supplement my first one. The interview went really well. However then I got a call about an hour later saying they couldn't use me because they needed someone full-time not part time. -_-;; Even though when we spoke on the phone to arrange the interview it was made clear I wanted part time AND my application said that too. -shakes head- I was really hoping to get it to help with my money situation but I'll deal. There was a reason it didn't happen.

I received some bad news about my grandmother in Florida this week. She was in a coma and couldn't breathe on her own. She is still on a ventilator but she's conscious and alert. We're taking it a day at a time right now and just holding our breaths until the doctors can give us more news. If things get bad, I'll be making an impromptu, brief trip to Florida. I hope it doesn't came to that though. =/

Still working on Courting the Rose and stuff for the forums. I added another new character - Skylar Jadyn (who was formerly Jaqualyn Cherloc). I wish more people would participate! Mom and I are the only ones who have made story posts. :( 

And of course, the topic that I touch on nearly every post - Chris. Things are still weird with him. We're still talking often through Facebook. I decided to man up and be mature the other day and sent him this message:

We told each other three months ago that when we were ready, we would do the friend thing again. I'm not sure about you, but I know I've done an enormous amount of growth in those three months and while there are still a lot that hurts, I'm getting there and I'd like for us to be friends.
However, I am well aware that your woman is not in the least bit fond of me. I want you to be happy and I don't want to cause trouble. If once you move there and she doesn't want you talking to me... I can understand that. Doesn't mean that I'll like it, but I can understand.
He responded to me with this:

Sarah has been reasonably understanding of our talking, and while she doesn't prefer it she doesn't feel the need to stomp her foot on it. I'm willing, but not there yet. Your little out burst to Nathan, no matter how upset you were, was very painful to me. I'm just not ready to have you completely involved in everything. I think we're good where we are for the time being, and if things keep going like they have been we can look into becoming friends beyond the random FB banter again. I've already forgiven you Tina. The problem is in my willingness to include you in anything else. I'll get over it, given some time.

So yeah... =/ Looks like I fucked up big time when I sent that damned vengeful message to Sarah's brother. He did, however, tell me that he could see my growth from the distance he's at and was very proud of me for it all. He sent me a gif yesterday of a sloth yawning with its tongue out (I sometimes yawn like this). It made me smile but it makes me wonder how/why he remembers little things like that and acknowledges them. Also... I just thought that I would included these photos. Just... because. They made my day.