Before I start, I'd just like to say how annoyed I am with the small selection of fonts available for making posts. They're all plain and boring. Can't I have some pretty and exciting fonts to make things look nicer?
Anywho, on to the real reason of this post. This post doesn't really have a central theme; I'm just spouting.
OK, I lied. This post is a lot about Chris, with a few other things thrown in for good measure. I need to stop making these... -_-;;
So Sarah arrived there on Sunday. She went and met the family yesterday. It's done a pretty bad number on me; when I realized that it was all real and actually happening I went spiraling.
Even though I know that "she's not me" (as I was told by Heather when I asked what she thought) and that no one is impressed by her and she will never take my place, I still am upset about this whole thing. Hell, mom even went as far as to not give her her trademark interrogation that she gives to every single person that her children get serious with. I remember mine; it was several hours long. It's just one of those things that she does; but she didn't with Sarah.
I also spent a lot of time talking to Lance yesterday, about me moving back out there and such related things. We also talked about Chris and I found out some things that are causing some conflicted feelings. Lance, too, seems to think that Chris is being a "shallow moron that is only thinking with one organ that ISN'T the brain and is being monumentally stupid." He is of the same thought that this will only last six months or a year tops.
I'm having a civil war within myself; it's the brain versus the heart. And let me tell you, they're both faring pretty poorly right now. I laid awake for two hours last night trying to sort things out and make sense of everything. I didn't get anywhere, except for two hours of lost sleep. My brain is telling me to be logical and do the smart thing. My heart is, well, doing it's hopeless romantic thing.
On the note of Chris, he's been really very nice to me recently. Tim and I had a falling out when I told him that I don't think that he and I will be romantically involved and that I think that he and I are on two different paths-- Holy dear gods and all things sacred, that's the exact same thing that Chris told me... I pretty much parroted what he said to me to Tim. Well then... I'm not entirely sure how to feel about this. Anyways... it went poorly and I'm fairly sure that our friendship is over. I should have seen this coming, but there I went trying to see the inherent good in everyone and only end up getting hurt in the end. But the point of this was that Chris helped me through it and helped me to see that it wasn't my fault. And all I could do was sit there and cry. Because that's probably the nicest he's been to me since I left, sans the getting to know me better exercise mom had me do that involved him.
When this thing with Sarah inevitably falls apart and he's stuck in Michigan with no place to go... I'm going to have to fight like hell, burn ALL of my willpower points to get an automatic success, and possibly have others restrain me from trying to pick him up, dust him off, and fix him. I help people, I fix people. It's just what I do. The both of us still very much want to be friends; neither of us bear any ill will to the other and we just want to see each other happy and succeed in whatever it is we do. But when this happens... I'm not going to be able to be that friend to him; I'm going to have to distance myself, find something that totally distracts and engrosses me, and put my heart in a soundproof iron lock box so I can't pay attention to its pleas. It's that damnable empath thing... I wish I had an on/off switch for it. Sadly... it's not that easy. I can bubble, but bubbles only go so far.
In other news, I have a date picked out to go home. July 20th. Mom's birthday and the fair happen the week after and I want to be able to be there for that. It's gonna be close... but I'll make ends meet somehow. The girls are totally stoked to have me coming home, which makes me very happy. Heather told me she loved and missed me several times on the phone yesterday; it was heart-warming. As much as they drove me crazy, they're still my sisters.
Laura and I had a spat yesterday about Chris and friendship in general. I'm not really going to touch on it though because, well, I don't want to. I can't change the way someone feels; I can only accept and move on. And that's what I'm doing. I'm learning that trying to fight against things like that are a waste of spiritual energy and I'm drained of that enough; I don't need something else taking it from me.
It is what it is. I'm trying to make this my new motto; not so sure how it's going though. =/
No comments:
Post a Comment