Helping Others + Personal Truths

I love helpings others. I do it all the time. I believe it's my purpose in life to help others. I've thought this for ten years and I will believe it until the day I die. It's a great feeling to have someone come to you of their own volition and ask for your help and your advice. And even if I don't succeed, I know that I tried.

(Just saying, this is the very saddest song ever. I've had it on repeat several times this week, including now.)

However... in doing this... it makes me think about a lot of my own issues, my issues that I try really hard to shove down and ignore, but always seem to find a way of springing back up like, "Surprise! Here I am! Thought you were rid of me, but I'm still here!" 

I have a friend who is having a lot of issues right  now, and because of them, he can't see, talk to, communicate, etc. with his wife all at. And it's killing him. He's so tore up about it and he asked me how to deal with it (I only assume because of my separation from Chris nearly a year ago. Wow... it's almost been an entire year...). And I told him how I deal with it - that I focus on making myself a better person, that I focus on things I love, that I cry and scream and shout and whimper when I'm sad whenever I need to and then I move on. That's how I've been coping with the loss of Christopher as my partner. And believe me, I cry a great deal in regards to him, more than I care to let on. It's very hard being his friend and keeping our boundaries; the other night I made homemade brownies and was so proud and then he messaged me and pulled me into Ventrilo just to talk, nothing else, just wanted to sit and talk. And it was hard... times like that are so fucking hard for me because I just want to scream out "JUST LEAVE HER AND LET ME COME BACK TO YOU, DAMMIT!" But I can't, for obvious reasons. So then I have these awkward silences that I try to cover up with random prattle and the result is me sounding like an idiot. 

I'm getting off topic, kinda. My friend told me that his wife posted the above song on her Facebook this week and when he listened to it, he just lost it. Understandably, it's a very sad song, but when there's a very potential message behind it, well, that makes it a lot worse. I suggested he have a mutual friend talk to her about it, but he says that she's clammed up pretty well and isn't talking to anyone about what happened. So I told him what I keep telling myself - "If I can say anything else... I would say that if you have faith and she has faith, and you two truly and completely believe that you are soul-mates and this is meant to be... then it will. We all face trials and tribulations. If you make it out the other side still standing side by side, your love is only stronger. I know it sounds cliche, but you have to believe. You have to have faith. Just don't give up." 

I know I haven't been very open about the deal with Christopher in the past. It's been for any number of reasons, none of which I care to go into (you all know how to find me outside of my blog; if you wish to know or talk about, seek me out). But the things I told my friend tonight are the very same things I say to myself on a frequent basis. I know that my relationship with him before wasn't perfect. But yanno what? NO relationship is and if you think your shit don't stink and you do have the perfect relationship, you are either goddamn delusional or there are serious issues there that you chose to ignore and try to make it seem like things are perfect. Things could have been better with us; we both could have been better, done things differently. But we were young. We still had a lot of growing up to do. But even through all the bad, I still loved him. And I still do. And I believe with my heart of hearts that he is my soul-mate. In fear of sounding like the damn cliche of WoW, this is just a setback. We needed time to grow the fuck up and get our shit together. And that's what we've been doing. I've grown immensely and matured so much in a year; it was like someone gave me some Miracle-Gro. And he's doing great too; he's been promoted twice in less than a year and is chasing another huge promotion that he's willing to make every sacrifice for - going gameless, loveless, sleepless, anything just to get this promotion and be where he wants to be so that he can have the future he wants with whomever he decides to have it with. And I'm here, just being his friend and not doing anything to try and tip the scales in my favour; I'm merely hoping that fate does it for me. 

I think that's it. I really just needed to ramble and get this all off my chest. I try to write when I'm sad, and right now, I'm very sad. I'm going to curl up in bed with my stuffed animals Amy and Rory (yes, I have renamed them that as of now) and start rewatching Doctor Who.