Ladies and gentlemen, I am a very confused person.
Yes, I've said it. I'm totally confused and have no idea what I want, besides Christopher and that's just not possible. I feel a soul searching session/journey/thing coming on.
Where to begin here... Well, I got my first check from Hell; yes that is what we non-affectionately call my place of work. I've made some pretty good commissions lately, which is rockin'. I just need to keep up this pace. Doesn't look like I'll be swapping to days anytime soon. I was really pissed off about it at first but I think I'm a little more OK with it now. I weighed the pros and cons of it and it came out alright.
With my check I am getting my tattoos next week; very excited about that. I also bought a bunch of clothes, several pairs of slacks and jeans, a few dresses, some leggings, a tunic. I also went on a date in Mankato, but more on that in a moment. I'm getting a BFF necklace set for Chris and I. They're really cute, little Pokeballs split down the middle with our initials on them. Early birthday present for him. ^_^
Things with him and I are going well, it seems. He invites me over about once a week or so for various reasons; this week it was to try some awesome Thai food he made. I saw him yesterday as well. We shared a moment, a hug, where I remembered why I was so drawn to him over four years ago. It wasn't just a "Hey what's going on" hug; it was a good hug, the kind that go deeper than skin, that reach down and touch your very being. Before I went over, though, we had a really long talk on Facebook; I was very upset and feeling like an awful person and he did a really great job at talking me down and calming me. He reminded me during our hug that I have to stop doing stupid shit because I'm better than that. We nuzzled noses and he held me while I tried to hold back tears. I'll be really sad to see him go; there will be no more going over to talk and hang out and fight over the radio or get beat over the head for doing dumb shit. I hope to gods he's happy there...
I'll be going to Fairmont next week to visit the college I intend on attending next year. I'm pretty excited about that. I wish I could enroll sooner though. Ugh. Stupid loans...
Alright, now onto the part I know everyone's waiting for. The date with Jeff. We started the night at Olive Garden; I had a super yummy fruity drink called a Venetian Sunset (champagne with pineapple and cherry juices) and portabella raviolis. Very nom. We went to the WOWZone from there and played a few games of bowling. I got my ass handed to me, even with me using bumpers; I'm terrible lol. After that it was still early so we shot over to the movies and saw Now You See Me; very awesome movie, I enjoyed it greatly. And then it was only 9:45, so we just decided to aimlessly drive around Mankato. And then... things got a bit out of hand. I didn't mean for it to happen or even intend for it to happen. But it just kinda... did. No, I didn't have sex with the guy, but yanno... some other things.... -sigh- I'll stop beating around the bush. I gave him a blow job and he fingered me. There, it's out. Granted, I felt really good, not having gotten any since January. But like... Man... on my way home that night (my 45 minute trip turned into nearly 3 hours so I had a lot of time to think) I decided that while he was a very nice guy and treated me like a real lady by holding doors, helping me in and out of the car, and not letting me pay for anything, he just wasn't MY guy. So then I cried when I got home because I felt like a slut. And then the next day I cried some more and I went to my two best friends (Jenna and Chris) and told them and asked for help. And then went to mom about it because there is just no hiding anything from her. I got told pretty much the same thing from everyone - It's OK that it happened. I had a good time and that's all that matters. If I don't want to be "that girl" then don't become her. But that I'm 23, almost 24, and casual sex happens. So it is what it is. I had a meltdown, I cried, I talked and hugged it out, I'm OK now.
However I don't think I'm ready to date yet. I pushed myself into it, thinking that it would help me get over Christopher faster but it didn't. I've got to stop comparing every man to Chris and hoping to find what he and I had; he told me that I will never have that again because every relationship is different but I will find something that is better for me. I've done a lot of growing but this experience proved to me that I still have a very long ways to go.
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