Yes.
That is exactly how I feel right now.
OK, maybe not -exactly- but pretty damn close.
I am still struggling with my feelings and thoughts for Chris. They're haunting me. I think about him when I'm awake. I think about him when I want to think about him. I think about him when I don't want to think about him. I'm even dreaming about him.
This is getting out of hand, folks.
What in the name of the gods and all things sacred is wrong with me!?
Ridiculous, I tell you. Rigoddamndiculous.
It's so sad... I can't help it, because it's been a habit of nearly two years but every day at 3 PM (which would be 4 PM central) I think to myself "Hm. Chris will be home soon." I wonder what he's doing, how his raiding is going, if he's still playing League, if he finished Voyager and if so what he's watching now, if he ever went and found a new damn stick, how things at work are going for him, etc. I ponder if things will work out with him and Sarah, what he's going to do if they don't, where will he move to, will he come back to Minnesota, will he and I ever get another chance, will he still want me when it's all said and done, will -I- still want him when I'm finished with my transformation (random side note here: I pictured myself doing the whole Sailor Moon transformation when I was typing that). The harder I try to NOT think about it, the more I do. These thoughts creep into my mind; no, they slink, like a little, sneaky cat. The slink when I'm otherwise occupied and when I'm finished with my task it's like 'BOOM, CHRISTOPHER!' Or when my mind is just randomly running with thoughts, I somehow find a way to link them back to him.
It's enough to make you go mad. Hell, I'm already crazy (I think I was born there; I never stood a chance) and this is just worsening the madness.
(Another random side note: When the hell did I start getting so many damn pageviews? It was like one a week and now I'm getting upwards of ten or more a day some days. o_O Dafuq?)
Anyways... Chris. In my head. Where he's been for the past four years and is somehow STILL HERE (which, granted... is because I still want him here, BUT STILL!). Yes. It's obnoxious. And annoying. Irritating. Frustrating. Saddening. Heartbreaking. Enough to make me scream 'til my lungs give out.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Yay for Being Spiritual!
Alright. So. This one is gonna be a short post.
One of the things on my list of goals for the year is to get back in touch with my spiritual side since I've fallen away from the path.
With a little nudge from Tim, I've started back on my path. Yay! -happy dance-
I have finally, after over ten years of practice, chosen my patron deity. Or rather, I have realized that she chose me. For as long as I can remember, I have been inexplicably drawn to the triquetra (more commonly known as the trinity knot or the "Charmed" symbol). I have never known why, I just was. At an SCA event over ten years ago, I bought a triquetra pendent. To this day I have it and I'm even wearing it right now. While I love my pentacle that I've had for about the same amount of time, I've always been more drawn to the triquetra.
Come to find out it's one of the symbols for the Celtic goddess, Brighid. The one that I chose. Or like I said, seemed to have chose me.
She is one of the essential triple goddess in Celtic lore. She represents healing, learning, and inspiration. Brigid presides over births, women’s issues, healing the environment, helping with increasing courage, finding your life purpose or direction, protection, warmth in relationships, warming the body by the hearth and creating warm foods to be eaten for warmth and healing. She is a source for practical knowledge of herbology, hands on healing, and creative expressions of art. Brighid is also a guide in healing of the spirit and body. It is said that she is a sun goddess, which would make sense in my case since I draw my power from the sun.
Her being a Celtic goddess would also explain my fascination with everything Celtic as well.
Once I move and have my own space, I plan on rebuilding my altar from the ground up (I left everything I had in Florida four years ago so it's time to start over and start recollecting).
This is really very exciting for me and I feel it's a big step into becoming who I am again.
One of the things on my list of goals for the year is to get back in touch with my spiritual side since I've fallen away from the path.
With a little nudge from Tim, I've started back on my path. Yay! -happy dance-
I have finally, after over ten years of practice, chosen my patron deity. Or rather, I have realized that she chose me. For as long as I can remember, I have been inexplicably drawn to the triquetra (more commonly known as the trinity knot or the "Charmed" symbol). I have never known why, I just was. At an SCA event over ten years ago, I bought a triquetra pendent. To this day I have it and I'm even wearing it right now. While I love my pentacle that I've had for about the same amount of time, I've always been more drawn to the triquetra.
Come to find out it's one of the symbols for the Celtic goddess, Brighid. The one that I chose. Or like I said, seemed to have chose me.
She is one of the essential triple goddess in Celtic lore. She represents healing, learning, and inspiration. Brigid presides over births, women’s issues, healing the environment, helping with increasing courage, finding your life purpose or direction, protection, warmth in relationships, warming the body by the hearth and creating warm foods to be eaten for warmth and healing. She is a source for practical knowledge of herbology, hands on healing, and creative expressions of art. Brighid is also a guide in healing of the spirit and body. It is said that she is a sun goddess, which would make sense in my case since I draw my power from the sun.
Her being a Celtic goddess would also explain my fascination with everything Celtic as well.
Once I move and have my own space, I plan on rebuilding my altar from the ground up (I left everything I had in Florida four years ago so it's time to start over and start recollecting).
This is really very exciting for me and I feel it's a big step into becoming who I am again.
Monday, April 08, 2013
That bastard is back, it seems...
Yeah, that one. You know which one. He comes to see me occasionally. And when he's around, things get bad.
Still not sure of who I'm talking about? Here, let me arrange an introduction.
Readers, meet depression. Depression, say hello to all my readers.
.
..
...
....
.....
Or, yanno, don't. That works too.
The last week has just been really bad for me and I don't foresee it getting any better at all. I'm growing increasingly upset and irritated about pretty much everything. I've cried more this week than I have in the last month.
I'm suddenly struggling a great deal with my feelings for Chris. I practically cry at the mention of him. This is absurd, ridiculous, outrageous. I should not be doing this. Every logical part of me says that I shouldn't.
Then why is my heart still bleeding for him...
My homesickness is growing at a rapid, unseemly pace. I love my roommates to death but I want my own space. More than anything. I have this... frustration going to family gatherings here because I want MY family. When we went to Easter dinner, her grandma patted me on the shoulder and said "I bet this is really hard for you, isn't it?" You're goddamn right it's hard for me. I wanted to be at home, eating Easter dinner with my family, laughing and joking and having a grand time. Not that I don't appreciate them inviting me to their dinner, but I wanted to be with my own.
I'm struggling with my feelings for Tim too. I really like him and I really want things to work out with us when I feel like I'm ready to give it another go. And yes, there is a spark there. I can feel it. But it's not THE spark. The magical one you feel when you've met someone amazing, like in all the books. One person says that it's just a teenage hormone thing and it's normal to not feel it. Another tells me it is something you will experience no matter what age you are. I felt it with Chris; hell, with him, it wasn't a spark. It was an explosion of fireworks. But I was 19. I'm almost 24 now and a lot more jaded than I was before. I don't know what I should believe.
I've also found that being sick is the best time to cry quietly. No one suspects the sniffles and nose-blowing and red, puffy eyes.
I stopped taking my Prozac, cold turkey. I'm finding this to be a mistake. I thought that I was strong enough to deal with everything. I thought that I was getting better. I thought that I didn't need a crutch to help me. I was wrong, apparently. I'm going to call my doctor today and see if she will refill my script until like.. August/September. Just long enough to get me back home so I can see her and have a check up.
I guess... I just ride it out and wait for it to go away and do the best that I can. It's all I can do.
Still not sure of who I'm talking about? Here, let me arrange an introduction.
Readers, meet depression. Depression, say hello to all my readers.
.
..
...
....
.....
Or, yanno, don't. That works too.
The last week has just been really bad for me and I don't foresee it getting any better at all. I'm growing increasingly upset and irritated about pretty much everything. I've cried more this week than I have in the last month.
I'm suddenly struggling a great deal with my feelings for Chris. I practically cry at the mention of him. This is absurd, ridiculous, outrageous. I should not be doing this. Every logical part of me says that I shouldn't.
Then why is my heart still bleeding for him...
My homesickness is growing at a rapid, unseemly pace. I love my roommates to death but I want my own space. More than anything. I have this... frustration going to family gatherings here because I want MY family. When we went to Easter dinner, her grandma patted me on the shoulder and said "I bet this is really hard for you, isn't it?" You're goddamn right it's hard for me. I wanted to be at home, eating Easter dinner with my family, laughing and joking and having a grand time. Not that I don't appreciate them inviting me to their dinner, but I wanted to be with my own.
I'm struggling with my feelings for Tim too. I really like him and I really want things to work out with us when I feel like I'm ready to give it another go. And yes, there is a spark there. I can feel it. But it's not THE spark. The magical one you feel when you've met someone amazing, like in all the books. One person says that it's just a teenage hormone thing and it's normal to not feel it. Another tells me it is something you will experience no matter what age you are. I felt it with Chris; hell, with him, it wasn't a spark. It was an explosion of fireworks. But I was 19. I'm almost 24 now and a lot more jaded than I was before. I don't know what I should believe.
I've also found that being sick is the best time to cry quietly. No one suspects the sniffles and nose-blowing and red, puffy eyes.
I stopped taking my Prozac, cold turkey. I'm finding this to be a mistake. I thought that I was strong enough to deal with everything. I thought that I was getting better. I thought that I didn't need a crutch to help me. I was wrong, apparently. I'm going to call my doctor today and see if she will refill my script until like.. August/September. Just long enough to get me back home so I can see her and have a check up.
I guess... I just ride it out and wait for it to go away and do the best that I can. It's all I can do.
Friday, April 05, 2013
Being a Grown-Up...
It's really not all it's cracked up to be, I promise.
Sure, we don't have people telling us when to go to bed. We can eat what we want, when we want. And yeah, we can make our own decisions.
Although if you have a job, you usually still have a bed time. And eating whatever you want usually leads to regret and self-hate. And most importantly, decision making is all inclusive; we have to make decisions about EVERYTHING, even if we don't want to.
It's an incredibly frustrating paradox. /scream
When I first made the plan to move back home to Minnesota, I did the math and figured I would be going with ~$3,600. Taking $1,000 for buy a car (or put a payment on one) when I got there would leave me with around $2,500. Still very awesome and enough to last me for a while if the job search went bad OR to have as a good start on a savings for school.
However, as we all know, things NEVER go according to plan. Ever. As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." And indeed, life IS happening. My hours got cut to ridiculous amounts (though hopefully I'll go back to 30 hours/week here soon, which isn't the 40 I had planned on but... better than nothing). And I suddenly got more bills than I had before. With getting the car from Laura and Rob I also inherited a car insurance payment and putting gas in the car (and work is a bit a ways away).
So suddenly I went from taking $3,600 to Minnesota to having $1,900. That is, if I leave in September. If I wait till August, it'll go up to $2,400. And that is before I have to pay for the car, so at that computation I would be left with ~$900 or $1,400. That's not a lot. At all. -_-;;
My departure date is really up in the air right now and is depending on one of two factors: A) When Laura and Rob plan on moving. Or B) When the fall CNA class is being held at St. Luke's. But hell, at this rate, I could save $900 by the middle/end of May. It would almost be more practical to just move then and get into the June class at St. Luke's or try and snag a summer factory job and just pay for the car once I'm stable.
/screams again
I'll figure it out, somehow... I always do. =/
In other news, one of the farm cats gave birth. It wasn't a conventional birth; we think that she just kinda popped one out and walked around and popped another, walked, and then the last one. Well we managed to save two of them right off the bat, a tortoiseshell, Tessa, and a tuxedo, Kaius (yes, I named them). However, Tessa didn't survive past the second day. I took it really hard; she was the one I was going to take home with me and I really liked her because she was coloured like Viani and Anera and she was the one that I found. But Kaius is doing really well so far. He eats like a little piglet, goes potty, has a good set of lungs, and moves around well enough. We have a really good feeling about him. Laura says that if he makes it past the first week he has a good chance.
That's about it, I suppose. I guess I just needed to rant and be angry about being an adult.
Sure, we don't have people telling us when to go to bed. We can eat what we want, when we want. And yeah, we can make our own decisions.
Although if you have a job, you usually still have a bed time. And eating whatever you want usually leads to regret and self-hate. And most importantly, decision making is all inclusive; we have to make decisions about EVERYTHING, even if we don't want to.
It's an incredibly frustrating paradox. /scream
When I first made the plan to move back home to Minnesota, I did the math and figured I would be going with ~$3,600. Taking $1,000 for buy a car (or put a payment on one) when I got there would leave me with around $2,500. Still very awesome and enough to last me for a while if the job search went bad OR to have as a good start on a savings for school.
However, as we all know, things NEVER go according to plan. Ever. As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." And indeed, life IS happening. My hours got cut to ridiculous amounts (though hopefully I'll go back to 30 hours/week here soon, which isn't the 40 I had planned on but... better than nothing). And I suddenly got more bills than I had before. With getting the car from Laura and Rob I also inherited a car insurance payment and putting gas in the car (and work is a bit a ways away).
So suddenly I went from taking $3,600 to Minnesota to having $1,900. That is, if I leave in September. If I wait till August, it'll go up to $2,400. And that is before I have to pay for the car, so at that computation I would be left with ~$900 or $1,400. That's not a lot. At all. -_-;;
My departure date is really up in the air right now and is depending on one of two factors: A) When Laura and Rob plan on moving. Or B) When the fall CNA class is being held at St. Luke's. But hell, at this rate, I could save $900 by the middle/end of May. It would almost be more practical to just move then and get into the June class at St. Luke's or try and snag a summer factory job and just pay for the car once I'm stable.
/screams again
I'll figure it out, somehow... I always do. =/
In other news, one of the farm cats gave birth. It wasn't a conventional birth; we think that she just kinda popped one out and walked around and popped another, walked, and then the last one. Well we managed to save two of them right off the bat, a tortoiseshell, Tessa, and a tuxedo, Kaius (yes, I named them). However, Tessa didn't survive past the second day. I took it really hard; she was the one I was going to take home with me and I really liked her because she was coloured like Viani and Anera and she was the one that I found. But Kaius is doing really well so far. He eats like a little piglet, goes potty, has a good set of lungs, and moves around well enough. We have a really good feeling about him. Laura says that if he makes it past the first week he has a good chance.
That's about it, I suppose. I guess I just needed to rant and be angry about being an adult.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Two Month Update!
It's been a bit since I posted, so I'm going to breeze through some updates before getting to the real meat of this post!
TO THE REAL PART OF THIS! Because so much has happened since I made the initial list I figured I could give a little bit of an update as to how things in my life are panning out.
Let's see where I'm at two months after I initially made this!
~ I have found a job (the fact they keep cutting my hours isn't my fault but I am looking for another FT or a second PT one) and have not called in once (crashing into a snowy ditch doesn't count) even when I was feeling like death.
~ Apparently Laura's scale lies because it says I've lost 20 lbs when in reality the scale at the doctor's yesterday said I haven't lost anything. -_-;;
~ I have taken steps towards fixing my debt and will be able to get financial aid by enrollment next year
~ I found a school with my program close to home
~ Tooth is on hold until debts are in order and I'm back home
~ I'm kinda working on doing things I love. I have a few RP partners that I enjoy and I'm going to learn needlework at some point when I have the spare money.
~ Still kinda up in the air with this finding myself thing... While I haven't completely found myself, I have done an outstanding amount of growth in two months.
~ My spiritual side... Why do you always get pushed to the back burner... This one is actually going to be surprisingly harder than one might think but I AM going to work on it.
~ My self-esteem is slowly rising. I'm trying to put more thought into my image when I go out in public instead of just throwing on sweats and a t-shirt. I know that losing weight will really help this too.
~ Heh... The romance bug... @_@ It bit me, temporarily, but in my heart I knew it was wrong. Still swearing it all off until I am back to being ME.
~ I have my own car! Well, kinda. It's mine to drive around for now and I will be paying off Laura and Rob for it over time. And as of this fall, I will have my own place! Kinda. I will be rooming with Lance (again) but I won't be relying on a man to support me.
~ A friendship with Chris... I honestly don't think this one will happen for a very, very long time. =/ It is what it is.
I'll update again here in another two months or so to see how things are coming along! I think doing it this way will really help. I'm the kind of person who likes to SEE results, so writing it all out helps me to know that I AM getting somewhere.
I finally felt miserable enough to take myself to the doctor. Come to find out I have an amazing sinus infection! That would explain why it feels like someone is jamming ice picks in my ears and why my head wants to explode. I'm on rest, liquids, and antibiotics now so hopefully I'll be healthy as a horse within a week or so. It'll be nice to have a full nights sleep without sniffling, sneezing, coughing, or waking up from pain.
Work is... meh. I only worked one day last week and when I checked the schedule I found that I'm only schedule for three days a week for the next two-three weeks. I went from having a steady, 40 hour/week schedule to not knowing when I'm going to work and scraping up barely 18 hours... Under suggestion from mom, I applied for unemployment for getting my hours cut so drastically. I don't think it's going to work, but it can't hurt. I'm searching for another FT job or a second PT to supplement my hours but it's not going so hot.
Relationships are back to normal, for the most part. Nick got really upset when I started seeing Tim and as much as I tried to smooth it over as much as I could while keeping all parties happy. Well, as I'm slowly learning, I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone and make everyone happy. Right now, it's just about making me happy and doing what's right for me. And that meant telling Tim that we're just going to be friends because I wasn't ready to commit. I think that things are OK with us, Nick and Tim both. At least, I hope they are.
I now have my own car! Well, kinda. I will be driving Rob's car to and from work now and when I have the money I'm going to buy it off them for $1K. It's not my convertible (that my ex got in the break up =/), but it's a car nonetheless! I don't have the money to take it to a car wash/vacuum this week but when I get paid next week I will because it is filthy dirty! I can, however, scrub the insides, maybe today if I feel up to it.
I called today and arranged a debt rehabilitation program for my bigger loan that I talked about before. I'll be paying $55 a month for 12 months and it will be transferred to another collector at that time. After six months, I'll be eligible for financial aid again. After 9 months, it will come out of default and become current. This is good, great, awesome! I will be able to get into school next fall. ^_^
Let's see where I'm at two months after I initially made this!
~ I have found a job (the fact they keep cutting my hours isn't my fault but I am looking for another FT or a second PT one) and have not called in once (crashing into a snowy ditch doesn't count) even when I was feeling like death.
~ Apparently Laura's scale lies because it says I've lost 20 lbs when in reality the scale at the doctor's yesterday said I haven't lost anything. -_-;;
~ I have taken steps towards fixing my debt and will be able to get financial aid by enrollment next year
~ I found a school with my program close to home
~ Tooth is on hold until debts are in order and I'm back home
~ I'm kinda working on doing things I love. I have a few RP partners that I enjoy and I'm going to learn needlework at some point when I have the spare money.
~ Still kinda up in the air with this finding myself thing... While I haven't completely found myself, I have done an outstanding amount of growth in two months.
~ My spiritual side... Why do you always get pushed to the back burner... This one is actually going to be surprisingly harder than one might think but I AM going to work on it.
~ My self-esteem is slowly rising. I'm trying to put more thought into my image when I go out in public instead of just throwing on sweats and a t-shirt. I know that losing weight will really help this too.
~ Heh... The romance bug... @_@ It bit me, temporarily, but in my heart I knew it was wrong. Still swearing it all off until I am back to being ME.
~ I have my own car! Well, kinda. It's mine to drive around for now and I will be paying off Laura and Rob for it over time. And as of this fall, I will have my own place! Kinda. I will be rooming with Lance (again) but I won't be relying on a man to support me.
~ A friendship with Chris... I honestly don't think this one will happen for a very, very long time. =/ It is what it is.
I'll update again here in another two months or so to see how things are coming along! I think doing it this way will really help. I'm the kind of person who likes to SEE results, so writing it all out helps me to know that I AM getting somewhere.
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