My gods... I am so frazzled I don't even have a metaphor for it. And I'm usually good at those. Let's see here... My date was a disaster (well the aftermath); I know I went over it in my last post but I'm still feeling the affects of pushing myself into dating. I still love Chris way more than is healthy for me; oh and I did mention that he and I are on best-friend level now; except we're best-friends who tip toe on eggshells about each others personal lives. Oh and said best friend is leaving in a month to move to Michigan with bitchwhoreface. I move out next month and I don't have a car and won't have one likely until... the end of August. I'm getting very stir crazy about going to school. I posted an ad for RP, expecting to only get a response or two and ended with with ten or more and I still haven't sorted through them all. My cat, Viani, went missing the night before last and we still can't find her. Because of this, I had to leave work early to help go find her (I could have stayed but I wanted to get some daylight searching and I was way too frazzled to work) and today I'm still uber stressed out to the point where I can't hold my attention to anything. I've tried several books, games on my Kindle, shows on Netflix, my writing mojo took an unexpected vacation so I can't write.
So now that I have a list of things all laid out, I can address them one by one!
My date. Well I touched on that before. I'm just... really upset with myself for shoving me into a situation that I wasn't ready for, and even more so for giving into sexual pressure that I really shouldn't have. I was being silly and impulsive and doing that thing I do when I try to get people to like me. -sigh- I know I know, love will come when I'm ready for it and not a moment before. Patience never was one of my virtues.
Chris... I don't even know where to start with him. He was very supportive of me after my date and helped to calm me down and realize that I was going to be OK. It was then it became unofficially official that we were best friends. So then this thing with Viani happened yesterday. She got out sometime between 1 AM and 6 AM on Wednesday morning. Chris came home and she was gone. No idea what happened. So instead of waiting to tell me when I got off work I was told at my lunch that Viani was missing and I pretty much lost it. I sat through an hour of work until I couldn't take it anymore and left to go help look for her. So I get over there, we look for an hour in the rain with no luck and go back inside. I was sitting on the bed holding my head sobbing when Chris told me to stand up and c'mere. His arms were open and he held me for a good five minutes and just let me cry. We went in and out all night trying to find her with no luck. After my last time trying to find her, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and hugged me for some time, nuzzling my hair and rubbing my arms. So to take my mind off things, Chris started showing me some funny videos and such. We wrestled on the bed, over my flashlight of all things, until he attempted to impale me with said flashlight and left a fair bruise across my boob which looks more like a hickey... So at 10.30 or so, I'm just wiped physically and emotionally. I take my Kindle, kick my shoes off, and go curl into his bed (which was amazing since I haven't slept on a real bed in a month and a comfortable one since February). I apparently ended up falling asleep because he got in bed beside me and nudged me until I woke up. We laid in bed together for a little over an hour just talking about life - his move, my dating things, moving on, etc. I cherish the moments like last night; I hat that it took such a bad event to bring us together...
Moving out. Next month. I'm really excited about it. Everything will be in my name, I will be paying my own bills, decorating my own way. It'll be nice. Except the whole not having a car thing. I'm irritated about that. Chris was going to sell me the Douchecanoe (what we affectionately named our car) but now he needs it so he's taking it with him. I know that I'm going to need $1000 saved before I can even look at cars so it's gonna be a bit. Yay for borrowing cars! -_-;
I am, however, getting my tattoos this weekend. I will post pictures as soon as I can some, which hopefully will be soon since I ordered a new charger for my camera. I also got almost all of my clothes I ordered on ebay. All the pants fit (yay!) and one of the dresses does. The other one doesn't, so I'm going to try and sell it and make some money back on it. Damnable boobs being too big. Oh! Because of this thing with Viani missing, I have pretty much crash coursed how to dowse. At least yes and no answers. I'll have to work on getting a real pendulum at some point to divine with. On that note I'm going to try and buy a new piece of magickal equipment on every check to start rebuilding.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Great Expectations and Realizations
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a very confused person.
Yes, I've said it. I'm totally confused and have no idea what I want, besides Christopher and that's just not possible. I feel a soul searching session/journey/thing coming on.
Where to begin here... Well, I got my first check from Hell; yes that is what we non-affectionately call my place of work. I've made some pretty good commissions lately, which is rockin'. I just need to keep up this pace. Doesn't look like I'll be swapping to days anytime soon. I was really pissed off about it at first but I think I'm a little more OK with it now. I weighed the pros and cons of it and it came out alright.
With my check I am getting my tattoos next week; very excited about that. I also bought a bunch of clothes, several pairs of slacks and jeans, a few dresses, some leggings, a tunic. I also went on a date in Mankato, but more on that in a moment. I'm getting a BFF necklace set for Chris and I. They're really cute, little Pokeballs split down the middle with our initials on them. Early birthday present for him. ^_^
Things with him and I are going well, it seems. He invites me over about once a week or so for various reasons; this week it was to try some awesome Thai food he made. I saw him yesterday as well. We shared a moment, a hug, where I remembered why I was so drawn to him over four years ago. It wasn't just a "Hey what's going on" hug; it was a good hug, the kind that go deeper than skin, that reach down and touch your very being. Before I went over, though, we had a really long talk on Facebook; I was very upset and feeling like an awful person and he did a really great job at talking me down and calming me. He reminded me during our hug that I have to stop doing stupid shit because I'm better than that. We nuzzled noses and he held me while I tried to hold back tears. I'll be really sad to see him go; there will be no more going over to talk and hang out and fight over the radio or get beat over the head for doing dumb shit. I hope to gods he's happy there...
I'll be going to Fairmont next week to visit the college I intend on attending next year. I'm pretty excited about that. I wish I could enroll sooner though. Ugh. Stupid loans...
Alright, now onto the part I know everyone's waiting for. The date with Jeff. We started the night at Olive Garden; I had a super yummy fruity drink called a Venetian Sunset (champagne with pineapple and cherry juices) and portabella raviolis. Very nom. We went to the WOWZone from there and played a few games of bowling. I got my ass handed to me, even with me using bumpers; I'm terrible lol. After that it was still early so we shot over to the movies and saw Now You See Me; very awesome movie, I enjoyed it greatly. And then it was only 9:45, so we just decided to aimlessly drive around Mankato. And then... things got a bit out of hand. I didn't mean for it to happen or even intend for it to happen. But it just kinda... did. No, I didn't have sex with the guy, but yanno... some other things.... -sigh- I'll stop beating around the bush. I gave him a blow job and he fingered me. There, it's out. Granted, I felt really good, not having gotten any since January. But like... Man... on my way home that night (my 45 minute trip turned into nearly 3 hours so I had a lot of time to think) I decided that while he was a very nice guy and treated me like a real lady by holding doors, helping me in and out of the car, and not letting me pay for anything, he just wasn't MY guy. So then I cried when I got home because I felt like a slut. And then the next day I cried some more and I went to my two best friends (Jenna and Chris) and told them and asked for help. And then went to mom about it because there is just no hiding anything from her. I got told pretty much the same thing from everyone - It's OK that it happened. I had a good time and that's all that matters. If I don't want to be "that girl" then don't become her. But that I'm 23, almost 24, and casual sex happens. So it is what it is. I had a meltdown, I cried, I talked and hugged it out, I'm OK now.
However I don't think I'm ready to date yet. I pushed myself into it, thinking that it would help me get over Christopher faster but it didn't. I've got to stop comparing every man to Chris and hoping to find what he and I had; he told me that I will never have that again because every relationship is different but I will find something that is better for me. I've done a lot of growing but this experience proved to me that I still have a very long ways to go.
Yes, I've said it. I'm totally confused and have no idea what I want, besides Christopher and that's just not possible. I feel a soul searching session/journey/thing coming on.
Where to begin here... Well, I got my first check from Hell; yes that is what we non-affectionately call my place of work. I've made some pretty good commissions lately, which is rockin'. I just need to keep up this pace. Doesn't look like I'll be swapping to days anytime soon. I was really pissed off about it at first but I think I'm a little more OK with it now. I weighed the pros and cons of it and it came out alright.
With my check I am getting my tattoos next week; very excited about that. I also bought a bunch of clothes, several pairs of slacks and jeans, a few dresses, some leggings, a tunic. I also went on a date in Mankato, but more on that in a moment. I'm getting a BFF necklace set for Chris and I. They're really cute, little Pokeballs split down the middle with our initials on them. Early birthday present for him. ^_^
Things with him and I are going well, it seems. He invites me over about once a week or so for various reasons; this week it was to try some awesome Thai food he made. I saw him yesterday as well. We shared a moment, a hug, where I remembered why I was so drawn to him over four years ago. It wasn't just a "Hey what's going on" hug; it was a good hug, the kind that go deeper than skin, that reach down and touch your very being. Before I went over, though, we had a really long talk on Facebook; I was very upset and feeling like an awful person and he did a really great job at talking me down and calming me. He reminded me during our hug that I have to stop doing stupid shit because I'm better than that. We nuzzled noses and he held me while I tried to hold back tears. I'll be really sad to see him go; there will be no more going over to talk and hang out and fight over the radio or get beat over the head for doing dumb shit. I hope to gods he's happy there...
I'll be going to Fairmont next week to visit the college I intend on attending next year. I'm pretty excited about that. I wish I could enroll sooner though. Ugh. Stupid loans...
Alright, now onto the part I know everyone's waiting for. The date with Jeff. We started the night at Olive Garden; I had a super yummy fruity drink called a Venetian Sunset (champagne with pineapple and cherry juices) and portabella raviolis. Very nom. We went to the WOWZone from there and played a few games of bowling. I got my ass handed to me, even with me using bumpers; I'm terrible lol. After that it was still early so we shot over to the movies and saw Now You See Me; very awesome movie, I enjoyed it greatly. And then it was only 9:45, so we just decided to aimlessly drive around Mankato. And then... things got a bit out of hand. I didn't mean for it to happen or even intend for it to happen. But it just kinda... did. No, I didn't have sex with the guy, but yanno... some other things.... -sigh- I'll stop beating around the bush. I gave him a blow job and he fingered me. There, it's out. Granted, I felt really good, not having gotten any since January. But like... Man... on my way home that night (my 45 minute trip turned into nearly 3 hours so I had a lot of time to think) I decided that while he was a very nice guy and treated me like a real lady by holding doors, helping me in and out of the car, and not letting me pay for anything, he just wasn't MY guy. So then I cried when I got home because I felt like a slut. And then the next day I cried some more and I went to my two best friends (Jenna and Chris) and told them and asked for help. And then went to mom about it because there is just no hiding anything from her. I got told pretty much the same thing from everyone - It's OK that it happened. I had a good time and that's all that matters. If I don't want to be "that girl" then don't become her. But that I'm 23, almost 24, and casual sex happens. So it is what it is. I had a meltdown, I cried, I talked and hugged it out, I'm OK now.
However I don't think I'm ready to date yet. I pushed myself into it, thinking that it would help me get over Christopher faster but it didn't. I've got to stop comparing every man to Chris and hoping to find what he and I had; he told me that I will never have that again because every relationship is different but I will find something that is better for me. I've done a lot of growing but this experience proved to me that I still have a very long ways to go.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
La-la-la
Before I go into anything else... WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN OBSESSIVELY READING MY BLOG!? For serious, I had nearly 30 one day this week. 30 views, in a single day. I appreciate you taking the time to read about my rants and raves and such, but like.... o_O leave a comment or something. I like feedback. ^_^
I'm going to lead off this post with a quote from one of my favourite shows because it really sums a lot of things up and speaks a great deal of wisdom.
"But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way."
Yes, this means there was another meltdown a few nights ago. Not quite as bad as the last one but a meltdown nonetheless. I'm not even sure where I should begin with it.
I guess I can start with the fact that I have a date on Saturday night. Calm yo' tits, people, it's not serious. We're just going to dinner and bowling/mini-golf. But it is a date, none the less. I am excited, don't get me wrong. But I'm scared. And nervous. I'm terrified, honestly. I haven't went on a date with someone I wasn't exclusive with in five years. That's a really long time. But I'm really nervous about this whole dating this in general. While Chris was a dick, he and I clicked and fit together like puzzle pieces. He understood me in every way. I'm scared that I won't find someone who can do that, who can understand my fucked up past, my family situation, my religious and spiritual views, etc. I'm going to hold every man that I date up to such a high standard that it's going to be ridiculous. Not only that but I'm super self-conscious about my tooth issue.
I made it through my first week of work. I remember now why I hated this job... lol. But I did well and made a handful of sales. We're working on getting me swapped over to day shift. Hopefully this week or next I'll be moved over. ^_^ And then I'll actually have an evening to do stuff instead of getting off work, having two free hours, then going to bed.
I went and saw Chris yesterday. I was going to pick up Stephanie from work and Chris had mentioned he was hurt so I went and took him my wrap to wrap up his arm. He was hungry and I had some free time so I took him to go get dinner. While we were in the car and he was debating on what he wanted to eat, Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" came on. Now I hate this song with a passion. And Chris knows it. He used to play this song just to get at me. So as soon as it comes on, I reach over and turn it off. He looks to me and grins, changing it back. I switch it. He switches it. It got to the point where both of us had one hand on the radio and one hand swatting at the other to not change the station. We were laughing playing and having a really good time, for the few seconds it lasted. It was a bittersweet moment for me. It felt really great because it felt like we were friends again doing silly stuff like fighting over the radio. But at the same time it hurt because there was a brief moment, a split second where he grabbed my hand and I looked at him and I just wanted to lean over and kiss him. But I pushed the feeling away and let it pass. I told him a few nights ago that I missed him. A lot. I told him that I felt like [if you don't watch Grey's Anatomy you won't understand the reference here] Addison while he was Derek and Sarah was Meredith. In the end no matter how hard Addison and Derek tried to make it work, Meredith got him. I told him I was going on a date and that I was scared because I would always compare people to him. He didn't really have much to say, not because he was being cold but because there really isn't much to say in that situation. All he said was "I'm not sure if you want an answer here so I'll just go with... "Noted" for now. You will find someone and all will be well eventually." Right after that, he updated his status to "Ugh." Mom said that me doing that was good and that it's making him doubt things with Sarah. I can only hope he acts on his doubts before it's too late...
Snow is doing well. He's up and running and playing and eating like a piglet these days. It's ridiculous that he was dead just a week ago and now it's like it never happened. Miracles, man... They happen. And it's amazing.
I wish next fall would get here so that I could start school. I dunno why, it may be rewatching Grey's Anatomy, but I'm getting all stir-crazy and antsy to go.
I think that's really all for now.. Will update more when available!
I'm going to lead off this post with a quote from one of my favourite shows because it really sums a lot of things up and speaks a great deal of wisdom.
"But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way."
Yes, this means there was another meltdown a few nights ago. Not quite as bad as the last one but a meltdown nonetheless. I'm not even sure where I should begin with it.
I guess I can start with the fact that I have a date on Saturday night. Calm yo' tits, people, it's not serious. We're just going to dinner and bowling/mini-golf. But it is a date, none the less. I am excited, don't get me wrong. But I'm scared. And nervous. I'm terrified, honestly. I haven't went on a date with someone I wasn't exclusive with in five years. That's a really long time. But I'm really nervous about this whole dating this in general. While Chris was a dick, he and I clicked and fit together like puzzle pieces. He understood me in every way. I'm scared that I won't find someone who can do that, who can understand my fucked up past, my family situation, my religious and spiritual views, etc. I'm going to hold every man that I date up to such a high standard that it's going to be ridiculous. Not only that but I'm super self-conscious about my tooth issue.
I made it through my first week of work. I remember now why I hated this job... lol. But I did well and made a handful of sales. We're working on getting me swapped over to day shift. Hopefully this week or next I'll be moved over. ^_^ And then I'll actually have an evening to do stuff instead of getting off work, having two free hours, then going to bed.
I went and saw Chris yesterday. I was going to pick up Stephanie from work and Chris had mentioned he was hurt so I went and took him my wrap to wrap up his arm. He was hungry and I had some free time so I took him to go get dinner. While we were in the car and he was debating on what he wanted to eat, Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" came on. Now I hate this song with a passion. And Chris knows it. He used to play this song just to get at me. So as soon as it comes on, I reach over and turn it off. He looks to me and grins, changing it back. I switch it. He switches it. It got to the point where both of us had one hand on the radio and one hand swatting at the other to not change the station. We were laughing playing and having a really good time, for the few seconds it lasted. It was a bittersweet moment for me. It felt really great because it felt like we were friends again doing silly stuff like fighting over the radio. But at the same time it hurt because there was a brief moment, a split second where he grabbed my hand and I looked at him and I just wanted to lean over and kiss him. But I pushed the feeling away and let it pass. I told him a few nights ago that I missed him. A lot. I told him that I felt like [if you don't watch Grey's Anatomy you won't understand the reference here] Addison while he was Derek and Sarah was Meredith. In the end no matter how hard Addison and Derek tried to make it work, Meredith got him. I told him I was going on a date and that I was scared because I would always compare people to him. He didn't really have much to say, not because he was being cold but because there really isn't much to say in that situation. All he said was "I'm not sure if you want an answer here so I'll just go with... "Noted" for now. You will find someone and all will be well eventually." Right after that, he updated his status to "Ugh." Mom said that me doing that was good and that it's making him doubt things with Sarah. I can only hope he acts on his doubts before it's too late...
Snow is doing well. He's up and running and playing and eating like a piglet these days. It's ridiculous that he was dead just a week ago and now it's like it never happened. Miracles, man... They happen. And it's amazing.
I wish next fall would get here so that I could start school. I dunno why, it may be rewatching Grey's Anatomy, but I'm getting all stir-crazy and antsy to go.
I think that's really all for now.. Will update more when available!
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