March Journalception!

1. The funniest thing you heard today. 
A FML that came up on my newsfeed. 

2. If you could have a new talent what would you want? 
Singing or playing piano.

3. Who is your best friend but not your spouse? 
Christopher.

4. What do you wish you had left unsaid? 
I honestly can't think of anything at the moment, because I usually mean what I say.

5. What was the first thing you ate or drank today? 
Gatorade.

6. Are you saving or spending? 
Saving. Gotta get the Lebaron fixed!

7. On a scale of 1-10 how clean is your house? (10 being the cleanest) 
5

8. What is the last song you listened to? 
Something by Pitbull. -mumbles in Spanish, names some cities, yells Dale- They're all the same.

9. What relaxes you? 
Massages. Having my hair brushed and played with. 

10. What is the most valuable thing you own? 
My personality. Without it, I wouldn't be me. 

11. What did you find inspiring today? 
All the people who are rooting for me for my weight loss!

12. Are you happy? 
Working on it.

13. How much “me” time did you take today? 
Ehh, not really much so far, but I am now.

14. List three things you have faith in. 
Love. The power of thought. Fate.

15. Who is the last person you said “I love you” to? 
Uhh... Christopher or Heather. But likely one of the cats if you count them.

16. Did you seize any opportunities? 
Oooooh yes! Many of them! 

17. Where did you go today? 
Fairmont, to get a part for the car. 

18. What advice were you given? 
None today.

19. Today was ________________________. 
Really freaking long. I was up at 7 AM.

20. What are you glad you did today? 
Cleaned the house!

21. When was your last vacation? Where did you go? 
lol... what's a vacation? In all honesty, I think my last vacation was to Wyoming in 2012.

22. The greatest wisdom comes from _____________________. 
Experience.

23. Who is your hero? 
I am my own hero. I am capable of saving myself. 

24. Why? 
Because why the fuck not?

25. If you could have read one person’s mind today, who would you choose? 
Probably Christopher's? Maybe? Not really sure.

26. What was the easiest thing about today? 
Not having three shifts again!

27. Did you thank anyone today? 
I actually thanked a lot of people today. It's kind of my job too. "Thank you for your time and for calling Hallmark today!"

28. Did you work hard today? 
Worked hard relaxing!

29. What was in your post office box today? 
Did Harry Potter teach you nothing? Post doesn't come on Sundays. 

30. Today was a complete ______________________. 
Success. Had an appointment with Doctor Ruth, my fibro doctor, for a check up to see how I'm doing. 

31. What are you seeking? 
A companion to join in an adventure with me. And I think I've found him... ^_^

GoFundMe Fundraiser! Please donate anything you can!

http://www.gofundme.com/FixTheBeast

The Beast is my Dodge Durango. She is my pride and joy. This is the first car that I bought all on my own without the help of a parent, an inheritance check, or a significant other. I love my truck to pieces and I can hardly afford my bills, let alone to buy a new car. And since my credit is wrecked, I can't apply for a loan. 

The front axle on the Beast broke completely today. This is going to be a really big fix, in addition to all the other problems that I was planning on getting worked on. I only have a few hundred dollars in my savings, and that's not going to cover this. 

Anything that you can spare will help me. The more, the better, obviously, but anything will help. With my illness, having a vehicle is paramount for me to be able to get back and forth to my doctor's, to pick up prescriptions, and to run the errands that I need to that I can't do on foot. Plus, living in rural Minnesota doesn't give me the option of public transit.

February Journalception!

1. What is your favorite piece of art you own? 
The paintings of my character, Saidrym.

2. The most expensive bill I paid last month was ________. 
The power/water bill? Either that or the last of one of my loans. 

3. What’s the last thing you apologized for? 
Not wanting to pursue a relationship. 

4. My favorite color is ______________. 
Purple

5. On a scale of 1-10 how is your health? 
Well... besides my fibro, I'm a fairly healthy person. But that's kind of a factor, so probably a 4.

6. If you could do today over, would you change anything? 
Probably not.

7. Name a person you wish you didn’t have to deal with today. 
No one. I only had to deal with Chris, which was A-OK. 

8. What is the largest TV screen in your house? 
36 inch

9. What time did you go to bed last night? 
2 AM or so. 

10. What did you buy today? 
Medicine for my laryngitis. 

11. I wish I had ____________. 
My voice back!

12. How many photos did you take today? 
None.

13. What book are you reading right now? 
The 6th book in some series about polyamorous dragons that I found on Kindle Unlimited.

14. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 
I unno... I went to bed at 12.30 AM and I think I woke up around 9 or so. Didn't actually get out of bed until noon though. 

15. Last thing you wanted but didn’t get. 
The Razer Krakken headset that was on sale for 50% off. 

16. What mood were you in today? 
Meh. It's a Monday, and I was going back to work after having a week off, even though I wasn't ready, health wise. So very meh.

17. What was the last new thing you tried? 
Uhhh... Windows 8? And for the record, I hate it.

18. My biggest hope is _____________. 
To have a family - me, Chris, our girlfriend whoever she may be, and our child. 

19. What has challenged your morals? 
Finances. 

20. What kind of car are you driving? 
1998 Dodge Durango

21. List your pets. 
Viani, Anera, Misa, Snow, Winry

22. What are three things you need to buy? 
Gas for my truck, cold and flu medicine, food.

23. Today I felt really secure knowing __________________. 
Nothing, really. It wasn't really a great day and it made me question a lot of things, especially my security... =/

24. Whose life did you make a difference in today? 
No one's. I couldn't really do much of anything, what with the worst migraine I've literally ever had. 

25. What is your super power? 
Fighting fibromyalgia!

26. What is annoying you? 
Liars. I despise liars more than anything. Don't fucking preach to me about honesty and trust and communication and then turn around and lie to me. That is 150% not okay. And I'd love to call you on it, but now is just not the right time...

27. What would have made today perfect? 
I missed the train to Hogwarts and took a wrong turn and had second breakfast in the Shire. Got lost in Westeros and just barely made it to my spa day with Thranduil in Silvermoon City. Had afternoon tea with Princess Zelda and caught up with Enterprise and got a ride home in the TARDIS before stopping by Storybrook for dinner. It's been a long day! Let's not even talk about my plans for later in the week to meet my dragon in Alagaesia, battle with the Elite Four, travel the Bifrost with Loki, train with Xena, take my State Alchemist exam, and help Merlin save Camelot!

28. What stresses you? 
Overthinking. That's pretty much my #1 cause of stress.

January Journalception!

January

1. What is your number one goal this year?

To become a cookie. (See: I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done. - Buffy Summers, BTVS)
And, learning to love Christopher as my friend, rather than my lover.

2. What are you most grateful for?
My family for being here and putting up with me and supporting me.

3. Are you content?
I'm... getting there.

4. What is your best memory of last year?
Moving into our new house.

5. What was the last major accomplishment you had?
Dealing with the break up.

6. What possession could you not live without?

My Kindle.

7. Can people change?
Of course. We're always changing.

8. What is the last “good” thing you ate?
My dinner tonight. I made an awesome pot roast with carrots and baby potatoes, and buttermilk biscuits.

9. What is your current favorite snack?
FiberOne Lemon Bars

10. What made you smile today?
Not a whole lot. It was a pretty bad day today. =/

11. What’s your favorite accessory?
My long, beaded necklace from Germany. I can loop it two or three times, depending on how long I want it, and it goes with almost everything.

12. What is making you mad?
This break up. I am so phenomenally done with it.

13. What did you have for dinner today?
White chili and rice.

14. What did you get done?
Had a meeting at the coffee shop, ran errands, worked, picked up my car payment.

15. Who last called you on the phone?
Someone with a wrong number.

16. Who are you in love with?
Christopher.

17. What are you grateful for?
My family.

18. The best part of today was ______________ .
Sex toy bingo

19. My current favorite website is _________________.
Pinterest/Elliquiy

20. What was the hardest thing you’re dealing with?
The break up.

21. Today I wish I had more _________________.
Mana

22. Tomorrow will be better because ___________________.
IT'S FRIDAY!

23. What made today unusual?
Nothing, today was pretty normal.

24. What are you looking for from life?
Companionship. Motherhood.

25. What is your favorite thing to drink?
Lately, Sunny D. Gatorade is a favourite. Sweet tea.

26. Today the temperature was ___________________.
Actually kinda nice! 30's and 40's! I wore my flip flops out!

27. How much did you spend at the grocery store the last time you went?
~$70

28. Tomorrow I will _________________________.
go to work?

29. What was your last major purchase?
Christopher's Valentine's Day present?

30. My house is a home because _____________________
I've made it that way!

Here, There, and Everywhere

This piece is just kinda be a little bit of everything. I figured it was easier just mashing everything into one post rather than spamming you guys with several different posts about everything. So be prepared to be all over the place.

First, let's cover the five stages of grief. Now, normally these apply to someone that is dealing with death, but in recent times, they've also been applied to the end of relationships. The five stages are as follows: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. They can happen in any order, but most of the time it's in that order, or close to.

I feel like I actually started dealing with these before the breakup even happened. As I mentioned before, I somewhat knew it was coming. So I had already begun my denial and bargaining early; I told myself he wouldn't really leave me, that things weren't as bad as I thought they were. He wouldn't leave if I put out more or if I cleaned the house more frequently or if I stopped whining about my fibro. I had an extra week or so to process and go through those stages, so the first week of the breakup was still about those too, but I/we quickly transitioned to the next stage on the list – anger.

Anger is a funny thing. It affects everyone different and people express it in different ways. Some people, like Chris and I, are very quick to temper. However, he is also quick to cool while I, on the other hand, take a long time to cool off and let it go. This often led to fights after the initial fight because he wouldn't just leave me the fuck alone to stew and get over it in my own time. He has a very outward displaying anger while I sit in silence or make snarky/passive-aggressive remarks. Needless to say, this always made for a volatile combination.

This week has been one big piss off for both of us. He's pissed about work related things, about money, about me. I'm pissed off at him, at the breakup, work, and money. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. We have fought virtually all week when he's been home, and even some when he wasn't. One night it even came down to me refusing to go to bed upstairs because I couldn't stand to be near him; that only lasted about four hours when I woke up with my back aching and needing to pee. Let me just put that into perspective for you; in the entirety of our five-year relationship, we never slept apart because of anger. This is the heavy-duty, industrial grade shit we're dealing with here. The anger runs deep here with us, and I get the feel it will for a long time. I think him moving out will drastically help, but there will still be anger, even as I transition into the next stage – depression.

Depression. I've spoken several times about my old friend, depression. He really likes to visit this time of year anyways, so that plus my fibromyalgia plus the breakup... that equals a not good time. I know that when it hits, it's going to hit me hard and fast. I won't want to work, to eat, to write, to take my meds, to shower, to even be awake. During this time I'm going to want to just become one with my bed and forget the world until it passes. This picture captures this feeling perfectly. 

I mean, I'm on a daily anti-depressant for my fibro. You would think that that would take care of this whole thing and nip it in the bud. Not quite. I was on anti-depressants last time we broke up, and they didn't help. I'm sure that they help some but not entirely. Essentially what I'm saying here is that here soon, I'm going to hate the world and everything in it.

Right now, we're friends with benefits. Whether or not that's how it stands once he moves out in three weeks remains to be seen. I'm honestly not even sure if I want it to continue like that. I know that I'll be going over to his place once a week or so, since I'm working off the money he's putting towards one of my school loans so that they don't snatch my taxes again. It's nothing big, just cleaning his apartment and making dinner once a week. It'll give us time to spend together and both of us to get our shopping done and such. I really don't even know where each of us stands in the dating department. We both have profiles on OKCupid; I found out he had one by logging into mine and seeing that he was my top match, at a 95%. That was a brutal slap in the face to me. I plan on trying to make some friends in the local Fetlife community. But I really don't want to jump back into a relationship.

Launching into a new relationship means so much. So much that many people don't even think of. Not only does it mean getting to know someone new and letting them do the same to me, it means finding out how they deal with my illness, my limitations, my roller coaster libido, my family (and vise versa, because that means a lot to me), the fact that my best friend is my ex. It'll be real dating, like not living with each other and staying the night at each others houses. It's learning if I can let them see me naked yet. It's learning if it's OK to pee with the door open or not. It's learning what they like to eat, what they like to do, if they want the same things I want in life if we can laugh at the same things.

I want someone that will love me like I loved Chris.

I know that sounds just awful, but I firmly believe that in every relationship one always loves the other more. And in ours, I was that person. It was always clear that I loved him more than he loved me. I accepted it and it was fine. But now that I have to start back at square one, I want to find someone that will love me that much. I think that I deserve at least that, especially since I've dealt with so much shit that I don't deserve.

In light of the breakup, I've made some decisions about various things. I am going to repaint the trim in the living room. The entire room was a right whore to paint, so redoing ALL of it is just too much for me. So I'm going to change the blue trim to black because black goes with green and just about everything else. I am considering moving my bedroom around a little; since there are only two outlets, I only have so many ways I can move stuff, so it's gonna be a thought on the back burner for a few weeks. I'm also going to buy some white or purple Christmas lights and some black or purple sheer or gauzy fabric and make a twinkly fairy canopy thing. The bathroom and kitchen will stay the same schemes as before; I actually saw a great shower curtain and hooks at Walmart last night so when I get paid on Friday, I think I'm gonna pick them up. The sunroom, AKA Heather's room, is going to be my pirate getaway (after she moves away, of course). I've been fighting with myself about the back mudroom and what I should do with it. But I think I'll end up painting it a lavender and cream once I have everything else done. If I hadn't recently cut and dyed my hair, I'd do that as well, but it's perfect how it is. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when my roots grow out... Maybe just have mom box dye it and then save money to get my blonde highlights.

Speaking of blonde... When should I break down and admit that I have an obsession with men that have long, blonde hair? At first, I thought it was just a passive fancy. But I've quickly realized that it's a bit more than that. Here are a few pictures of my lovelies that I fancy so.

 Lor'themar Theron, Regent Lord of Silvermoon

 Thranduil, King of Elvenkind

 Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood

 Myrdias Xae'loth

 Sesshomaru

 Thor, son of Odin

 Thranduil, King of Elvenkind

 Yoko Kurama

 Zechs Marquise

See? I mean, it's not hard to understand my obsession now that you see the proof. I've never dated a man with long, blonde hair; it may or may not be a passive goal of mine for my next guy.

And now time for some picture spam, just because they're all relevant.  

 And it's such a hard struggle.

 I'm pretty sure I've perfected this,

 That and unfamiliarity and being out of a comfort zone.

 They say going through a breakup is the same as quitting a drug. The withdraws are the same.

 Perfect analogy of an apology.

 If we're keeping score, he's killed me four times.

 This is the saddest sentiment, and I never knew how painfully true it was.

 Those will probably be my final words to him before he leaves. He won't understand the reference or how important it is, but I will.