October Journalception!

1. Who is the last person you spent quality time with?
Chris, maybe? I think? I dunno.

2. Who did you hug today?
Chris.

3. Describe your day in one word.
Cold.

4. How are you?
Today? Particularly miserable. It's getting cold so my fibro is acting out. Our heat doesn't work. I'm exhausted from crappy sleep and working; by the end of this week, it will have been seven days on, one off (that I used to run errands and go to doctors), four on. And I'm bored and jealous and feeling a little lonely.

5. Did you do more talking or listening today?
Listening. But that's most days.

6. How much is a gallon of gas?
3.16

7. What was the last stupid thing you did?
Apparently be the source of drama.

8. What’s the next book you are going to read?
Some Scottish romance novel I got on Kindle Unlimited.

9. What was the mistake?
Choosing the cheap, fast mechanic over the quick, expensive one.

10. What was the last gift you gave?
Journals to Heather.

11. What is your mission?
To be freaking awesome.

12. If others described how you acted today in one word, it would be _________.
Calm.

13. What is your current bank balance?
$65ish dollars

14. Describe the last piece of furniture you purchased.
An office chair.

15. What time did you wake up this morning?
The first time, when Chris' alarm went off at 6 AM. Then again around 9:30.

16. Describe the last time you were embarrassed.
I honestly have no idea.

17. How did you improve yourself today?
I did my physical therapy.

18. How much time did you spend outside today?
Almost none.

19. In one year from today, what word do you hope best describes your life.
Married.

20. Who in your life is crazy talented? What is their talent?
Chris- writing. Morgan – drawing. Mom – advice giving.

21. What do you wish there was more of in the world?
Cheesecake. Everyone would be happy with cheesecake.

22. My favorite sound is _________________ .
Silence.

23. What impact do you hope to have on the world?
I hope that I am remembered as a kind, compassionate, funny, and loyal friend.

24. If you made laws, what one would you make today?
I would make it so it wasn't so hard for fibromyalgia patients to get disability.

25. Describe your last life-changing moment.
Being diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

26. What opportunity are you waiting for?
To... get my hair done?

27. How many emails did you have today?
Maybe a dozen? Mostly junk.

28. What is the last movie you saw?
I honestly have no idea. I haven't done a lot of TV watching recently.

29. Are you settling for something?
Kinda... =/

30. What is standing in your way?
A lot of things.

31. What was the happiest headline in the news today?
A woman awoke from a coma and gave birth.

Living With Fibromyalgia, an Autoimmune Disease

So, for those of you that don't know, I finally got  my fibromyalgia diagnosis in September from the pain management doctor I went to see. It was a bitter sweet victory; I was finally able to get the treatment that I need. But the diagnosis meant it was real, and that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life. The doctors there have been incredibly accommodating with me. They started me on Cymbalta, which has helped. They've also given me strong muscle relaxants to help me sleep, and pain killers for bad days. 

They also prescribed me exercise (walking and swimming, if I can) and physical therapy. Now, I wasn't thrilled about the PT, but since everyone says it's going to help me, I went along with it. My first session was last week and they gave me six simple stretches to do. Even that made me sore and especially since it's getting cold, I'm having more and more bad days. So I'm just doing what I can. Yesterday, I went in to physical therapy and my therapist added five new exercises to my regimen. And while I was there, she pushed me -really- hard. The sore didn't start to creep in until late last night but when I woke up this morning, I hurt everywhere, worse than my normal fibro hurt everywhere. Which makes me not want to go on my walk. Or do my PT for the day. 

It's so fucking hard, dealing with this stupid illness that I never asked for. They say that movement will help me feel better, but how am I supposed to be motivated to get up and move when I feel like I was hit by a semi-truck in my sleep? And the fatigue doesn't help either because I just wanna sleep all the time. 

I'm so angry with myself over this. My fibro doctor has been fantastic with me and has prescribed me the Cymbalta, which is helped take my pain down a notch or two and given me more energy. But my scumbag brain converts this into, "Hey! You're feeling better! Let's go do all the things you can't normally do!" And then I feel awful and suffer for days because I pushed myself too hard. This has happened several times, and Chris keeps telling me that I need to slow the fuck down and stop overdoing it because I'm not helping anyone when I do too much and put myself out of commission.

I used to have this dream, as a child and a teenager even, that I was going to be the perfect housewife. I would be a Stepford Wife (or for those of you that share my guilty pleasure of Desperate Housewives, a Bree Vandekamp). The house would always be clean, we'd always have a home-cooked meal, everything would be perfect. And then I was struck with fibromyalgia and my dreams of that flew right out the window. 
And for the most part, I've accepted that things will never be the way they once were. But last week, I had a -really- good day. So I went on a cleaning spree and cleaned the entire downstairs of my house. And I felt AMAZING, because I could look around and see an empty sink, mopped floors, throw pillows and blankets where they should be, clothes in the hamper not the floor. And I was so sad... because I knew that this was never something I'd be able to keep up. That I will always have dirty dishes in the sink, clothes and blankets everywhere, dust bunnies and cat food on the floors. I felt absolutely dreadful the day after this, because there were several times where I told myself to stop, but that little nagging voice kept saying, "Just a little more!" So I kept doing just a little more, until I finished.

I know that it's irrational to be angry with myself over my illness. There is no one to be angry with over this. But that doesn't mean that I don't get angry with this, with dealing with this disease and everything that goes along with it. A friend of mine finally got to see two of his favourite bands and told me if they ever toured near me, I should take the chance to go. I told him that because of my illness, I wouldn't be able to go. My concert-going days were over because the crowds make my anxiety sky-rocket, the standing/sitting in the stadium hurts me, and the noise is just too much. I've come to accept most of these things; a common coping method for this is to just tell yourself that it would be just as fun as it once was, and to capture the memory of doing it when you were well enough to. 

For the most part, I do that. I fondly remember going to theme parks and wandering around all day long without any pain. Attending concerts and jumping and screaming for hours on end. Girl's night out at the Castle, dancing in tight dresses and boots until 2 AM. 

Now days, instead of heels, I get excited over slippers and house shoes. Instead of new jeans, I frequently buy sweat pants and pajamas. I've come to accept that I need to get around to buying an "old lady" bra to help with my posture. I have a box filled with pill bottles next to my bed, and a pill taking regimen every day, including an alarm to remind me in the afternoons. My friends and family know that they can't push me too hard and that they need to give me time to rest after activities of any sort rather than jumping from one thing to the other. Naps are a common occurrence around these parts and my housemates know that my chores will be completed when I have the energy to do so.

I have had to make huge life changes because of this disease. Chris and the rest of my family have had to make adjustments for me. Chris especially has had to do this; I know from watching my parents that dealing with a chronically ill spouse is no easy feat. It's trying on your nerves, on your energy, on your sex drive, on scheduling. There are a lot of things he's had to change, including his expectations of me and what I can and can't do. I can fault him for a lot of things and a lot of the time, he's a douchebag. But he's a saint for sticking with me and being there for me through my illness, even knowing that it'll never get better, only worse. 

Fibromyalgia has done a lot of things to me. It's changed me, it's made me have to adapt to a different lifestyle. But it won't take away who I am. If anything, I'm a stronger person because of it. 

I am a fibromyalgia warrior and I refuse to succumb to this war on my body.

September Journalception!

1. What decision do you wish you didn’t have to make?
I honestly don't know. The decision to make myself go to bed early I guess.

2. What are you questioning?
Nothing, really.

3. What was the most recent thing you learned?
That my neuropathy in my leg may be tied to my fibro.

4. Where would you like to go?
Bed.

5. The last doctor’s appointment you made was because ___________.
of my pain, which led to getting my fibro diagnosis.

6. Name 3 things you should have done today.
Play D&D. Eat delicious food. Enjoy my birthday!

7. What is the last thing you felt guilty about?
Uhhhh... I honestly can't say because I don't know.

8. My life would be easier if __________________.
I didn't have to deal with fibro.

9. Does anyone owe you money?
Yeah, Lance and Heather, for rent and bills.

10. When is the last time you intentionally ‘wasted’ a day?
I don't often waste days. It appears that I do, but I'm either resting because of my fibro, or I'm enjoying my time doing nothing.

11. What is your favorite gadget?
My Kindle.

12. The computer I use the most is _______________________.
It's a toss up. I use all three of my computers about equal.

13. How did you spend your free time today?
Shopping in Mankato.

14. Were you stressed today? Why?

I'm stressed everyday. It's just become part of my personality.

15. What was the last thing you said to another person?
Love you, good night.

16. Who threw the last party you went to?
Uhh... I don't go to parties.

17. What went perfectly about your day?
So far, nothing.

18. How old do you feel?
A lot older than I should. =/

19. OMG! __________________.
It's Friday!

20. What pressure did you feel today?
None. It's Saturday and I didn't have any obligations.

21. The last gift I’ve received was ________________.
Shoes and a nightgown from mom.

22. If you could change today would you?
Yeah. I wouldn't have woke up so early.

23. I believe ___________________.
in me.

24. What do you wish you could have skipped today?
Work

25. Were you in control of your day?
For the most part

26. What made today worthwhile?
Knowing that Chris got his promotion

27. Were you a good listener today?
I'm always a good listener.

28. I never ______________________.
cheated on a significant other.

29. Have you broken the law? How so?
Sure. I speed, I don't wear my seatbelt, I've ran stop signs before, drank and smoked underage.

30. Were you bored today?
I have moments of boredom most days.

And for a real post this time!

It's been three months, I know! I've been updating with you guys with my Journalceptions but I haven't really made any big posts about anything, keep for Vanquisher. 

Let's see here.. I did make it out to Detroit to pick up Chris and Winry (baby cat). On my way there, I stopped to see Sam and crash at her place. We stayed up half the night reminiscing about our wild days (wow, I'm getting old). >< It was fantastic seeing her; I really wish that she lived closer. But I made it there and we made it home in one piece. It was nerve wracking as fuck, driving while pulling his car behind us. Oh man, I was terrified. And we had to drive over SO MANY DAMN BRIDGES! 

And then we moved into our new house. I'll try to get the place cleaned up and post some before and after pictures at some point. We only have two rooms painted (bathroom and living room) but the bedroom and kitchen will come along whenever everyone has a free weekend. There are some things about the house that drive me crazy, like the fact that the hot water pressure upstairs is awful and takes FOREVER to fill the tub. Literally 20 minutes. By that time, my interest is gone. And when I shower, it's a constant compromise. I can have a hot shower OR I can have water pressure; I don't get both. Our living room is a bit small (though that might be because we have a monster couch). The stairs suck for me because obvious reasons. But otherwise, it's not too bad. Heather moved in with us today, though she'll be staying with Zach til she can get a bed.

I quit my job at Marketlink this week. It felt glorious. It was amazing, really. I played Final Countdown all day before I emailed my resignation. I am SO fucking glad to be gone from the hellhole. I, obviously, have a new job as well. I start next week with another, better work from home company; they provide customer service and tech support for various clients. I'll be working for Hallmark. I'm pretty excited for it. I have to work every weekend in December and one weekend each in October and November, but other than that, Monday through Friday. I can be schedule anytime between 11 AM and 7 PM. So it's a pretty awesome schedule. They're even sending me my own computer so I don't have to use my personal one! How awesome is that!?

I finally got a referral to a pain management doctor, that I'm going to see next week in Mankato. Now, granted it's not for my fibromyalgia, it's for the nerve issue in my leg. But I'm fairly certain that once they look over my paperwork and records and examine me they'll determine that I have fibro. Which is great, because hopefully that'll mean I can start getting some kind of treatment. One of mom's friends sent her an article he ran across recently in his research about how gastric bypass surgery can reduce fibro symptoms by up to 90%. Once I've been seeing this doctor a while, I'm going to bring it up. Losing weight is incredibly hard for me and this will help get over that huge hump. 

I have writing partners! Five of them! It's really amazing and I'm having a really good time with them. I found them all on Elliquiy. It's an adult roleplaying forum that has pretty much anything you're looking for. Currently, I'm running one WoW story, one modern supernatural story, and three fantasy stories. Aaaaannnnndddd.... Chris and I have started working on a new world for us to play Saidrym and Draekyn in. Yay! I'm so stoked about that. I'm having a commission done of them and as soon as I have it, I'll post it here. 

Oh, and I'm turning 25 next weekend!

I'm pretty sure that's it for now. So much has happened in the last few months. This year is looking up to be a good one, IMO.

August Journalception!

1. What did you have for lunch today?
Nothing. Lost my keys so I can't go buy groceries and my cabinets are pretty well empty.

2. What did you let go of?
Apparently my keys, since it's day three of them being MIA.

3. What is the one thing you want to accomplish tomorrow?
Clean the house.

4. What was the last gift you gave?
Chris' birthday present – a full set of Earthen Dragon Balls.

5. The last time I exercised ____________________.
Hah! I went walking with Chris a couple weeks ago. And painting rooms and moving is a work out. So a few times of the last few weeks.

6. What did you create today?
Mac and cheese! And I started working on an application while learned C#.

7. What memories did you think about today?
Hrm... I'm not sure that I did. It was a bad pain day and I was just focusing on getting through that.

8. What is the last risk you took?
Taking a new job.

9. What made you compromise?
Lol... drinking the last pop with Chris. And going home but only if he drove.

10. Who do you look up to?
Jeanette mom.

11. On a scale of 1-10 my day was a __________.
3. I caught a cold or something over the weekend so I've spend the day sleeping with a fever.

12. What did the last text message you received say?
I honestly think it was a text to myself that the cats accidentally sent.

13. Do you owe anyone money?
Oh yes. Tons. Somewhere in the ten thousand range.

14. What is your own favorite physical feature?
Eyes or lips.

15. What was the worst thing you ate today?
So far I've only had banana muffins and those weren't too bad!

16. I hope no one was looking when I _______________.

Totally snuck some of the mixed drinks before pouring them. Quality control! Had to make sure that they tasted OK!

17. How many miles did you drive/ride today?
Two, up to the store and home.

18. Who was the first person you saw today?
Chris, same person I see every day when I wake up.

19. What’s your biggest phobia?

A toss up between water/drowning and being alone/

20. What was your first full thought this morning?

“I still feel like shit. When is this flare going to end...”

21. How full is your fridge?

Not very >< It's kinda that time of the month when funds are scarce.

22. What was the last healthy thing you did for yourself?

Took vitamins?

23. What did you have to wait for today?

Dinner? Cookies to finish baking?

24. What did you win?

Uhhhh... Someone else paid for me to do my laundry?

25. Who had the biggest influence on your day?

My fight with Christopher as soon as I woke up this morning. Really put me in a pisser.

26. What can you learn from today?

That when I'm hungry, even the most mediocre things taste good.

27. What was the highest point of your day today?

Knowing that today, I quit my shithole of a job.

28. Did you pay it forward?

I can hardly pay it, let alone pay it forward.

29. What would you like to learn more about?

A lot of things, actually. Photography mainly. If I was more science-minded, I'd say forensics but most of that is so hard for me to grasp since I am not for science.

30. What new TV show do you refuse to watch?

Anything Jersey Shore/Kardashianesque.

31. How much is a gallon of milk?
4.50, give or take depending on where/when you buy it.