Homesick and Sad

-bangs head against wall-
NOTHING.
EVER.
GOES.
ACCORDING.
TO.
PLAN.
IN.
MY.
LIFE.
-screams-
Ever. 

Fuck, I've cried so much today my eyes hurt.

I just want ONE thing to go right. Just one. But that's just too goddamn much to ask. We're right back where I was, two years ago. Hell, there's even a post here about it somewhere.

I thought I was a merely $850 away from going back to school. And then when my income taxes were snatched and not sent to that loan, I made some calls and found out I have -another- loan that I have to pay off to get financial aid. And this one is not just another $850 stint.

Three thousand seven hundred fifty seven dollars and eighty two cents.

Yes, you read that right. $3,757.82. 

Now where the hell am I going to get that kind of money before I want to register for school next year? Yup. That's right. I'm not. 

And there go my plans for being in school by next year and being gainfully employed in the medical field by 2015. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel empty and useless and weak... 

I want to be home, with my family. Home is safe. Home is secure. Home is where I'm not alone. I know you're saying that I have Laura and I love her to death and everything she's doing for me, but there's nothing that replicates the feeling of home. 

That being said.. I guess that this time is as good as any to touch on the subject from my last post about going home. Mom and I did a lot of talking yesterday about my future plans. And about Chris. She told me that things between him and Sarah had progressed on his trip and that she would be making the trip to Minnesota to meet the family (my family... -growls-). She says there is a distinct possibility that he will be moving to Michigan with her at some point within the year. (On that note, if I can't take all three of the girls, he will be taking the older ones and promises their safety and well-being.) 

She and I discussed the option of me coming home and taking Chris' place at the apartment and going to school in Fairmont. I would be lying if I said I didn't want this more than anything. I want to go home. Minnesota, despite all my bitching about the weather and the lack of things to do, is my home through and through. Minnesota is where my family is. Minnesota is where my heart is. 

While not a huge possibility though I'm not discounting it in the least bit, the option of going back this summer is there. And if that were to happen, I would be keeping all of my cats with me, where they belong. And even if I don't go back now and wait until I'm out of school, whenever that is, mom has already said that she would stand behind me and tell Chris to either bring the cats back to me or let me drive and get them. A lot of things are up in the air right now and that makes me nervous because I thrive on security and stability. I'm going to do some praying and meditating and positive thinking here in the coming weeks and months and maybe even throw in a tarot reading for good measure.

Either way, I will go to school, I will have my girls, I will go home, and I will be near my family.