Time for my weekly update! Hell, I don't even know when the last time I posted was. I'm just making it a point to come on here often and at least make a small post.
Started work at Maverick. It's full time (yay) but the hours leave a little to be desired (boo). I'm off Mon/Tues, 6-2 Wed/Thur, and 5-1 Fri-Sun. Lemme just tell you, getting up at 4 AM should be morally, ethically, and legally wrong. Wrong, I tell you! Anyways. Work is busy 95% of the time. It's pretty ridiculous. I only get one 15 minute break, which is a huge difference from the last place I worked at. I hurt and I'm tired, but at least my fatigued and pain is warranted now. =/ Not that there's anyone here to say different or bitch about it.
I had my first adventure in driving in the snow yesterday as well. Came down a hill going 40, hit the snow just right, and went spinning out of control into a very deep ditch. It wasn't even 5 AM, pitch black, and freezing. I called Laura and she came to get get me, but I had apparently drained the battery. It was terrifying; I cried hysterically and couldn't stop shaking. I called into work since we had no way to get me there, came home, and crashed for three hours. I don't ever want to drive in the snow again.
I pretty well can't wait to have a steady income. I set up a monthly bill list last night and until my loan is paid off, it'll be $650/month for just bills and savings. Once we move to Madison, things will be a little different since we'll have real bills to pay there and I'll be pitching in a lot more. I have plans drawn up for two tattoos; one very soon, and another when I graduate from the surgical tech program. These are the pictures my designs will be based on.
The lily will be on my inner left arm and represents growth and development. The caduceus will be on my inner left ankle (probably) and will represent my profession.
But yeah... it'll be nice to have money again. My *own* money. That I don't have to share with someone or have to ask to spend it. Freedom. It tastes... kinda good.
But on that note... =/ Meh. I'm still very sore about this thing with Chris and his going to see Sarah. -shakes head- I may or may not have done something a bit immature and messaged her older brother and said some choice things about Chris and to make sure he stays away from his sister. Yeaaahhh... That got back to Chris and it got ugly. He didn't have a chance to get to me, thank the gods, because I'm pretty sure that would have been a fight with irreversible damage. I'm going to leave him be for the time. I'm sure that he's still greatly angry at me for what I did and I need time to just get over him and move on. At some point, I'd like us to be friends enough where we can talk and RP with each other but I have no high hopes that will come anytime in the near future.
On the note of RPing and him... Before anything, I'd like to share a quote with you to help you better understand where I'm going with this.
"Writers aren't exactly people... They're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person." -F. Scott Fitzgerald
I believe this with every fiber of my being. Being a writer and an RPer, I have a plethora of characters up in my head. They're their own people, with their own wants, needs, personalities, and baggage. To best describe it to someone [read: everyone] not in my head, I have this house. It's a fairly large house, similar to a mansion. I have separate wings for each universe that I write/RP in and in each wing, these characters reside. They interact with each other (and with others as well) and even more so, they talk to me. When Chris and I were together, this is sometimes how we RPed (it's just essentially LARPing) and sometimes one of us would talk to one of the other's characters (I was particularly fond of his Aven and he chose to talk to my Sai because she's the closest to my heart and can get through to me more than any of the others). So before I left, he spoke to Sai and told her that she *had* to support me and help me get through this, because without her, it would be incredibly difficult. Well... There's only one teensy, tiny problem with this. Sai is romantically involved with one of his characters, Draekyn. Not just some fling either; they are both head over heels for each other. And the break up has been very hard on her, and Draekyn from what I understand. And as of recently, she's been pretty selfish and unwilling to help me move on, because she's clinging to hope for Draekyn. So the other night she and I had a long talk. I pretty much said "Suck it up, buttercup, and stop being a selfish wench. Help me, and I'll help you." I'm not usually harsh with her, but I thought a firm hand was going to be the only thing that worked.
SO HERE COMES THE ACTUAL POINT OF MY STORY!
I'm at work today and it's slow at this point so I'm not really doing anything. All of a sudden, Sai starts singing to me. Now, she's not terrible in any sort; however, she's no professional either. She starts singing to me "King of Wishful Thinking." For those unfamiliar with the song, the chorus goes something like this:
"I'll get over you, I know I will.
I'll pretend my ships not sinking.
And I'll tell myself that I'm over you,
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking."
She didn't say anything after she finished, but I'm fairly sure that it was about Draekyn and she's trying to make me feel better. It was very cute and amusing. I just hope... for her sake... that Chris and I can come to an agreement about them.
And lastly, an update on my 'like-interest' (not love interest because we don't know each other well enough for that). Things with Nick and I... are complicated. At best. We're growing a lot closer each day and it's making things tougher for each of us. The flirting has crossed the line we established (or tried to) once but it wasn't... a big deal to either of us? Hell, he initiated it and I just went with it (although I did fight the urge to at first). He's getting very fed up with his partner and I'm doing my best to be supportive while hold my stance that I'm interested in him. We [grudgingly] made an agreement a few days ago to cut back the flirting and keep a strictly platonic relationship. Yeeaaahh... that only last a few days... -shrugs- It is what it is. I'm not holding my breath for him; as much as I would adore to meet him and see the physical chemistry between us (since we have the rest of it down to a science)... I'm just not sure if that's going to be the ways things go, unfortunately. We'll see...
And so this post ended up being a lot longer than I had intended.. I apparently had a fuckton to say. @_@
Oi... Some days it just doesn't even feel worth it anymore. But I'll start with the good news first.
I got a job! -dances- Yay for income! It's a full-time morning shift at a convenience store (my title is Adventure Guide, lulz) paying $8/hour. So with the only bills I have to pay being my cell phone, rent, and my loan, I should be peachy on saving money. It's been four years since I had MY own money; it'll feel nice to have that freedom again and I won't ever let another man (or woman) take that away from me.
I already have a list of things that I want/need to buy (namely a good pair of shoes) but I'm going to try and spread it out so I don't blow my first few paychecks all to hell.
Oh! And I have a phone! My first smartphone! ^_^ I'm having a blast with it.
As for the bad news... -shakes head- I was thoroughly shocked, and still am, when I got this news.
Chris is going to Michigan for a week to see Sarah. Like.. this week. And has had it planned for two weeks now.
Here's a little math problem for you. If we've been apart for a month, and I left three weeks ago, and this trip has been planned for two, tell me what doesn't add up here.
Yah, I thought so.
Now, you all don't know the story of Sarah. Before I only detailed Robin. But the Cliff Notes version of her story is that the last time Chris and I broke up, she swooped in and tried to make her move on him right after the break up (though I have firm suspicions it was before that). When I tried to be the bigger person (before I knew the aforementioned) and make nice with her, this is what she said to me: "I wouldn't go trying to mend bridges with me when I'm just about to burn them anyways. Chris and I have grown very close..." Stupid good for nothing whore. So anyways, when I moved back with him, she stopped talking to him. The subject was dropped. Oh well. So after we broke up he refriended her on Facebook and they started talking and, well, the rest is apparent.
He's going to see her for a week and test a relationship. If it works, she's going to see him (and presumably) move in this summer...
Alright. So. Let's see...
I had my interview at the hospital for the laundry gig yesterday. It was a short affair; she showed me the work area, let me meet with the girls that were on shift at the time, and told me about the job. She told me she's going to coordinate a time for all the members of the laundry staff to meet me and do a second interview.
I also had a call back today from the manager at the convenience store in town. I put the application in last night and got a call back today; it gives me me some hope that I'll get this job. I've done this type of stuff before so I know it won't be hard. The pay is $8/hour; not sure on the hours, but I can assume it's similar to the shifts at Super America. Here's to hoping I can get a hold of the lady tomorrow, get an interview and get the job. In all honesty, I'd prefer this one to the other.
After my interview on Monday we went to L's little sister's band concert. It was short and cute; reminded me of my middle/high school days. As we were leaving and going to get in the truck, I slipped on a patch of ice, tripped on the curb, and went tumbling. At the time, it didn't seem like much, just a little sore and a twisted ankle. But this morning... My entire right arm is throbbing, I can't lift it very high, and using it for pretty much anything hurts. =/ In addition, on Friday when we dyed my hair, I took a pretty bad fall in the shower. Well... out of the shower is more accurate. I lost my footing, went flying, tried to right myself, fell out of the tub (taking the curtain and rod along with me), and slammed my head into the wall as I landed on the floor, naked, wet, and sprawled out on a shower curtain. Gave L a pretty bad scare. My vision was blurry until the next morning and I had a pretty bad headache up until last night. I really need to learn some grace...
And for the last topic... As I mentioned before, I found this guy, N, who is really awesome. Well we've been making a habit of crossing that obscure, wavy line. We RPed last night and it was the first romantic, sexual scene we've had. The RP itself was really great; we both thoroughly enjoyed it. However... I had a great deal of emotions overcome me afterwards and I came straight out and told him how much I liked him and how I wished he wasn't involved with someone who didn't appreciate him. Needless to say... It ended poorly. I cried, he got upset because I was upset, there was a lot of awkwardness, and then we both just went to bed. This was what he wrote me this morning when I woke up:
"I just... I don't know what to say. It's really great that we have so much in common, and I wonder what life might be like with different circumstances. Yet, I'm not currently single, and even I was, I think I'm much too dependent on physical touch and closeness (not to mention being kind of jealous) for anything long distance to possibly work. I understand you're saddened by the situation, but I don't really know what I can do to help. I feel like I'm in a position with no possible positive outcomes. I like you a lot, and I feel terrible making you upset."
So yeah... That's how that went down. We agreed to just put it behind us and move on with our lives as per normal. We still plan on talking and RPing and flirting, but... I've resolved to just not bring it up anymore... He's incredibly unhappy with life right now and the three main factors are his career, his relationship, and his place of living. I couldn't fix his career problems... but he could move with me, to Madison. That would solve two of the three...
Who the fuck am I kidding? I am such a hopeless romantic it's not even funny. I'm not even sure why I entertain those thoughts... but I need to get a grip and put a stop to it. Like fo' srs.
Wynter.
Wutr u doin?
Wynter.
Stahp.
Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Holy dear gods, has it been a long time since I posted. I'll give you a quick Cliffnotes timeline here of everything that has happened. (Brace yourselves, this is going to be a very long post.)
October 2011 - We moved into our own place! Yay! I also got a job at Subway.
Nothing too exciting happened during the holidays so we'll skip to February.
February 2012 - We got a car! Wewt! We now have our own transportation.
March 2012 - I get a ticket for not having insurance (that I was LITERALLY on my way to the office to get). Wonderful. $300 that we really didn't have but made it work anyway! Also got another job and quit Subway.
April 2012 - We scrape up the money for me to take a road trip to see my friend Laura in Wyoming. Had a fucking blast there; it was good to get away from home for a bit. Also found out that I have a fucked up nerve in my leg, causing all my pain.
May 2012 - Our three year anniversary. And I got my baby cat, Misa Misa!!! <3
Nothing really happened (that I can remember the rest of May and June so skip to July).
July 2012 - Had a for serious pregnancy scare. Like, we were sure it was happening. Holy gods, it was scary. x_x But then it turned out it was a false positive and I was incredibly upset. I cried for a good while. BUT THEN! C proposed to me!!! Yay, wedding!
August/September 2012 - Nothing exciting, just our 23rd birthdays. Finally drug myself to the doctor about my PMS (come to find out it's PMDD); she put me on Prozac and gave me a birth control implant to replace my pills.
October 2012 - Things start to get rocky here. C and I are fighting, a lot. It's bad. I find myself crying in the bathroom or in the car more often than not. I'm having a really hard time with my job as well; the drive (40 miles each way) is ridiculous, gas prices are sky-rocketing, I'm tired and in pain all the time (more about that in a moment), and my boss is a fuckwaffle.
November 2012 - Relationship is still severely rocky. Many fights have erupted into screaming matches which leave C angry and me crying in the other room. After counseling with his mother, we decide to make some compromises and work things out. C's best friend, L, has decided he's going to come live with us next month in our spare room. I also decide to leave my job and attempt to find another halfway through this month, due to all the pain. The pain and fatigue and depression... Well, after much research and talking with C's mom, we're pretty sure that I have fibromyalgia. I went to the doctor, she says that I'm just fat, sleep too much, and need a job. Whore... I plan to go to other doctors and plead my case to see if they will listen to me.
December 2012 - L comes to live with us, things seem to be going great with C and I. No more fighting, we both seem (remember that, seem...) happy. Christmas and New Years comes and goes. No news on the job front. There were some issues between us (the fight about having kids, about me not having a job, our sex life, etc). Mom comes over for mediation, we both voice our concerns and talk them out, find solutions, voila! Things seem better (I tell you, keep that in mind).
January 2013 - Now... Here's the fun part. C starts to seem withdrawn. He stops doing a lot with me. He's moved his desk into the other room. He spends more time RPing with people from Darknest than he spends time with me. I apparently have my blinders on and refuse to see anything bad coming. I do my best to ignore the signs, talking to my friend, L, all the time. Immersing myself in leveling a new character and RPing. And then... that fateful day. I will post the journal that I made elsewhere so that I don't miss any details on this.
Three weeks ago, C decided that he no longer wanted to continue with our relationship. He told me that he was unhappy and he didn't believe that we were headed down the same path. It's taken me a surprisingly short time to come to terms with this and to understand where he was coming from. I understand why he did what he did, though the understanding doesn't make the pain any less.
I took a week to pack my things and say my good-byes before leaving for Wyoming to live with my best-friend, L. The good-byes were the hardest part for I didn't just leave Minnesota. I left my home, my cats (who are like children to me), my family, and one of my dearest, best friends that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm not as young as I once was, so I'm not ruled entirely by raging, teenage hormones that make one blow things entirely out of proportion. The break up this time feels different. I have speculated and pondered it a great deal, trying to figure out why things feel different. Perhaps I knew it was coming subconsciously. Perhaps I'm just growing older and more mature. Perhaps I'm skipping through the mourning stage a lot faster than I once did. Whatever the reason, it's different. This isn't to say that it hurts less, because that's sure as hell not the case. This hurts more than I ever thought imaginable and honestly, has dealt me some serious issues that are going to take a lot of time and effort to correct.
However, I'm not viewing this as a complete and utter downfall and failure in my life. I am taking this time to do a lot of things that I've really been meaning to do and that I think will truly help me grow. Here's the [ever-growing] list:
~ Find and keep a stable job
~ Lose weight (End goal is 100 lbs)
~ Try to fix debt (Or at least enough to get back into school)
~ Go back to school for something I *want* (Which will be surgical technician)
~ Get tooth fixed
~ Do things that I love (namely the SCA)
~ Find myself (however that may be)
~ Get in touch with my spiritual side
~ Work on my [serious] self-esteem issues
~ Swear off romance for a good, long while (going to *try* for the whole year)
~ Work on getting a vehicle and my own place
~ Try to maintain a friendship with C (I done goofed and failed this one, but I'm taking steps to fix it)
That's it, ladies and gents. So far, I've had a really great support system helping me through this, and support has come in places that I least expected it. Doing a lot of these things is going to have to wait until July, when we make our move to Madison, WI, and settle down there. But in the mean time, I'm doing what I can while I heal.
And I know that this is not an injury that I can stitch up and slap a bandage on. This isn't even minor surgery with a few days in an out-patient room. This was a serious, life-changing trauma that will not be easy to heal. It's going to take love and support from friends and family. It will take therapy in various forms. Much adjusting and adapting will be required. There has been and will be many tears shed. But mostly... it's going to take time. Lots of time.
So yeah... that's pretty much where we stand right now. I have a preliminary interview on Monday for a laundry gig at the hospital; while I'm not getting the experience that I need for my field, it'll be in a hospital nonetheless so hopefully I'll pick some things up. I feel pretty good about the job thing. In other news, I'm growing my hair back out (yay for long hair!), trying to work on caring what I look like and not looking like a scrub all the damn time, and well, doing my best to better myself.
-shifty eyes- I know I said before that I was going to swear off romance. And I still am! I am very much single. However... I've found this guy. We'll call him N. He's someone that I RP with and since the break up, he and I have grown very close. We've found that we can talk to each other very easily and confide in one another. He tells me about his relationship issues (his very serious issues...) and it's strange... because it's a lot like my relationship with C, so in hindsight I understand a lot that went on with us. And the more I learn about N... the more I like him. He's a really great guy. We're into a lot of the same things (unlike his woman), we click really well, and he's just awesome. So of course there's the obligatory flirting (that has, as he put it, created this obscure, wavy line) and well... I'm doing my best to be his friend and give him advice all the while not trying to push my own agenda, per-say, but let him know that I'm here for him should he ask.
I'm pretty sure that's all. Sorry for being long-winded and not giving a TL;DR, but there's really just too much information here to do that. Will likely be back to post within the week. ^_^
Mood: Upset
Listening to: Some trance Pandora station
Reading: Mists of Avalon
Watching: -
Playing: -
Eating: -
Drinking: Water
I am so incredibly sad today. No, it's not because of 9/11. And this is probably all amplified by the fact that I have legendary PMS.
C swears that we will never have children. He used to. When he was with his ex, H, they planned out everything - wedding, honeymoon, children, their entire lives. But with me... he sticks to his guns that we will never have children and if by some freak chance that it happens, there will be only two options - abortion or adoption.
I spoke with his mother about this this the other day when we went shopping. She says that he's just young and selfish and that once he grows up and gets away from his sisters for good, things will change.
But we had an argument about something his mom did/said to his sister. I agreed with her, he didn't. And as we sat and debated/argued (I don't even know the difference with us anymore) I asked what we would do if it ever came down to our kid and he said that wouldn't happen. I stated that we're speaking in a purely hypothetical world and he said that my argument was totally invalid because we were never going to have children, at all, whatsoever.
And at that point, I wanted to cry.
I'm not saying that I want to go and get pregnant right now, because I don't. I know that neither one of us are ready for a child (mentally, emotionally, financially). But at some point in my life... I'd like to have a kid. But if he stays his ground, I'll never have one.
I'm trying really hard to keep a poker face and not break down into tears, because this is really hurting me. But I can't let him know, because that will just spark a fight all on its own and that's one of the reasons that we broke up before...
Guess I just have to suck it up and deal.
