Just Stuff (I've only edited this like 4 times so far)

Monday [Saturday] morning after my first 40-hour work week ever. 

I was fucking exhausted. 

Oh, of course you were, sweety. You might say, smiling and nodding. No. I was so tired, I came home yesterday, got in bed, was asleep by 3 PM and didn't get up until 9:45 PM. Got up, ate dinner, watched Merlin, then was back in bed by midnight. I slept off and on all night but got up at 8 AM. Yah. Fucking. Exhausted. I guess that's what I get for running on only a few hours of sleep every night, supplementing it with Monsters. So very glad that I only have two more days of getting up at 4 AM and that my schedule switches to normal times this week. Guh, I was NOT made for being up and active that early. I swear people have to be coded for that shit. 

I found out this morning, before I took the best fucking shower I've ever had (I dunno, it just felt amazing), that if our scale is accurate, I've lost 15 pounds since I moved here. O_O Tha's a lot for a month and a half. I just need to keep it up! I'm sure I won't be losing 10 pounds every month or anything, but it's a good start! Especially when I get better shoes and can start walking. 

So I slept a lot yesterday, as I mentioned before. But it wasn't JUST because I worked all week and was tired. I cried yesterday, pretty hard. It had been nearly two weeks since I cried over him and I guess that my body had just had enough of me shoving it all down and burst. I laid in my bed and pretty much cried until I exhausted myself and feel asleep. I was talking to mom about it too, before I got picked up from work until I laid down. I feel like (and I love all of my friends to death, I really do, but you all tell me what *you* feel and what *you* think I should be doing) she's the only one I can talk to about Chris. She is supportive no matter what I choose to do regarding him, because that's what moms are supposed to do. -nod- Anywho, as I laid there yesterday crying and thinking about everything, I composed this little bit here in my head, to make people understand, or at least try to.

I am still hurting, and I will be for a very long time. I know that, as my friends, you all think that I need to forget him and put it all behind me. And in time, I will. But the wounds are still very fresh and very deep and the healing is taking its sweet time. 
I also know that you all don't have the fondest feelings for him because of what's went on. Hell, his family thinks the same. And I do too.
However, this doesn't change the fact that I still love him, and likely always will. And I do miss him. Do not mistake this though, as me missing the bad stuff, like feeling ignored and taken for granted. 
What I do miss is the comfort, the stability, and the security that he offered. I miss the good parts of him. I miss doing my penguin dance for him when we ate Swedish Fish. I miss him coming up behind me when I was in sweats and a tank top and him telling me that I was sexy, just because, and on that note, the times he told me he thought my tits looked fantastic; now part of that was him just being a man but he knew how much I didn't like them because of how large they are and he did try to help my self-esteem. I miss the times he randomly brought me home treats like candy, movies, or stuffed animals. I miss the way he fiercely guarded and took care of me when I was sick or hurt. But what I miss most of all, more than anything else, is the incredibly strong connection that we had with each other. The ability to look at each other and know what the other was thinking or to finish each others thoughts/say the same thing at the same time multiple times in a row. The bond that we had reached past emotional, mental, and physical; it was a spiritual bond that extended to our souls. I don't expect many of you to understand this, since our beliefs differ from many of yours.
I'm doing my best to move forward, to press onward, and work toward the future. But I'm only human after all. A very emotional human.

Addendum 1: I think I have a five year plan (or a some amount of years plan). As of right now, I'm working and saving as much as humanly possible. Ideally in five months when we plan on going to Madison I'll have saved $2,000. According to mom, I can put $2k down on a new car (Ford Fiesta is what we were looking at, but a Focus would be nice too) and pay $165/month for 60 months on a new car. I could do that and find a job ASAP if I don't have one lined up already and then start school next year. After I finish school, unless something huge comes up in between now and then, I will be moving back home, to Minnesota, to be with my family. 
However! In these next five months, should something huge happen, someone win the lottery, or some other big event occur, I *might* go home this summer. It's all kinda a long story and I'll touch on it more in my next post, but I just wanted to share this bit of info. 

Addendum 2: I was given the assignment to go watch The Lion King from mom this afternoon. She said that I needed perspective and that was the perfect movie to give it. So while I searched for a streamable copy of it, I racked my brain trying to figure out what she meant. And as I sat here and watched it (and cried like a fucking baby when Mufasa died; that really hits home for me) I realized what she meant. And this is what I have to say about it.

Oh, Disney... Ever the giver of perspective, life lessons, and good advice. Now that I had cried a sufficient amount of tears, not just for movie sad but for realizations too... I will leave you all with these quotes from the movie.

"You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life."
"Change is good but it's not easy."
"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it, or learn from it."