Falling

How is is that I can go from being OK to sitting here in tears within a matter of hours, even minutes? I just want to stop crying about him. I want to stop feeling. I want to just be numb. Not forever... but until this doesn't hurt anymore. What more do I possibly have to learn from this catastrophe? He left me, he moved on to the bitch, he's moving away. I'm moved away and moved back. I'm finding myself and fixing my co-dependency issues.

WHY THE FLYING FUCK DOES IT STILL HAVE TO HURT SO GODDAMN BAD!?

After a long day of training for my new job, I just wanted to go and kill shit on LotRO. I go to join a skirmish and I died half a dozen times (that is not an exaggeration). I just got so tired of dying I said fuck it and left. Chris was always there to reassure me that I'm not a shitty player and that I *can* do it and/or he would come and help me. Hell, this toon was leveled with his until 55. Playing her and remembering the RP behind her and his characters makes this harder.

My leg is in so much pain it hurts to do anything. Literally, anything. Stand, sit, lay, walk. Nothing I do is making it better.

I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to love him. Or think about him. Or dream about him. Or anything else regarding him. I want it all to stop. But I do do all those things. I do miss him and love him and thing and dream of him. I do want him back. I do want him to see the awesome person that I'm becoming and I do want to share everything with him.

But he's with her and that's just not possible. Not now, not ever. I don't even think he still loves me or even thinks of me anymore. He said we could be friends again... but I don't foresee that happening. I'm trying so hard to make it work but it just seems like he doesn't care.

It just hurts...