December Journalception!

1. Who is your best friend?
Christopher.

2. I really wish _________________.
that I could make my own schedule.

3. Who is the first person you saw today?
Chris, same as every day.

4. What memory do you want to keep from today?
There was nothing particularly memorable today.

5. How much money is in your wallet?
A handful of change. I spent all my cash this week.

6. What makes you sweat?
These days, everything.

7. What do you wish your job was?
Nothing! Nah, I like my job. I mean, it'd be nice to not have to work, but I like what I do.

8. What relationship did you nurture today?
None.

9. What are you passionate about?
Writing.

10. I realize tomorrow __________________.
is my first long shift since training.

11. Are you holding a grudge?
Slightly.

12. What was weird about your day?
Going to the salon...? It's not something I do often.

13. How much of your day did you spend completely alone?
Most of it, unless you count talking to customer on the phone at work.

14. How are you expanding your mind?
Reading.

15. What word are you using too much lately?
Fuck.

16. How was your day today?
Great, up until the end.

17. What was the first thing you saw when you woke up this morning?
A pillow.

18. What are three things you need to do tomorrow?
Return the packing envelopes for smaller ones. Go to the post office. Pay bills.

19. What is the last place you visited online?
Facebook.

20. Today I chose to ________________.
spend the day with mom.

21. Were you a positive or negative person today?
I try to be positive every day.

22. Who is the strongest person you know?
Mom or Christopher

23. Who do you wish had been a part of your day?
No one in particular.

24. What is one thing you were told today that you don’t want to forget?
The adult version of The Night Before Christmas and Polar Express that we all made up.

25. What was your weakness today?
Baklava!

26. The music genre I listen to the most is ________________.
Pop, unfortunately >.>

27. How much did you eat today?
A lot of junk food. But hey, isn't that what a break up is about? =/

28. What’s worth fighting for?
Love. Love is always worth fighting for. Love is the greatest reason to live, the greatest reason to fight, the best motivator, the best reason to keep going. Life without love... is nothing; it's darkness and empty, a shadow of what things could be.

29. Today I felt ___________________.
annoyed and depressed, but it got better as the day went on.

30. Did you smile or frown more today?
Smiled. It was my and Chris' first friend-date.

31. What improvements are you making?

Trying to get my fibromyalgia under control and more managable.

These are my confessions...

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. And I don't necessarily mean in the 'I need more sleep' sense, though that is part of it. 

I'm tired of hurting.
Tired of bad sleep.
Tired of random and constant pain.
Tired of not being able to do anything without fear of hurting.
Tired of having to rest after doing small things.
Tired of taking handfuls of pills twice a day.
Tired of asking for help.
Tired of not being able to do things on my own.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of arguments.
Tired of crying. 
Tired of feeling like a burden.
Tired of feeling like I've done something wrong.
Tired of feeling not good enough.
Tired of walking on eggshells. 
Tired of being scared.
Tired of keeping everything in. 
I'm just fucking tired of it all. 

I shouldn't feel like this. I'm so angry. I'm so upset. I feel hopeless some days, like I'm always going to be in the dark tunnel and that I'll never see the light at the end. I'm angry with myself, at myself. For things that are beyond my control. I'm fucking angry at my illness. I never fucking asked for this, and in my opinion, it's made me a worse person than I was. It has ripped from me too many things - my sleep, my movement, my mind, my well-being, my self-esteem, my sex drive, my normalcy, my dreams, my aspirations, my willpower, my motivation, my identity. 

I'm scared. I'm so terribly scared. I'm scared because I'm broken, broken beyond repair, and no one wants to be with someone who's broken. I'm terrified that one day it's just going to be too much for him, because he never signed up to take care of someone sick, and he's going to leave. He's going to get tired of me hurting, of my pain, of my fatigue, of my inability to perform basic tasks, of my need to constantly rest, and he's just going to leave me. That a younger, healthier, skinnier, prettier model is going to come along and he's going to upgrade and leave me alone, and broken. I'm terrified that the fact that our sex life is nonexistent is going to push him away. Again. It has got so bad that I have put heavy and serious thought into tossing my pain tolerance to the wayside and forcing myself to have sex every day, just so I can sate him. And then go and cry about the pain once I'm alone, behind locked doors where no one would see me. If I thought that would save my relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

No one wants to hear my complaints, my fears, my worries, my troubles. And I understand that. Everyone has their own complaints, fears, worries, and troubles to deal with.  Taking on someone else's isn't something that others want to do. So I sit here in relative silence, and try to make everything look pretty and normal on the outside. And on the inside... I feel like I'm dying. I have everything that I listed before piling up inside me, threatening to spill out for everyone to see and I'm trying so hard to keep everything tucked in, keep all the pieces picked up, keep up the face that always smiles and never cries. 

These are my confessions, and here is where they will stay.

November Journalception!

1. What decision are you glad you made?
Changing jobs.

2. Share some good advice.
Be the pebble, not the boulder.

3. What occupied your mind today?
Nothing in particular.

4. What was the best conversation you had today?
I didn't really have much conversation today. I spent the day drinking tea, sleeping, and watching TV, trying to shake this flu or something.

5. Do you love your job?

I do!

6. If you could get rid of one of your habits, what would it be?
Stress eating.

7. List 5 things you wish you had with you today.
I don't think I can list anything. I wasn't really wanting for anything. Except I guess antibiotics because of my sinus infection.

8. What are the achievements you are most proud of?
Becoming an independent woman, the woman I am today, because I fought to become her.

9. What gadgets did you use today?
All of them! Work computer, personal desktop and laptop, Kindle.

10. What shocked you?
When I got a call from a customer today and found that she was marked as deceased in our system when clearly, she wasn't.

11. What was the last lie you told?
Probably “I'm fine.”

12. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian.

13. What do you have too much of?
Pain

14. What do you want to tell yourself in one year?
Look at how far you've come.

15. What is your greatest strength?
My loyalty

16. Other than your clothes, what was with you the majority of the day?
My blanket?

17. What’s your guilty pleasure?
Desperate Housewives

18. What is bothering you?
Too many things to list. >_<

19. What inspires you?
Other people with illnesses like mine that keep on trucking.

20. What impression did you make on others today?
A sad one.

21. What did you give up on today?
Housework. It'll always be there tomorrow.

22. How did you play today?
I didn't?

23. How do you know?
Because I'm cool like that.

24. Name the last three things you used today.
Water bottle, pill organizer, Kindle.

25. What sound do you hate hearing?
Beeping. Beeping of any sort drives me crazy.

26. Do you feel appreciated?
Sometimes.

27. My body is ______________________.
Constantly hating me.

28. Today I had too much ________________.
Food! But it was Thanksgiving, so it was OK.

29. What worries you?
My relationship.

30. What did you get to do today?
Relax!

October Journalception!

1. Who is the last person you spent quality time with?
Chris, maybe? I think? I dunno.

2. Who did you hug today?
Chris.

3. Describe your day in one word.
Cold.

4. How are you?
Today? Particularly miserable. It's getting cold so my fibro is acting out. Our heat doesn't work. I'm exhausted from crappy sleep and working; by the end of this week, it will have been seven days on, one off (that I used to run errands and go to doctors), four on. And I'm bored and jealous and feeling a little lonely.

5. Did you do more talking or listening today?
Listening. But that's most days.

6. How much is a gallon of gas?
3.16

7. What was the last stupid thing you did?
Apparently be the source of drama.

8. What’s the next book you are going to read?
Some Scottish romance novel I got on Kindle Unlimited.

9. What was the mistake?
Choosing the cheap, fast mechanic over the quick, expensive one.

10. What was the last gift you gave?
Journals to Heather.

11. What is your mission?
To be freaking awesome.

12. If others described how you acted today in one word, it would be _________.
Calm.

13. What is your current bank balance?
$65ish dollars

14. Describe the last piece of furniture you purchased.
An office chair.

15. What time did you wake up this morning?
The first time, when Chris' alarm went off at 6 AM. Then again around 9:30.

16. Describe the last time you were embarrassed.
I honestly have no idea.

17. How did you improve yourself today?
I did my physical therapy.

18. How much time did you spend outside today?
Almost none.

19. In one year from today, what word do you hope best describes your life.
Married.

20. Who in your life is crazy talented? What is their talent?
Chris- writing. Morgan – drawing. Mom – advice giving.

21. What do you wish there was more of in the world?
Cheesecake. Everyone would be happy with cheesecake.

22. My favorite sound is _________________ .
Silence.

23. What impact do you hope to have on the world?
I hope that I am remembered as a kind, compassionate, funny, and loyal friend.

24. If you made laws, what one would you make today?
I would make it so it wasn't so hard for fibromyalgia patients to get disability.

25. Describe your last life-changing moment.
Being diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

26. What opportunity are you waiting for?
To... get my hair done?

27. How many emails did you have today?
Maybe a dozen? Mostly junk.

28. What is the last movie you saw?
I honestly have no idea. I haven't done a lot of TV watching recently.

29. Are you settling for something?
Kinda... =/

30. What is standing in your way?
A lot of things.

31. What was the happiest headline in the news today?
A woman awoke from a coma and gave birth.

Living With Fibromyalgia, an Autoimmune Disease

So, for those of you that don't know, I finally got  my fibromyalgia diagnosis in September from the pain management doctor I went to see. It was a bitter sweet victory; I was finally able to get the treatment that I need. But the diagnosis meant it was real, and that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life. The doctors there have been incredibly accommodating with me. They started me on Cymbalta, which has helped. They've also given me strong muscle relaxants to help me sleep, and pain killers for bad days. 

They also prescribed me exercise (walking and swimming, if I can) and physical therapy. Now, I wasn't thrilled about the PT, but since everyone says it's going to help me, I went along with it. My first session was last week and they gave me six simple stretches to do. Even that made me sore and especially since it's getting cold, I'm having more and more bad days. So I'm just doing what I can. Yesterday, I went in to physical therapy and my therapist added five new exercises to my regimen. And while I was there, she pushed me -really- hard. The sore didn't start to creep in until late last night but when I woke up this morning, I hurt everywhere, worse than my normal fibro hurt everywhere. Which makes me not want to go on my walk. Or do my PT for the day. 

It's so fucking hard, dealing with this stupid illness that I never asked for. They say that movement will help me feel better, but how am I supposed to be motivated to get up and move when I feel like I was hit by a semi-truck in my sleep? And the fatigue doesn't help either because I just wanna sleep all the time. 

I'm so angry with myself over this. My fibro doctor has been fantastic with me and has prescribed me the Cymbalta, which is helped take my pain down a notch or two and given me more energy. But my scumbag brain converts this into, "Hey! You're feeling better! Let's go do all the things you can't normally do!" And then I feel awful and suffer for days because I pushed myself too hard. This has happened several times, and Chris keeps telling me that I need to slow the fuck down and stop overdoing it because I'm not helping anyone when I do too much and put myself out of commission.

I used to have this dream, as a child and a teenager even, that I was going to be the perfect housewife. I would be a Stepford Wife (or for those of you that share my guilty pleasure of Desperate Housewives, a Bree Vandekamp). The house would always be clean, we'd always have a home-cooked meal, everything would be perfect. And then I was struck with fibromyalgia and my dreams of that flew right out the window. 
And for the most part, I've accepted that things will never be the way they once were. But last week, I had a -really- good day. So I went on a cleaning spree and cleaned the entire downstairs of my house. And I felt AMAZING, because I could look around and see an empty sink, mopped floors, throw pillows and blankets where they should be, clothes in the hamper not the floor. And I was so sad... because I knew that this was never something I'd be able to keep up. That I will always have dirty dishes in the sink, clothes and blankets everywhere, dust bunnies and cat food on the floors. I felt absolutely dreadful the day after this, because there were several times where I told myself to stop, but that little nagging voice kept saying, "Just a little more!" So I kept doing just a little more, until I finished.

I know that it's irrational to be angry with myself over my illness. There is no one to be angry with over this. But that doesn't mean that I don't get angry with this, with dealing with this disease and everything that goes along with it. A friend of mine finally got to see two of his favourite bands and told me if they ever toured near me, I should take the chance to go. I told him that because of my illness, I wouldn't be able to go. My concert-going days were over because the crowds make my anxiety sky-rocket, the standing/sitting in the stadium hurts me, and the noise is just too much. I've come to accept most of these things; a common coping method for this is to just tell yourself that it would be just as fun as it once was, and to capture the memory of doing it when you were well enough to. 

For the most part, I do that. I fondly remember going to theme parks and wandering around all day long without any pain. Attending concerts and jumping and screaming for hours on end. Girl's night out at the Castle, dancing in tight dresses and boots until 2 AM. 

Now days, instead of heels, I get excited over slippers and house shoes. Instead of new jeans, I frequently buy sweat pants and pajamas. I've come to accept that I need to get around to buying an "old lady" bra to help with my posture. I have a box filled with pill bottles next to my bed, and a pill taking regimen every day, including an alarm to remind me in the afternoons. My friends and family know that they can't push me too hard and that they need to give me time to rest after activities of any sort rather than jumping from one thing to the other. Naps are a common occurrence around these parts and my housemates know that my chores will be completed when I have the energy to do so.

I have had to make huge life changes because of this disease. Chris and the rest of my family have had to make adjustments for me. Chris especially has had to do this; I know from watching my parents that dealing with a chronically ill spouse is no easy feat. It's trying on your nerves, on your energy, on your sex drive, on scheduling. There are a lot of things he's had to change, including his expectations of me and what I can and can't do. I can fault him for a lot of things and a lot of the time, he's a douchebag. But he's a saint for sticking with me and being there for me through my illness, even knowing that it'll never get better, only worse. 

Fibromyalgia has done a lot of things to me. It's changed me, it's made me have to adapt to a different lifestyle. But it won't take away who I am. If anything, I'm a stronger person because of it. 

I am a fibromyalgia warrior and I refuse to succumb to this war on my body.