Murphy is Testing Me...

...and he should really quit it. I'm getting tired of his shit.

Man oh man, was yesterday an olympic test of my emotions...? Well, my everything really.

I first awoke to Snow. Dead. Yes, dead. As in no breathing, no heartbeat, dead. As I proceeded to freak the fuck out and scream like a banshee, mom rushed in and grabbed him and started to try to revive him. I called into work and kept crying and freaking out. Mom got him just barely breathing and we rushed into town to take him to the vet. He was in really bad shape; totally stiff and cold. The vet gave him a shot of penicillin and glucose, told us to keep him very warm and try to feed him, but that he was very skeptical that Snow would pull through. I ended up starting work at noon, keeping Snow's basket beside me. Over the hours he progressively got better and was moving. eating, meowing, jumping, and biting. He's not totally out of the woods yet but he's made a pretty miraculous recovery. We took him in again today for the vet to check up on him and see what all his sneezing and wheezing was. He has a minor sinus infection so we're giving him medicine every day for two weeks and it should clear up. On the drive home today, though, we stopped and got lunch. And apparently Snow REALLY likes bacon cheeseburgers because he dived head first into mine and started nomming away; it was very cute as by the end of it he was covered in BBQ sauce and cheese.

I finished my last day of training yesterday as well.I'm nervous about going live on the phones but my training coach assured me that I was doing better than fine. I'm really hoping that I can get swapped over to the day shift because the 12.30 to 9 shift is just... ick.

So after mom and I, along with Stephanie's boyfriend, went to pick up furniture for their apartment and some awesome comfy recliners for my pace once I move in. It was all well and good until it started to rain. Hard. And really cold. So after moving a very heavy bed, we picked up the other stuff and took it to the house. On my way out from one of the trips I slid on the wet stairs and came crashing down, spraining my wrist. I'm so tired of slipping and sliding and falling. I swear I do it once a month; it's ridiculous.

So we get home, check on and feed Snow, eat our own dinner, and sit down to relax. Mom goes to check her Facebook. Now let's rewind about 24 hours - mom realizes that Sarah unfriended her on Facebook. It wasn't a huge, there were no fucks given and I just kinda laughed. So back to last night. Mom gets a VERY long message from Sarah on Facebook, basically stating that as long as I was around she wasn't going to establish a relationship with mom and that would mean that when she and Chris got married and had a baby (oh yes, I did laugh very hard) there may be consequences. Mom proceeded to tear into her with a message probably five times longer (it took her nearly two hours to compose it). The whole situation has been a point of conversation since it all happened. I'm curious to see where this goes, to see how Chris reacts, what Sarah does, and pretty much how it all plays out. -shakes head- This girl... she's a fucking hot mess and obviously had MUCH different expectations going into this. We still remain steady in our thoughts that this has to do with her getting back at me. She's trying to take everything near and dear to me; she's got one out of three. She ain't touching the other two. I don't give a flying fuck if "we can bet that she's not going anywhere". Whatever, bitch. Get the fuck over yourself. You're not the hot shit that you think you are. And please, be afraid and frightened and threatened by me. It just makes me giggle are you silly notions that somehow you think that you will ruin me and be my downfall. Guess what, honey? That's a far cry from what you're doing. You may have taken the man that I love, but all you're doing is giving me the motivation, strength, and fertilizer to help me grow into the woman that you think you are but will never become.

Falling

How is is that I can go from being OK to sitting here in tears within a matter of hours, even minutes? I just want to stop crying about him. I want to stop feeling. I want to just be numb. Not forever... but until this doesn't hurt anymore. What more do I possibly have to learn from this catastrophe? He left me, he moved on to the bitch, he's moving away. I'm moved away and moved back. I'm finding myself and fixing my co-dependency issues.

WHY THE FLYING FUCK DOES IT STILL HAVE TO HURT SO GODDAMN BAD!?

After a long day of training for my new job, I just wanted to go and kill shit on LotRO. I go to join a skirmish and I died half a dozen times (that is not an exaggeration). I just got so tired of dying I said fuck it and left. Chris was always there to reassure me that I'm not a shitty player and that I *can* do it and/or he would come and help me. Hell, this toon was leveled with his until 55. Playing her and remembering the RP behind her and his characters makes this harder.

My leg is in so much pain it hurts to do anything. Literally, anything. Stand, sit, lay, walk. Nothing I do is making it better.

I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to love him. Or think about him. Or dream about him. Or anything else regarding him. I want it all to stop. But I do do all those things. I do miss him and love him and thing and dream of him. I do want him back. I do want him to see the awesome person that I'm becoming and I do want to share everything with him.

But he's with her and that's just not possible. Not now, not ever. I don't even think he still loves me or even thinks of me anymore. He said we could be friends again... but I don't foresee that happening. I'm trying so hard to make it work but it just seems like he doesn't care.

It just hurts...

Bitch done fucked up...

Ayup. That she did. Silly bitch, refusing to reach out and try to get to know and be part of the family just because I'm here. That shit will fly for a little while, but not forever. 'Cause guess what? I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE ME. 

I know that I gave Chris the option before the bow out of our friendship if it's causing a conflict with them, but I don't actually want him to; I was just trying to be mature and put it out there. He didn't take it and said that we were fine. I'm not sure if that has changed or is going to, but I really hope not. 

-shakes head- Not even been a month and she's already fucked up pretty big. It's the beginning of the end. -grabs snacks- Would you care to join me in watching this soap opera?

Home Sweet Home

Where to start... 

I'm home, obviously. We got in late Saturday night. Long drive was long (longer even because someone got us temporarily lost lol), but we made it. 

I wish I would have been awake enough to make this post last night when I was thinking about everything. @_@ Oh well. Sunday was spent setting up the garden with the family, generally spending time together, and then mom and I went into town to get her Mother's Day present from Chris. He invited me in until mom got done with all her errands she needed to do. I was very apprehensive about it and double checked to make sure it was OK with him (I know, HE invited me, of course he's OK with it) but I spent about 45 minutes there, playing with the cats. We talked, kinda, and he showed me silly videos and stuff on YouTube and a new game I'm going to check out. I was alright. Granted there was some tension and awkward silence floating around but it was to be expected. It was great to see my girls again and to know that they remember me. I can't wait to have them back for good.

I went in to town for most of the day yesterday and did all that errand running stuff. Opened up my own bank accounts; going to the bank was bittersweet. I was greeted by first name (like always) by everyone and they were all "Oh my, you're back! Welcome home! How are you, where did you go, how are things going?" And then the words that hit me like a ton of bricks and made me use all my willpower to plaster on a smile - "So since you're back you and Chris are getting back together then!" -sigh- No... Not quite. I was a trooper about it though. 
I went to the doctor yesterday as well about my leg. I'm off the Neurontin and he gave me Lidocaine (sp?) patches to put on and see if they help. I have to go back in a month and update him and if they don't work we're trying a new medication that will help with my pain, my depression, and my sleep problems (well, the ones that make it hard to fall and stay asleep). On that note, I'm am totally off my Prozac now. Yay! Also, apparently I haven't -lost- any weight... I must have lost it and gained muscle because I KNOW I'm smaller than I was before; not by much but I can fit into clothes I couldn't before.
Went job hunting and all that fun stuff yesterday. Really hoping I get a callback this week about something. Anything right about now. Marketlink would be preferable but like I said I would take anything.

And then... I went and spent the afternoon with Chris and the cats. It was going pretty well, actually. He had me pull up a chair to his desk (which I found out he's leaving me) and he showed me the amazingness of Guild Wars 2. I HAVE to buy this game when I get the money. The ability to dye armor whenever you damn well please and the color palette are just astounding. I was very impressed with that. Things were going pretty good. And then.. he swapped over to Facebook and had this long message from Sarah. I wasn't TRYING to read it but I mean, I was close enough to the screen where I could make out words and such before I realized who it was and that I shouldn't be reading it so I buried my nose in my Kindle. And when I looked up to see if they were done, she asked him to call. And he did. I stepped out of the room and went and sat in the bathroom (I always did do most of my crying in there; it was a familiar setting). And even there I couldn't take it. I poked my head in his room and told him I was going outside for a bit (I hope the bitch heard me and knew I was there) and went down to the landing and cried. I really thought that I could handle this. I've been telling myself for a month now that I could handle it, that while I hated her guts (since I know WAY more about all of this than I should) that I could handle them being together. But I couldn't. I cried so hard outside and my make-up was smeared all to hell. He came down when he got done and told me he was ready to go to the store (I told him earlier on that I would take him to get some groceries) so I went back upstairs to get my purse and try to dry my eyes in the bathroom and clean the makeup away. We went to the store and I put up my bubble hoping to block him out and I seemed to be doing a good job. And then as we were shopping and he looked over at me he noticed my puffy, red eyes and smeared makeup. I knew he knew what was wrong but he insisted on asking anyways. I told him we could talk about it at his place, not at the store. So while he did dishes (man, I wish I could have had a camera for that) he dragged it out of me. I told him I was ready to be his friend without Sarah in the picture and the minute he started talking to her earlier that I lost it and realized I couldn't handle things. Not much he can do though... I can't just ask him to not talk to her when I'm there because that's not very fair and mature. We talked a little bit about that kind of stuff; he asked me to do a favor and not fall for one of the dumb as rocks farm fucks from Minnesota because I can do so much better than that and that I need better than that. I kinda laughed about it (since mom is passively trying to play matchmaker right now with others). I knew that I should have left after the store... But I was pushing my limits and trying to... what's the word I'm looking for... temper myself? I stayed until almost seven; we talked about games and movies and TV shows and such things. And then I went home. I had calmed down enough to where I wasn't a complete mess when I got there but it had all thoroughly exhausted me. 
On the note of Chris... it's kinda strange being home again only without him. I have SO many memories in this area - taking walks around Frost late at night and playing at the park here, having lunch at Double Play, D&D nights, seeing the cemetery and the little drive-way behind it on the drive from Frost to Blue Earth and remembering the times when we had stopped on the way home late at night and... well... you get the picture there. It's gonna take a lot of time to put those memories in a box.

I finally watched The Hobbit last night (or rather, watched some of it) before I was too tired to keep my eyes open; gonna finish it sometime today. 

Before I go, I'm going to mention that being in heels for two days is a killer on your body. I am SO sore from it. @_@ 

And then, sometimes, shit just hits the fan...

... and the only option you're left with is to leave the shit behind and move on.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

OK, not really. In a short, condensed roundabout way it does. There's really a lot more to this than I'm letting on, than I have been letting on for some time now. I'm not going to go into major details here; if you want the scoop please contact me privately and I'll fill you in. Otherwise, what I say will have to do.

I am moving back to Minnesota. Yes, I know I already told you guys. However it's been moved up... Like two days from now. Yup, Minnesota-bound Saturday night via mom's rescue service. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally stoked to be going home. However the circumstances at which this is happening are less than fortunate.

Living with friends is probably the worst mistake anyone can ever make in the book of friendship. Ayup, learned this the hard way not once but twice now. Third time will not be a charm because there will be no third time. Things between Laura and I pretty much took a crazy-fast downward spiral which ended in her saying "You need to leave and go home." Things have been tense between her and I for a while now. And then this week, there was a fight between her and mom. I took mom's side because Laura was wrong in her assumptions about what was going on (which made me question her conscious and character). And that was essentially the straw that broke the camels back. 

So now I sit in my room surrounded by boxes. I'm glad that I didn't have much packing to do like I did in Minnesota; most of my stuff here hadn't been unpacked so it's been a fairly simple task. However, with these recent developments, I have lost some things. It's like the saying goes: Two steps forward, one step back.

I no longer have a car. They refuse to let me take it and keep making payments on it (because apparently I'm the most untrustworthy person on the planet). What's worse, they refuse to give me back the money I had already paid on it, stating I owed it to them for coming and getting me in the first place (even though I was told when I got here that it was OK, that they covered it, and I didn't need to worry about it). So I essentially flushed $200 down the drain because she's too much of a bitch to do the right, moral thing here and just give me back the money. So now I'm without wheels and down a lot of money. Whatever, I'll talk to Chris and see if I can get the car we shared when he leaves. I also may or may not be losing my phone (that I've dropped a fuckton on already). We'll see... 

I know, I pick the best ones.

I'll be living with mom until the start of September when Chris goes to Detroit. Not optimal (since I feel awful for imposing on them AGAIN) but I'll be home. Chris will be allowing me "visitation rights" so to speak to the girls in the time where he still has them; I'm really very glad he's going to let me see them and such; I'm even hoping that he'll come by and see Snow too. Since this was all such short notice I haven't applied for any jobs. I'll do that today/tomorrow and hope to have something lined up within a few weeks. Thank the gods I have a full check coming in tonight and a partial one in two weeks to tide me over. Fuck man, if I would have known this was going to happen I would have just apped for the CNA course at St. Luke's next month... -shakes head- No use in regretting things we didn't do because we can't read the future. 

As for things with Laura, yeah that friendship has ended. The ship sailed and has sunk like the Titanic. I will tolerate communication with her via email/text for as long as I have to but other than that, all my ties with her are cut. She's been taken off every social list of mine I can possibly think of because it's obvious that neither of us are the same people we were two years ago when we became friends. I grew up, regained my independence and my backbone, and remembered who I was. She... let's just say turned out to be someone I didn't think she was. It's funny... I can't believe she doesn't trust me to even be in her home with safeguarding her belongings. Last night I went to collect my things from the living room (and as a stickler for detail) noticed that she had taken her D&D books and her entire Sailor Moon DVD collection out of there and presumably to her room. Dude, I don't like Sailor Moon -that- much and I don't want your damn D&D books. I have a whole collection that vastly outnumbers your measly two core-books at home that has been offered to me. Silly tart...

So I get to go into work today and tell them I quit. I feel bad not giving them proper notice but life happens, ya dig? Not much I can do about it except tell them I'll work today and tomorrow and that I'm sorry. =/ Hell I'm more upset about that than I am anything else in all of this. Hopefully I'll still be able to wrangle a good reference out of them, if I decide to use them.

And that's pretty much it. I should probably start getting ready for work and whatnot. Not that it takes me very long but it's not like I have much else to do; my desktop is surrounded by boxes and I can't get to it without moving everything (which will be tomorrow night when I force myself to stay up all night long so I can sleep Saturday and drive through the night).

Dream Believe Achieve

Those will be the words of my next tattoo. I'm just since it's just words it won't be too much (unlike my lily and caduceus). It will be on the inside of my right wrist in some type of pretty script. 

Depression. It sucks. A lot. It seems to be plaguing me something terrible. Something along the lines of the fourth (and longest) stage of grief. I'm so incredibly tired all the time and my interest to do anything except veg out is nonexistent. I've been trying to force myself to do things - write, occasionally play games, etc.

I'm losing weight! Woot! My rings are fitting looser and a pair of jeans I couldn't hardly wear three months ago fit me and they're even loose in the thighs. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless!

I had an interview this morning for a night time job to supplement my first one. The interview went really well. However then I got a call about an hour later saying they couldn't use me because they needed someone full-time not part time. -_-;; Even though when we spoke on the phone to arrange the interview it was made clear I wanted part time AND my application said that too. -shakes head- I was really hoping to get it to help with my money situation but I'll deal. There was a reason it didn't happen.

I received some bad news about my grandmother in Florida this week. She was in a coma and couldn't breathe on her own. She is still on a ventilator but she's conscious and alert. We're taking it a day at a time right now and just holding our breaths until the doctors can give us more news. If things get bad, I'll be making an impromptu, brief trip to Florida. I hope it doesn't came to that though. =/

Still working on Courting the Rose and stuff for the forums. I added another new character - Skylar Jadyn (who was formerly Jaqualyn Cherloc). I wish more people would participate! Mom and I are the only ones who have made story posts. :( 

And of course, the topic that I touch on nearly every post - Chris. Things are still weird with him. We're still talking often through Facebook. I decided to man up and be mature the other day and sent him this message:

We told each other three months ago that when we were ready, we would do the friend thing again. I'm not sure about you, but I know I've done an enormous amount of growth in those three months and while there are still a lot that hurts, I'm getting there and I'd like for us to be friends.
However, I am well aware that your woman is not in the least bit fond of me. I want you to be happy and I don't want to cause trouble. If once you move there and she doesn't want you talking to me... I can understand that. Doesn't mean that I'll like it, but I can understand.
He responded to me with this:

Sarah has been reasonably understanding of our talking, and while she doesn't prefer it she doesn't feel the need to stomp her foot on it. I'm willing, but not there yet. Your little out burst to Nathan, no matter how upset you were, was very painful to me. I'm just not ready to have you completely involved in everything. I think we're good where we are for the time being, and if things keep going like they have been we can look into becoming friends beyond the random FB banter again. I've already forgiven you Tina. The problem is in my willingness to include you in anything else. I'll get over it, given some time.

So yeah... =/ Looks like I fucked up big time when I sent that damned vengeful message to Sarah's brother. He did, however, tell me that he could see my growth from the distance he's at and was very proud of me for it all. He sent me a gif yesterday of a sloth yawning with its tongue out (I sometimes yawn like this). It made me smile but it makes me wonder how/why he remembers little things like that and acknowledges them. Also... I just thought that I would included these photos. Just... because. They made my day.