Emotionally Fucked

Mood:  Upset
Listening to: League of Legends dubstep mix 
Reading: Dragonriders of Pern
Watching: Deathnote
Playing: -
Eating: -
Drinking: -



First off, I'd like to say that I HATE the font selection for this thing. I really do. They're all pain. I really feel that the type of font you use can help convey messages. And when it's all bland like the options given, there really isn't enough umph to a message. 


Anyways. 


Today, I am very upset. I can already tell that this is going to be a very bad cycle for me because I broke down in hysterical tears on the way home from picking C up because I was telling him about how frustrated I was all day and he said (jokingly) that he didn't wanna hear it, that I didn't work all day and deal with the shit that he did. Well I certainly didn't take it in a joking manner and thus, the waterworks commenced. I really didn't have a grip on myself. Couple that with the fact that my wisdom teeth were going wild yesterday and I wanted to slash my gums open and take the demon teeth out myself, and you have a pretty unhappy Wynter. (On that note, I plan on trying to visit a dentist on Friday, or whenever they have an opening, hopefully get something for the pain and a referral to an oral surgeon for removal of the teeth.) 


So, a little background really quick (even though I covered some of it in a previous entry). I graduated with high honors from high school and had my choice at pretty much any college I wanted (within reason, of course). I decided to enroll at Florida Southern College (a pretty prestigious college in that area, and in the country actually) in the education program (I was a Hollis scholar, one of only 12). My first semester went great. I fucking loved college life. Then my dad died in January and life was pretty much turned upside down. My work was slipping, grades were slipping, I took to drowning myself with the only thing that helped me shut out reality - World of Warcraft. Now you're probably laughing at me and calling me a nerd or whatever. Yah, I know. But WoW was where my friends were. My real life friends weren't really of any support or help to me (there were the very few exceptions, but for the most part, I got my support from friends in-game) so I went to the only place that I felt safe.  This is actually where I (re)met C, and he was a big player in helping me along in this time period. 
Anyways, getting off-topic. I came to the realization that (at that point in life) I didn't want to teach, that I wanted to cook. And I was upset with the fact that I was having to take a bunch of bullshit classes just to be a teacher (like the stupid desktop publishing design class that I hated). So I finished out the year (kind of) and withdrew. Moved to Minnesota and things have been kinda rocky. I'm in debt from going to FSC (I wouldn't be had my inheritance not been stolen from me) so I can't take out any loans, so I'm kinda stuck with FAFSA. Until recently, I wasn't aware that the closest college (almost an hour away) offered a few online courses. So I'm jumping at the opportunity to get back in school -- it will help me to get jobs and give me something to do. 
Except, by FAFSA's rules, I'm still a dependent on my female parental unit, even though I haven't really lived with her in two years and I'm of legal age in every other aspect. And since she and I aren't really in speaking terms, getting information from here is very... tense. (She did some pretty unforgivable things to be that I can't and refuse to look past.) So for the past two weeks, I've been going round and round with her, trying to get the information. And if it's not one thing, it's another with her. "Oh my power cord for my computer broke." "Visit your brother's FAFSA and get my info." -visit his and see that it hasn't even been filled out for this year- 


Really? C'mon now, you took enough from me, you stupid bitch, at least give me the ability to try to go back to school. 

Blah

Yah, I didn't post yesterday, and today's post is going to be noticeably shorter than usual. Almost done on Master Evan's costume; just have to sew in the hooks and eyes on the back and connect the pant legs. Will prolly do that tonight or tomorrow. I'm trying to make it last as long as I can since I don't really have anything else to work on. Maybe a dress for Bunny (a build-a-bear bunny I gave C for our first Valentine's Day), not sure yet. I gotta get mom to take some time to show me how to work the sewing machine; I've really only ever used one once and it was a different brand and had a manual. Once I have that down and I get some thread, buttons, boning, and grommets, I can start with my bodice and skirt, providing I can lift the stains from the fabric. >.<;; 


Pretty tired today. Found this video on Infinite Looper with relaxing rain sounds that I used yesterday and last night to sleep; works pretty well. Except for some reason, I can't stay asleep to save my life. So I've been awake since day break or so. But I can't sleep because I have to go grocery shopping today with dad. Ugh. </3 life some days. 


Still nothing on the job search. Also, gotta call Human Resources at some point and find out wtf is going on with my health insurance cards, since I was approved and everything but haven't received them, and therefore can't visit a doctor or dentist. Not that I'm looking forward to either visit...


Anywho... Gonna go veg on the couch or something and wait for dad to get up and get ready.

Accomplished

Mood: In a lot of pain
Listening to: Nature
Reading: Dragonriders of Pern
Watching: My kittens cuddle each other at the foot of the bed and look out the window at birds
Playing: -
Eating: -
Drinking: -


Well, I pretty much did everything that I set out to yesterday. I cleaned the entire bedroom and swept it, organized practically everything in the room, did all the laundry (I left one load down in the dryer because I was in too much pain yesterday to go down and get it), sorted out my clothes and put aside things that I don't want anymore, made a few nifty discoveries while cleaning, COMPLETELY cleaned out under the bed (and boy, was there a lot!), and brought my stuff in from the mudroom to put underneath the newly cleaned bed so that wandering eyes and hands aren't tempted to go through it (not that *anyone* would *ever* do that...). 
I didn't quite get everything done that I wanted to, but I was forced to stop because A) I needed to shower and go pick up C and B) the pinched nerve in my back drastically worsened from all the bending, lifting, stretching, and other weird angles I put myself in to clean yesterday (especially pulling stuff out from under the bed). So last night after we laid down to watch the last episode of Law and Order: SVU last night, I had C work on my back. I'm not sure whether he made it better or not. I'm in a helluva lot of pain this morning from all the pressure he put on it and the pinch is still there. He also discovered a whole nest of crunchy bits (knots and calcium build-ups) in the muscles next to my scapula. And when he pressed hard and tried to work it all out, I was in tears. Literally. Like, crying really loud and really hard because of how bad my back hurt. His sister came to the door to make sure I was OK because I guess they could hear me all the way in the living room and den (over TV and Ventrilo). Yah. It hurts. A fuckton. A metric fuckton. So getting things finished today is going to suck... and I have to go grocery shopping before I go pick him up. 
On a bright note, after work yesterday, C bought me a new pair of scissors (/cheer!) for my sewing. The nifty discoveries I made yesterday? Stuff for sewing! A bunch of velvet scraps, two brand new boxes of pins, a few containers of pearl beads, and an AMAZING piece of pink satin (and there's a LOT of it). So I've started a project with the pieces of velvet. I have a teddy bear that C bought me the first winter I was here. When we went to the Ren Faire for my birthday that year, I bought a cute little baby jester hat. Well, I don't have a baby, so I put it on my bear and named him Master Evan (after this REALLY flamboyant, openly gay man I knew in the SCA). I've always wanted to make clothing for him, but never had the stuff to do it... UNTIL NOW! So that's what I started on after dinner last night. I finished both of his sleeves, and started on a pant leg. I've got those cut and pinned together for me to sew (I'm doing it all by hand), but I'm having an issue with the body suit part. And then the issue of how I'm going to put the clothes on him and keep them there. I'm considering buttons (because buttons are easy) but I'm not sure yet. It will definitely be a work in progress. And when I'm finished, I'll post it on dA and give a link here. And the pink fabric? Well... -taps fingers together like a villain- I have plans for that... That will come WAY later down the line, but oh, do I have plans for that...

TGIF

Mood: In pain (bad sleep, pinched nerve or something in the neck/back area, and feeling sick)

Listening to: Random playlist (with, surprisingly, a bunch of good songs)

Reading: Dragonriders of Pern

Watching: My kittens sleep at my feet

Playing: -

Eating: Cinnamon roll

Drinking: Milk

Not really though. Friday's don't really signify anything big. I still have to get up to take C to work on Saturdays (not Sundays though!). 

So uhm.. about my last post. Yeaaaahh... That was just a major meltdown on my part. I was just really upset and needed somewhere to vent so that I didn't upset C (even though the minute he walked in the room he knew I was upset). Things are OK now. He worked things out and crunched numbers and reassured me that (as always) things would be OK. And that once I start working, even if it's not until we move, we'll be even more OK. We're not going to have as much money saved up as we originally thought, but we'll make due. S'what Craigslist/yard sales/thrift stores are for. 

So yesterday was C's day off. So we FINALLY got to play D&D, which was great fun. I found out that basically I am the cause of the whole plot. I mean, not really, but mostly. It's actually my twin sister that I never knew I had until some really weird guys in robes with no left hands tried to touch me and worship me and say that I was the anointed one. And then Kaen (C) and I basically dropped kicked them all (well, we punched them, but still). And then Jade (who's real name is Kalysto Tisiphone) found out all this HUGE stuff about Kaen's past that he never told her in all her 13 years of being raised by him, and now she's pretty pissed. Like... she pretty much blew up at him and was like "I can't trust you now" and he's REALLY mind-fucked because he found out he's the reason the world exploded (OK not the ENTIRE world, but an entire continent). And now Kaen is all crazy and depressed and doesn't know what to do, which is bad, because as mad as Jade is at him, he is all she's ever known and basically when he says jump, she asks "How high?" on the way up (he was a little rough and disciplined in her raising) so when he said "I don't know what we're gonna do" she's like o.O. Plus, there's Heather's character, who Jade DOES NOT like (wrongful accusation, albeit she truly thought it was me) who is stuck with Jade and Kaen because of destiny or some crap. So before Sunday (hopefully that's when we play again) C and I need to figure out what the hell we're gonna do. I specifically chose to play a child (well, she's 15) and someone not in a leadership position for a reason in this campaign (because since I've usually played a solo campaign or with C's two sisters, I've had to be party lead), but it looks like I'm going to have to temporarily take up the mantle of leading the party until Kaen regains some sanity. 

So, uh, I think I'm getting sick. I've felt it for a few days now, but it's really hitting me. Developing a slight cough and I'm achy, and lack of sleep seems to be affecting me more than usual. Mehhh. 

My goals for the day (after I eat breakfast and go back to sleep that is) - this bedroom is getting deep cleaned. It feels like there's SO much to do. I cleaned and organized the closet earlier this week, but now I have everything else. I'm probably even going to delve into the monster under the bed and get all that crap out (granted, none of that is ours; it's his parents and it's just being stored in here). So I guess that means I should eat and sleep, and wake up and get to work!

Money...

I love not having it. No, really. I thoroughly enjoy not being able to buy something when I see it, no matter how big or small. I adore not being able to take my kittens to the vet when I know that they're way past due for a visit. I love having to wear the same clothes that I've had since I was in high school; the only time I've got new clothes in the past three years was when it was an absolute necessity, and that was two pairs of work pants because the pair that I had was sewn and patched too many times to count and I just couldn't fix them anymore, two bra's because my breasts had LONG outgrown any bra that I owned at the time (and the only reason I got two was because they were on a really good sale), and a pair of tennis shoes because the ones that I had I had wore since my junior year in high school (I graduated on June of 2008) and they were literally falling apart at the seams.
So you're probably saying, "Go get a job then and stop yer bitchin'!" Yah, well, that's a lot easier said than done. You see, I live in a little tiny village called Frost. The closest town is about 25 miles away, and that only has ~3000 people in it. There's almost nothing there. There are two towns about 45 minutes away in each direction that boast a ~10,000 population. There are more stores and what not there. However, we then come to the next big issue - transportation. I don't have a vehicle, and nor does C. We're currently using his parents truck to ferry him back and forth to work. He works 7-4 every day except Thur and Sun in the town 25 miles away. His mom works in the town 45 minutes away in the opposite direction; her days vary, but the hours are 8-2. So, on days that she works, I have to rush to get C to work and get back here so she can take the truck, and when she gets back ~3 PM, I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave to get C. 
C has worked at this job 11 days. His mom did the math on how much he owes for gas. $300. His check was only $425. We also have to pay rent, $100 each. We're trying to save up to get our own car and for our apartment that we're moving into in September or October. Now, tell me how we're going to do that when he pays $150/week in gas, and $200/month in rent? Exactly. 
Now, back to what I was saying. If I was to get a job, it would HAVE to be a night job, since it would just be part time and I couldn't jeopardize transportation for those two. Unless it was an EXTREMELY well paying job, I'd be working for nothing, since the vast majority, if not all, of my paycheck would be paying for the gas to get me to and from work. So getting a job is out of the question until we move into town. I know it, C knows it. Neither of us really wanna come to terms with it because, well, I really should have a job and pull my own weight. Besides the fact, I really hate not being to support myself and I hate seeing something and not being able to buy it, just because I want it. Or hell, knowing that I really need something, like for instance, the fact that I've been using the same razor blade to shave for AT LEAST a year. Yes, I need new blades. But that's $15 that I don't have. I have two 7 month old kittens. They really need to be fixed, because they're going to go into heat soon (I'm surprised that they haven't yet) and I dealt with one kitten in heat last year when we had our own home. I can only imagine what it's going to be like dealing with TWO kittens in heat in ONE TINY LITTLE BEDROOM. But again... that's $170 that I don't have, and can't just pull out of thin air. I applied for state-issued health insurance and was approved. However, there are co-pays for visits and prescriptions. I have some serious dental problems that I know I need worked on, because I'm fairly positive that that's the reason I get some of my monstrous migraines. But, again with the 'that's just money that I don't have' thing. 
I hate life some days. I really, really do. I'm a failure of a person. I can't do anything worth a damn, I can't get a hold or even hold one down, there is nothing special about me to employers because I have no school or certifications or experience in anything. I can't even provide for a couple of kittens; how the fuck am I going to handle a child, because, yanno, I'd like one of those one day. 
Everyone had such big dreams for me as I was growing up and going through school. I had big dreams for me. I had my life all laid out. I was going to graduate from high school with high honors, go to the college of my choosing, get a degree in something I wanted to do, get a career and do that a few years, get married to some successful man, have a kid or two, become a stay at home mom with a part time job and watch my kids grow up and dedicate to them like my parents didn't do to me. 
Well... I did the first two things with enough ease. But then I dropped out. I was unhappy. I was stressed beyond belief, due to the fact that I was unhappy, and other factors in my family. I didn't feel like I was going anywhere. Now where am I? Ten thousand dollars in debt due to a stupid cunt of a mother with no schooling, relying on the support a guy that I dated for two years and gave up everything for because I thought he was something special and was going to be the one.
Yah, look how great I turned out to be. 

No juice in the batteries

Mood: Too tired to care about anything
Listening to: The many fans surrounding me
Reading: Dragonriders of Pern
Watching: The backs of my eyelids soon
Playing: -
Eating: Mint chocolate chip cookies
Drinking: Milk


Another restless night. Another exhausting day. I don't know what's doing this, but my ability to sleep through the night has been revoked, and in its place a slew of strange dreams. It's been going on for quite some time now; the heat of the past few days has just worsened it. Driving this morning was a feat of strength... Mental strength, that is. I had to literally put all of my focus into staying awake and in my lane. I'm going to try to start doing a few things to see if it'll help me to fall asleep (chamomile tea, hot milk and honey, going to sleep when I'm tired instead of pushing for midnight, etc) and if nothing else, go make my bed out in the mudroom (kinda like a porch/sun-room) on the futon and see if having my own sleeping spot will help at all. Not that I *want* to go out there or anything, but I can't keep going on like this.


Speaking of the heat, it reached 102 degrees yesterday. Seriously? The first week of June and it's 102 degrees. Absofuckinglutely ridiculous. Especially when there's no AC. It was so hot, the fans that were blowing on me felt like they were blowing hot air. It was so hot that when I made lunch, the jar of pasta sauce that I set on the counter was warmed by the time the pasta was done cooking. It was fucking hot. Hopefully though... temperatures are supposed to drop the rest of the week and no more of this stupid Tartarus on Earth bullshit. 


No seriously... I'm exhausted. It's kinda cool this morning too, so hopefully I'll actually be able to nap, unlike the past few days. -sigh- Unless, of course, C calls and says to come pick him up from work early because of his knee. I could throttle him some days... Oh, and not only am I not sleeping well, but when I do actually sleep, I am plagued with the strangest of dreams. Like... I can't remember them once I wake up; all I remember is that they were really fucking weird. Like last night... I dreamed about the Titanic, except it was modern day. Except I knew that the ship was going to go down before I even stepped foot on it, and no one would believe me. And then they said it was too heavy, so they started throwing baggage and passengers of 3rd class off. Yes, off, like right in the ocean, like man overboard off. Really. Freaking. Weird.


Anywho, that's all for me, for now at least. Going to dreamland, this time hopefully without Titanic.

Hello, Introduction, Heat Rant, Etc.

Mood: Sleepy as fuck

Listening to: Edward Maya - Stereolove (aka Accordian Song)

Reading: Dragonriders of Pern

Watching: -

Playing: Vampire Wars

Eating: -

Drinking: -

Hai there! I am Wynter, and this is my blog, obviously! 

Not really gonna launch into full life details, but if you wanna know about me, there's this really nifty little button to the right, it says something to the effect of 'View My Profile'. You can learn about what I do/like/watch/listen to and all that other jazz. 

Now that that's out of the way!

So... I literally got two hours of sleep last night... Maybe 3. There is an INCREDIBLE heat streak going through where I live (and the whole US, I believe) and living with 5 other people with many computers/gaming systems/TV's/other heat generating devices and NO air conditioning does nothing for you mood or your ability to sleep. Especially since I share a room with my friend (it's my ex-boyfriend, but we're not dating at the moment) and we only have a twin-sized bed.  Believe me... it sucks beyond imagination. So when it's hot, I usually don't want to do much of anything (I mean, who does? When it's 100 degrees who wants to really go and do family activities, or walk to the park or much of anything else? I know that I surely don't.) and now that I'm lacking a full  nights sleep, I really really don't want to do anything. So after this, I'm pretty much going to get comfy, tell my kittens to not jump and play all over me (not like they listen or anything), put a pillow over my head to block out light/sounds/anything else, and crash. 

Actually, that's pretty much how my days go regardless if I get sleep at night. I just feel a stronger need for the sleep today than normal. Heat makes for a very unhappy Wynter, and a hot, sticky, cranky, sleep-deprived Wynter is not a fun thing to be around. Anyways... I was talking about my schedule. It's pretty much the same thing, every day, not much variance. Basically looks like this...

6 AM - Wake up, make breakfast for C, make his lunch for work, take him to work.

7 AM - Come home, play around on Facebook, check emails, do other things on the computer til I get tired which is usually within an hour or two.

8-9 AM - Go back to sleep. Most of the time it's not actually deep, restful sleep, but more nap-like.

11 AM-12 PM - Wake up. Usually it's around 11.30 or so. And it's actually getting up, not waking up. I can be a pretty light sleeper in the day time.

12 PM - Fix something to eat (since this is usually the first time in the day that I eat) and then <insert random activity> until 3.30 PM. I'll read, play with my kittens, clean and organize, watch anime, play on my silly Facebook apps, and/or play League of Legends. 

3.30 PM - Go pick up C from work.

5 PM - Again, it varies, but C and I will usually watch something on Netflix that we can kinda just leave on in the background while we do other things. A few times a week, we play D&D with his family. We eat dinner sometime in this time frame, and then when it gets a little later, we change our Netflix to something we actually focus on. 

11 PM-12 AM - Bed time. 

Aaaaand that's pretty  much how every day works. Pretty fun, right?
Not really. 

I get bored a lot (not having something to take up a huge chunk of my day like a job or school tends to do that). Up til a few weeks ago, the schedule was basically [wake up > eat breakfast > get on WoW > play WoW all day until I need to do something else (laundry, dinner, take care of animals, etc.) > raid at night (was previously raiding 5 nights a week in two different guilds) > play League of Legends until the way wee hours of the morning > bed sometime around 4 or 5]. I try to be a little more productive now. My morning schedule will change a little here soon when I can get the bike fixed and can start biking around town (now, keep in mind, 'town' is actually a village of 250 people. You could walk from one side to the other in probably 20 minutes or so) so I'll get less extra sleep time. Or just not get on the computer in the morning; I haven't decided yet. 

So I guess that's it for this time, folks. I'm verah sleepy and I'm finding it difficult to keep focus on much of anything right now. Sleepy time, here I come!