Emotionally Mind Fucked - The Sequel

Mood: Incredibly, inconsolably upset
Listening to: Fans
Reading: Dragonriders of Pern (only kinda, 'cause I'm losing interest, fast)
Watching: Yu Yu Hakasho (or however teh hell it's spelled)
Playing: LoL
Eating: -
Drinking: -
Yah, I know it's been a while since I last wrote. Two weeks or so... Sorry, guys. Just haven't really been feeling it. 
But today, ladies and gentlemen, I come to you with a heart full of hurt, betrayal, confusion, anger, frustration. Oh yes, prepare to feast on my misfortunes, for I have a story to tell.


For starters, I have found out that I cannot go to college. At least not for a long while. Why, might you ask? 
"You were all gung-ho about it in one of your previous posts, why the sudden change of heart?" 
Well, dear readers, it's not a change of heart, but more of a brick wall of bad circumstances. Since I'm in debt from my loans when I went to college before and have since defaulted on those loans, the government refuses to give me any financial aid until those loans are paid off (totally to approximately $3000). And I don't have a job. So I'm screwed right now. I pretty much had a total meltdown when I received the notice, and of course, C tries to calm me down, tell me it's all OK, that we will work it out. Not right now, since we aren't financially able to, but in the future. I calm down, breathe, and try to get a hold of myself. At this point, I'm angry with my mother, because it's her fault that I'm in this mess in the first place. That has been put behind me and I will bring it back out when I need to attend to the matter.
Still haven't found a job. The state is shut down, so looking on the local job website isn't helping me. I keep an eye on the newspaper and send my CV and resume in to whatever jobs I can do. C is trying to get me a job where he works, as a cashier. It's not fabulous, and I've worked there before (and I know they suck), but a job is a job. Cashiering isn't that hard, and the pay would be more than minimum wage. Put my application in (for a second time) about a week and a half ago... Still waiting to hear back. 
Sewing... well... it was going, it went, and then it stopped. I finished the costume for Master Evan (for the most part) but I haven't done anything since. I discovered our sewing machine is broke, so making larger items is going to be a bit difficult and I just haven't mustered the willpower to tackle it.
D&D is going well. C's other sister has joined us last week. Time travel and pirates and proposals, oh my! Tomorrow is our next session (I think).


Now... For the event you all have been waiting for...


I'm sitting at C's computer today, getting ready to play LoL. He has Chrome installed, but I use his Internet Explorer so that I don't log him out of the same sites that we use. Go to the search bar and start to type in league (for league of legends). Something in the History pops up in the drop-down menu, a blog. By the name, I figured it was a Darknester (for those that don't know what that is, please don't Google and try to find out. And if you do, I don't wanna hear any shit from anyone. My life, will do with it as I please.) so I click on it. It gives me a "You must be 18 or older to view", so now I really think it's a Darknest blog and I'm interested. There are only two entries, I see. I click the first of the two and begin to read. No, it's not a Darknest blog, but as I read, everything seems familiar... I continue to read, out of curiosity (I've come this far, might as well finish). No names of people are mentioned, but from an outsider's view, it would appear to be the blog of someone named 'Jewel' who is talking about their 'Master' and how they lived in California together and then she moved to Florida and he moved to Minnesota and lost contact. And how she pines for him, longs and yearns for him, the whole shebang. 
At this point, I know exactly who both people are. 'Master' is C. 'Jewel' is the little skank bitch of an ex-girlfriend, who will we call R.  
I continue reading, and it goes on to detail that she found one of his friends, N, on Facebook, and through N, C. She says how incredibly excited she is and how she messages him immediately "OMG hey babe!" She then goes on to say that she looked at his profile and it said "In a Relationship with K" (me) and that in their discussions, they both shared how unhappy each was in their relationships and how he wanted her back, but each was staying in their current relationships for sake of ease at the moment, but in the future, they would find a way to be together.
End of post one.
Now... I'm furious. Fuming, like a cappuccino of anger. When we broke up, I found out that he had been unhappy in our relationship since we were in Florida. Awesome. Whatever. After we broke up, I found out that he had been venting to everyone but me about our relationship, and getting a little too cozy a lot too soon with one of the people he was venting to (some bitch in our WoW guild, who I promptly told off in such a fashion, it would make a Shanaynay be proud, and then ran her out of the guild). This miscommunication problem I think is something that led to our break up in the first place but again, whatever.  
I move to the second post because again, come this far, why would I turn back? The itching curiosity would be enough to kill me. This post was two days later. This one talks about how much she misses him, wants him, dreams of him, etc. And... details of a phone conversation between the two. I looked at the date. November 17th, 2010. A Wednesday. Now, I remember back to last November and our work schedules. Often times, I was scheduled for Wednesdays and he would have them off. She talks of the conversation detailing them catching up and what not. And then... the topic veers downhill... Here is an excerpt of the blog.  


"Eventually the conversation turned, as it was almost certain to do with two adults who loved each other talking, to more intimate topics. I won't get into exact specifics but Master and I spoke of what we wished to do with one another right in that moment and spoke of it in a most detailed fashion. Needless to I found myself very aroused, this time when I moved to the couch the phone didn't cut out at least not right away. Master instructed me to begin fondling myself and I complied, making sure the phone was in a position that he could hear the noises I made. Sadly my phone eventually lost power and died. I got back on the computer and talked to Master for a little while longer, he instructed me to get myself off before I went to bed. I began to touch myself in earnst then, eager to get off as much as to please Master. After I had orgasmed I told Master and typed up a naughty scenerio for him to help him reach his own peak. When Master had cum he instructed me to go to bed. I was shocked to find it was 6 o'clock in the morning."


If that isn't evidence enough, I don't know what is. Now before... the thing with his ex, K... While everything seemed really, really bad, I can look back now and "almost" understand his reasoning. That incident is long gone; he was confronted (multiple times), I cried, he cried, he apologized, it's done. But this... There is NO reason for this. NONE. WHAT SO FUCKING EVER.  If this had happened, yanno, after the break up on February 13, then I would have nothing to bitch about. I had sexual conversations with people after the break up too (nothing in this extent, mind you) so that's not a big deal. BUT IT TOOK PLACE IN NOVEMBER! WE WERE STILL VERY MUCH DATING THEN! 
And looking back... I remember that there would be nights were I would go to bed alone, and wake up every few hours looking for him, and then him coming in quietly, sneaking in the bed in the twilight hours... And now.. it all makes sense why he did it... And why he got so upset when I chose to stay up late with him, or go to sleep and wake back up and stay up.


So now I pose you a question... 
What do I do?